MODERATOR: Welcome to the debate! It’s great to see so many of you show up, especially on a Saturday. I’m going to get started right away because the management has a meeting of the East Tennessee Libertarian party scheduled in two hours and they need this room. First, some ground rules. The East Tennessee Rationalist’s Support & Therapy Club recognizes the male honorifics “Mister”, “Doctor,” and “Professor,” Since Dr. Hitchens has a PhD, he will be referred to as Dr. Hitchens. However, the Catholic Priest Timothy Plarvik does not have a doctorate and is not a professor, so he will be referred to as “Mr. Plarvik.” Secondly, there will be no interruptions. I say this particularly with regard to the beret-wearing gentlemen and his obese friend, who had been chanting “Fr. Tim! Fr. Tim!” a few minutes ago. Finally, the debate will be in the form of a series of questions posed by me, the moderator. If I choose, I will ask clarifying questions. But the point of this debate is to allow the debaters to freely explore rational differences in their viewpoints. So, without further ado, I will pose the first question, beginning with you, Mr. Plarvik… Does God exist?
PLARVIK: If by “God” you mean “the Life Spirit,” then, yes, it is easy to show that…
HITCHENS: Oh, shut the hell up, you addled hippy!
PLARVIK: I beg your pardon?
HITCHENS: You lovey-dovey christians with your hand-holding and prayers! You make me sick. You really believe that some white-robed old deity is going to rain fire and brimstone on you if you don’t do what he says?
PLARVIK: Of course not! I don’t believe anything like that at all. You seem to have me mistaken for…
[CHANTING FROM THE AUDIENCE: FR TIM! FR TIM! FR TIM!]
MODERATOR: This is the first warning to the audience to settle down and respect the rational debate that is occurring. Mr. Plarvik, please continue.
PLARVIK: Hey! I’m cool. Ché & Keith – settle down now. As I was saying, that old notion of a white…
HITCHENS: You see how this “loving” priest silences his own flock?
PLARVIK: Excuse me?
HITCHENS: Just now. You told your own supporters to be quiet and hold their tongues. That’s what you priests are all about. All you can do is stifle free speech and respectful dissent. Because any ideas… any science threatens to upset your fantasy world. You – you’re a little Torquemada, aren’t you? You’re a little Inquisitor – you can’t wait for the first chance you get to start putting people in their places. I bet you’re going to take your friends back to your Church and put them on a rack.
PLARVIK: Actually, I was just trying to get them to stop interrupting. The moderator said…
[CHANTING FROM THE AUDIENCE: FR TIM! FR TIM!]
MODERATOR: OK – that’s the second warning. I believe you still have the question, Mr. Plarvik, and do try to hurry along.
PLARVIK: OK, OK, Anyway, I agree with you completely that the old traditional picture of a personal god who gets upset when people make valid life-choices is a bunch of hooey, but that doesn’t mean that there isn’t an overall LifeSpirit who fills us with love much as empty cups are filled with…
HITCHENS: Shut up! Shut up! I can’t stand it! You rotten bastards with your [expletive deleted] and your [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted] sacred cows! If there were a hell, you’d be in it you [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted]. Look what you did to Darwin! Look what you did to Galileo and Copernicus and Tycho Brahe! Where’s your LifeSpirit then? Huh? You think you can just pass off your two thousand years of oppression by making some felt banners and distributing copies of I’m OK, You’re OK to your parishes? Look what you did to the freethinkers! Your whole Church is a charade perpetuated upon a simple population that you kept simple. What… what are you doing… sit down young lady…
MODERATOR: Please return to your seat.
PLARVIK: Ché – can you please keep Taheetee under control? Keith – sit down!
MODERATOR: OK – who threw that?
HITCHENS: I will not be intimidated!
MODERATOR: Stop it! Now! Hey! Let go!
HITCHENS: Owww! Owww! Oh God! Help!
PLARVIK: Hey everybody, settle down now…
HITCHENS: [unintelligible sounds]
9 comments:
Fr. Tim,
If it makes you feel any better, we have somebody tailing Mr. Hitchens too.
Best Regards,
Agent Smith,
Department of Homeland Security
I'm sorry, Fr. Tim, but I just couldn't help myself.
What a waste of good beer, to throw it on that jerk, but he wouldn't even let you speak, and you had the floor.
Don't worry...someone will bail me out and I'll respond to the assault charges. My defense attorney is going to show that Mr. Hitchens deserved to drown in my beer.
Besides, I went out with him last week and he attacked me and so my Domestic Abuse advocate will be appearing with us in court.
Anyway, that defense worked in "A Time to Kill", so it should work for me, too.
Father Tim, THAT WAS AWESOME! You put that Hitchens fella in his place. After Maryann had him, Keith and I tied him up, we strapped him to a chair and propped his eyes opens with toothpicks. We've had him watching Pretty Woman continuously ever since.
Che'
Mr. Lovell,
While I do admire torture... er... um, I forgot--We're not allowed to say that word anymore. I think that you may have to release him at some point. My superiors are upset that Agent Brown, who was following Mr. Hitchens has not been able to turn up any information as to his whereabouts. I can probably stall Agent Brown for a few days, but then he may request backup and try to conduct a full investigation.
Agent Smith,
Department of Homeland Security
Hey Agent Smith,
OOOPS! I went out to get one of those Vegan pizzas and while I was out apparently Keith exchanged Hicthens to one of his Crossville friends for a six pack of Miller Light and a box of generic aspirins or something. Anyway if you hurry you can probably catch up with them. They are going west on I-40 in a 1978 Ford Pickup truck. It was blue but I think its kind of gray where its not rust colored.
Oh Yah! How's your softball team doing? Did you guys beat the Brushy Mountain Penal Coed Squad?
Che'
Our team lost--how embarassing... You would think that our training would enable us to beat those jerks, but they are very good at softball. Personally, I think it's Agent Black's fault--he transfered our best player, Agent Richards, to the Department's Western Branch, and all we got in return was a rookie barely out of basic training.
I will put out a bulletin to all agents in Roane County and Crossville--hopefully we can catch that truck before they get too far.
Agent Smith
Fr. Tim,
I am doing a poll on excommunication and its reversal. If I were to be excommunicated from your Church (at the present time I have only been 'banned', as far as I know), what would I have to do to be readmitted?
For instance, Holy Roman Emperor Henry IV knelt in the snow outside the residence of Pope Gregory VII for two days. What would I, or any other layman, have to do to be readmitted to your church?
P.S. - By the way, I liked it when you told Keith and Che to shut up!
Hey Rob! Thanks for 'blogging... You know, we're not real cool with excommunication. That's a really "vertical" thing that went out with V2. We don't excommunicate people. Instead, we keep Open Minds, Open Hearts, and Open Doors. That's why, instead of excommunicating people, we are sometimes forced to ban people. That's not so much that they're "banned" persay, but that because of their opinions or actions, they can't really be church with us. It's really just a formal way of saying "I'm OK, but you're not OK". Got it? Anyway, once someone has banned themselves by not being church, it's really really hard to get to be church again. You have to show that you really really want to be church, and there's only a few ways of doing that. One way would be to throw red paint on Dick Cheney to symbolize the blood of the oppressed peoples. Another way would be to get a sex change operation to show solidarity with the transgendered. Or you could get a personal statement of endorsement from Jane Fonda. Anyway, thanks for asking!
PS: I didn't really tell Keith & Ché to shut up - I really just pointed out to them that they had already shut themselves up by their actions.
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