EMERGENCY MANDATE #57

Parishioners of SOV2 CFC:

It has come to my attention that some of you recited the Dorothean Creed with less enthusiasm than was required, and have obtained your ID papers and grounds passes with false or improper attention. In response, I am issuing this emergency mandate:

ALL PARISHIONERS OF SOV2CFC ARE TO BE THINKING CATHOLICS.

The mark of a Thinking Catholic is rigid and absolute conformance to the fundamental principles of the Spirit of Vatican II. YOU ARE NOT A THINKING CATHOLIC UNLESS YOU THINK EXACTLY LIKE OTHER THINKING CATHOLICS!

In order that you may locate the non-Thinking Catholics among you, and report them to the Brothers of Love for re-education, following is a list of the signs of a Thinking Catholic:

1. Love of the Environment
2. Opposition to the Death Penalty
3. Opposition to Capital Punishment
4. Opposition to Execution
5. Opposition to Nuclear War
6. Promotion of Contraception
7. Opposition to Natural Family Planning
8. Frequence use of "Rhythm Method" as a derogatory term
9. Opposition to Global Warming
10. A Liberal Democrat Voting Record
11. Membership in Call to Action, Voice of the Faithful, or an equivilent progressive catholic organization
12. Subscription to American, Commonweal, or an equivilent publication
13. Promotion of women priests
14. Promotion of gay priests
15. Promotion of gay women priests
16. Promotion of married priests
17. Promotion of gay women married priests
18. Support of Planned Parenthood
19. Opposition to the speaking or reading of Latin
20. Complete obedience to Fr. Richard McBrien, Charles Curran, and Hans Kung
21. Possession of a Liberated Name such as Keen, Curt, Rhodan, Avril, or Frosty
22. Opposition to wars against non-Catholics
23. A library that includes Earth in the Balance, the Assault on Reason, or any other Al Gore book

Any parishioner who does not meet every one of the above criteria is NOT A THINKING CATHOLIC. They are a NONTHINKING CATHOLIC. However, there are worse things than Non-Thinking Catholics; there are ANTI-THINKING CATHOLICS: Anti-Thinking Catholics can be identified by the following criteria:

1. Excessive devotion to the Pope
2. Excessive devotion to the Rosary
3. Excessive devotion to prayer
4. Participation in Eucharistic Adoration, Liturgy of the Hours, or Benediction
5. Polite and civil dress
6. Regular charitable giving
7. Regular attendence at "mass"
8. Subscription to First Things, Our Sunday Visitor, Magnificat, National Catholic Register or the equivilent
9. Possession of a "Christian Name" such as Thomas, Catherine, Theresa, or Peter
10. Reluctance to hold hands during the Our Father
11. Failure to kiss during the Exchange of Peace
12. Global Warming Agnosticism

Any one of the above is a mark of an Anti-Thinking Catholic.

Please report any Anti-Thinking Catholics immediately by contacting the Contemplation Temple.