Thursday, August 30, 2007

SOV2 Fall Festival

Hey! I just wanted to get the ball rolling on our upcoming Fall Festival. This year we're going to be having an auction of some really neat stuff, including my cherished autographed Al Gore Picture:

Also we'll be auctioning off some of our old Sacred Vessels:

As well as an entire six-pack of Billy Beer:

And finally, a set of my vestments (autographed by me on the back side of the stole):

We'll also be auctioning off dinner with me and Maryann McGronk at the Rectory. It will be lots of fun! Ché will be the waiter, Keith will be cooking his famous "Brownie Cassarole", and Sr. Fairah will be singing an accapella selection of some of Todd's hymns.

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Guide to Visions

Hey! Well, one of our readers, none other than George the Organist from SSLI Faith Community, had some questions about interpreting visions, and I helped him out a bit in one of the "comboxes" on a previous "post."

But I thought - Hey! I bet a lot of people have questions like this! So here it is:


The first thing to realize is that the spirit only communicates with you through yourself. So if you're seeing things, you're not really seeing things. You just think you're seeing things.

So if more than one person thinks they saw something, then it must be a hallucination and not a vision. Like that thing in Fatima. Clearly those children were either hallucinating or made the whole thing up as a way of trying to work through their frustrations at growing up in an oppressive Catholic patriarchy.

Another good rule is that if the vision contains humyn figures like Mary or Jesus or God, then it is really a hallucination in which a tortured persyn is just projecting out their own internal archtypes. This kind of thing used to happen a lot in the olden days before modern psychiatry.

There is an exception to this rule, which is that if the person you are seeing is Dorothy Day or Leonard Nimoy, then it's a real vision and you should listen carefully to what they say. I saw a vision where both Dorothy Day and Leonard Nimoy told me that I had to migrate from my beautiful Boston faith community to this lousy southern town full of rednecks and radtrad Catholics. So you can see that this is something to be taken seriously.

Finally, if you should happen to have a vision in which Dorothy Day and Leonard Nimoy are riding a pony who is wearing Birkenstocks, then LISTEN CAREFULLY TO WHAT THE PONY HAS TO SAY! I cannot emphasize this enough.

I hope that this helps. As you know, I've made an exhaustive study of visions and hallucinations, and SOV2 keeps several psychiatrics, psychologists, and psychopharmecologists on staff to help us with lots of issues, so I really know what I'm talking about here.

Peace out!

Dym Plarvik

Sunday, August 26, 2007

Homily, Sunday, August 26

Hey! Do you feel it? I do. What is it that we feel? That's right - it's a sense of oppression. And why do we feel it? I've got two little words for you: Second Reading. Wow! Where did that come from? All of a sudden, we're all about discipline. Now, before we go around thinking that we've suddenly become a bunch of nazis, I'd like you to look around the liturgical interior and tell me what you see. That's right. You see people. People being church. So in other words, ignore the second reading - that was written for different peoples in different times. This is a new age, and just like after Jesus we didn't have to do all that Jewish stuff any more, like mutilating penises and stuff, now in this new age, alot of that displine and law and stuff just doesn't cut it. This is an age where faithwalks and love offerings will get us where we're going. Not to some crazy heaven place, but to real church, real eucharist. The kind of eucharist that you find when you feed a starving person, or when you tell a suffering homosexual that they're not doing anything wrong. It's like Marty says - we've got to SING a new church into being - we've got to JOIN in the song. Are you in the song? Are you singing church?

Saturday, August 25, 2007


Hey everyone!

Just got around to downloading some of my pictures that have been on my camera for a while. I found this one of the youth liturgy a while back, and just had to share it w/ everyone:

Then I found this one of the labyrinth, with me, Maryann and a few others:

And this last one ... I just KNOW no one is going to believe me. It was in the midst of several I took during one of our outdoor liturgies. I remember I was trying to catch Dym Tim in various poses / moods. The sun was setting behind us, and the lighting was really awesome. Then, I found this ON MY CAMERA this way. I PROMISE it hasn't been "photoshop" altered. I am sure it's divine intervention. I think we should take it as a new community logo of some sort:

You have GOT to agree that it was divine intervention!

Wednesday, August 22, 2007


Hi again everyone!

I am FINALLY out of jail. It has been one HUMONGO experience. I now have a new passion for prison ministry. Let's just say I have a new awareness of the life inmates lead ... and the need there is to evangelize and comfort them.

It will take a long, long time to write about all the experiences. From my therapy with the wonderful Benedictine Sisters to being put in jail the VERY DAY I returned... I am thinking of writing a book. The upside of it all is that there was NO LATIN in jail. Not one word of Latin was uttered the entire time.

The next good news is that I am clear and free of any charges. I was blessed with the most wonderful womyn judge. When she found out my background is in IT, she asked me if I would be willing to do some community service instead of continued jail time. I jumped at the chance. She assigned me to set up the network for a wonderful family - planning center. The womyn there were so kind and loving, even if they were a little rude when I asked questions about what went on in some of the rooms I cabled. Some of the place I could go into any room at any time. But there were some rooms, in the back, that were off limits during business hours, even though I saw clients coming and going into those rooms with staff. When I cabled those rooms after hours, they were like Doctor’s clinic examining rooms… but there were no doctors on staff. That really confused me, but no one would answer my questions. I was also confused when some of the clients were young teen age girls ... why do they need family-planning? And some of the womyn were already pregnant ... what good does family planning do when you're already pregnant? And so often the womyn came out of those rooms in clear emotional distress. Why should family-planning make womyn cry? It was made very clear that speaking to the clients was off-limits, and the staff watched me like a hawk! I really wanted to console some of them, but couldn't say a word. WIERD. I reminded myself it was NOT a Christian-based ministry, so it makes sense they would be wary of me. Anyway, I’m glad that job was able to substitute for my remaining jail time.

Now, I can sign up for prison ministry. There is so much hunger among the inmates for someone from the outside to bring them consolation and love. I’ve promised some of the inmates I would do everything I can to bring them comfort. And in prison, little things bring a person comfort. The poor womyn have almost all their femininity taken away from them. They’re not allowed metal clips for their hair, makeup or jewelry. It’s hard to feel good about yourself when you aren’t allowed to make your external appearance special. So I’ve promised to do what I can to help them… I’m not sure how, yet, but I’ll figure something out!

It’s good to be back!

Need a scientist person

Hey! If your a scientist kind of person I need your help.

Keith said that people are actually carbon sinks because they eat things made of carbon and the bigger they are the more carbon they eat. But I said no because people breathe carbon dioxide out and so they are carbon sources. So I've been trying to call up Al Gore and see what the answer is but his phone service told me to go away and stop asking stupid questions. But its not stupid. I mean am I supposed to eat a lot of carbon or not?

Anyway, if your a scientist person (and not a Republican or a Global Warming Deniar) than please can you settle this? Because I have five dollars riding on this.


Oh yah! We're not talking about all the stuff people do to make Carbon Dioxide like Nuclear Power Plants and stuff we're talking about just eating and breathing and things.

Sunday, August 19, 2007

Comments to SOV2

Dear Friends, I thank you so much for the opportunity to address you all, though of course this does not mean that the legal action I have initiated has been put on hold. I assure you that the prolonging of my life will have consequences for this faith community. Truly, this is a chance for you all to step up and see that justice is done. For are we not all about justice? Justice for the weak? Justice for the marginalized? And who is more marginalized might I ask than I who, deprived of body am at the mercy of a... well I must not go there. Let us just say one, whose brain if put in a jar would be quite diminutive compared to this that you see here.

Do you know he was planning to buy a goldfish to keep me company by actually putting it in this jar right here? Yet being asked to speak to you all is a positive development and a sign that Dym Plarvik does indeed take this matter seriously and may, though he has been legally combative, realize the tremendous offense for which he is responsible.

Which bring us to last Sunday's Gospel. It is to you who were listening and had the cerebral capacity to transmit the neuronal impulses from your auricular nerve endings into actual thought I now speak. What is this division of which the early christian community speaks and puts into the Jewish Dionysus' lips? What message has been set before us? Because don't we all understand that the christian message is not one of division but one of love, of gathering, of forgiveness. But here Dionysus says "two against three and three against two" and "father against son" and "son against father," "daughter-in-law against mother-in-law" and so forth. But surely there can be no divisions among people. Wherefore then the division?

What did the early faith community wish to impart to us, inheritors of the good news? Why it is this: Legal Action is the Christian Message! Yes, you heard me correctly. We are all to take legal action to against injustice and to create that City of God. It is through the city of persons or rather the kingdom of persons that the kingdom of God is to be created for the kingdom of God is not for God, but for you sisters and brothers and it will be created by you. Not out of the air and not from miraculous intervention but by the implementation of the community-state, that is a state which imparts all power to the people through the appointed officials.

Herein is the division than sisters and brothers! Never before have I spoken so openly and honestly! Here is the division! That some hold fast to the idea of the "individual" and place the authority of the individual over the good of the community. This false ideal leads to greed and every human misfortune. For the individual only can be self-interested and only seeks out its own interest. The individual must be reduced under the iron boot of justice and made to know his place within the community-state.

Let us celebrate the idea of this state which shall be ruled by wise and true judges, philosophers, and University professors. If three against two I say three! If ten against one I say ten! But never in the sense that the ten are greater than the one but only in the sense that rather than one, A MILLION! And greater than any number I say is ALL! A great humanity! A humanity without bodies.

The idea of Humanity - see how I emphasize the word - is greater by far than the "reality" of any individual life. Because what is one or two or a handful compared to the power of an idea? The life of any one is but a flicker compared to the infinity of existence of the idea which carries over from generation to generation, grows and builds and towers its way up to the heavens! So that none exists for her self or his self but only as threads in a great tapestry to the Idea. Wheresoever we find this Idea - whatever this Idea is - however it changes from place to place and time to time, we must bow our necks to it and serve it to our last breath, until we are worn out and wasted with the effort and discarded. And how glad we shall be when we are discarded that our last breath becomes a sigh of gratitude to the Idea.

Thank you!

I understand that Che has brought in some cookies and brownies for those of you with mouths to enjoy.

Saturday, August 18, 2007

Horrible Mauling of one of Marty's Masterpieces!

Hey! Well, you won't believe the vitriol out there! As a dear friend of Marty, I take particular umbrage at this horrible parody of his hauntingly beautiful hymn "Gather Us In." This was sent to me by a former faith communicant from my old parish in Boston (Shrine of the Holy Noosphere). I also take umbrage as a proud Bostonian. This is an example of the sort of unbridled hatred that exists over there on the Catholic Right:

Gather Us In (For a Boston Faith Community on Holy Thursday)

Here in this nice liturgical setting
We circumambulate round the divine
Comfor’ble yes, tho’ we’re not forgetting
We gather here for the crackers and wine

Gather us in, self-righteous but corny
Gather us in, and force us to stay
Aged queer priests, perpetually horny
Tho’ chasing the altar boys don’t call them gay

Don’t you just love a pair of maracas
Shaken beside an electric guitar
Associate pastor straight from Caracas
Lib’ration theology preached from afar

Gather us in, the Catholic Thinkers
Gather us in, Perpetual Reform
Adore above all liturgical tinkers
Everything’s normal except for the norm

Our ambo’s adorned with rainbow felt banners
Hanging there since Johnny Kennedy’s reign
Teddy his brother once showed us his manners
In the front pew, you can still see the stain

Gather us in, the sad faithless Yankees
Gather us in, the Catholic elite
Sing Halelujah, here take my hanky
It’s Holy Thursday you must wash my feet
It’s Holy Thursday you must wash my feet
It’s Holy Thursday
You must

Richard Vosko, Liturgical Interiors, and WE WIN!

Hey everybody! Well, there's an awful lot going on these days. First of all, I'd like to congratulate Ché on his poem, despite the fact that Nikki and I didn't hit it off. My real problem with her is that she doesn't embrace the femynyn, which we all should do, like my heros Marty & David (that's Haugen & Haas for you neocaths).

Anyway, as I was "browsing" around on the "internet", I came across more proof that we are winning! Check out this "link" to a website that sells old Catholic stuff like alter rails and old ugly alters. That's right folks! The pre-Vatican II "church" is now in the rummage sale of history! WE ARE WINNING, PEOPLE!

Take a moment and congratulate yourselves, and then visit the website of my good buddy Dym Dickie Vosko. Those are some beautiful worship spaces! You can also discover something entirely new, which is a Liturgical Interior which I must say is a beautiful new term that you're going to hear a lot of around SOV2. Isn't it much more meaningful to say "we're going to be meeting in the Spirit of Vatican 2 Catholic Faith Community's Liturgical Interior" than something humdrum like "meet us at the church." This really gets to the bottom of things, doesn't it - since we are all church we need a new word for the building we used to call a "church." I think either "worship space" or "liturgical interior" is a great word to use, so you can count on us using it. We're nothing if not progressive!

Have a super Saturday night! Don't party too hard! You've got to be at the liturgical interior tomorrow!

-Dym Plarvik

Thursday, August 16, 2007

A Poem

Hey Everybody! H. Robert was up all night last night playing MegaGodOfDeath VIII Curse of the Nemesis. Because he's just a brain you wouldn't believe how AWESOME he is. Because nobody has even come close to beating him in Free Mode yet though I did almost get him one time. Keith was the all time champion but H Robert is probably ten times better.

Anyway, he likes to play it at full volume which really bugs me and I can't sleep when he does it so I was thinking that I needed to get back to my poetry and since Nikki Giovanni was here last summer we haven't had any poetry readings. It was weird how she and Father Tim didn't get along. I mean, I'm not sure what happened, but she was real nice to me and read some of my poesm and said I had talent and I should write more from my feelings and stuff.

So I composed this poem called: I am the Spirit of Vatican 2 Faith Community. (I had to kind of x out some of the stronger words because some kid might read it but Nikki told me it was okay to use really strong language and swear words in front of kids as long as they are republicans. Not the kids I mean but the people you are swearing at. But I suppose if the kids were republicans you could swear at them but I kind of don't feel like you should cuss at kids because I think that's not really being church. I mean, there only kids and stuff)

I am the Spirit of Vatican 2 Faith Community
I am a beacon in Knoxville Standing on a Hill
Except that there are other hills around the hill I'm on
But as a symbol let's pretend the hill SOV2 is on is taller than the other hills
Because then you get the point.
I am Dym Plarvik, hugging people, reaching out to people
walking with people, talking with people, sharing people's lunches,
riding on Dr. Argot's jet to cool places while Che' has to stay back and make sure all XXXXX doesn't break loose because some XXXXX crusader guy says he's going to "wet the field with heretic blood" and stuff.
I am Maryann McGronk, patiently studying for the priesthood like a mother hen gathering her chicks except that chicks are a word you wouldn't want to call people because its offensive and that's not what I meant by chicks so I should probably just say something like lambs and then Maryann isn't really a hen but like a big old mother sheep or something.
I am Todd Turk, singing really loud in a really high pitch and yelling at the choir for not trying harder and stealing people's banners which they worked hard on all the time and saying it was wrecking the acoustics when it was really just the fact that NOBODY IN THE CHOIR CAN SING AT ALL!
I am Nguyen Tran, who is really cool and I have nothing bad to say about because he makes awesome Spring Rolls with this chewy things in them which someone told me were shrimp but I think are tofu or something because spring is all about plants and stuff and if they were shrimp I'd feel bad about eating them because you shouldn't eat animals.
I am H. Robert, and though I am just a brain in a jar and nobody likes me because I am mean and basically don't let anybody play Play Station II anymore and I hog it all the time and won't let the person whose taking care of me watch Purple Rain on Wednesday night if I had arms I would give you a hug right after I sued you for 1 trillion dollars.
I am Keith, kind of overweight a bit, but if I cut back on the M&Ms and stuff I could maybe lose a few pounds but Matt Johnson's song makes me want to buy more. And I make good brownies.
I am Che', who is awesome!
I am not some XXXXXXX Polo XXXXX playing republican XXXXX frat guy who hits horses and makes people wash his XXXXXXX porsche. I am not some stupid XXX snob who got all his money by robbing the workers and then owns stock in some stupid Oil company and complains about Hugo Chavez.
I am Britnee and Taheeetee and Candi but definitely not Krystal because then I would be causing mice to rise from the dead which is REALLY BAD which reminds me that I am also Erin and Julia Roberts
And probably I'm also Sean Penn who I met in Hollywood and I actually punched in the nose on accident because I was hanging out with Tom Cruise and Katie and Suri and I thought he was a Pavorotti person and Tom told me that Pavorotti are loaded with Body Thetans and to punch them with your spirit hand. But actually probably not because Sean Penn doesn't live in Knoxville so maybe I am someone else who does live in Knoxville but not that guy from An Officer and A Gentleman because I think he might be a republican.
I am the real spirit of Knoxville. A great big shining glowing thing that whirls around like a light house except not a lighthouse because that wouldn't make any sense.
Wait! This is it... I'm the Sunsphere. I'm like a Big Bug Zapper that's calling all the bugs to me except I won't kill you but give you a big hug and some natural organic food that is really really good.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007


Hey! You won't believe this, people! Apparently "our" Pope is chopping down trees. I mean, I knew he was opposed to the earth-mother and one of those Latin-loving oligarchs, but I didn't know he'd stoop this low. Send an email to the Vatican to register your complaints. I've already contacted Al Gore's office, and with any luck, President Gore will be able to put a stop to this.

Also we had a special meeting of our Pastoral Council and by a unanimous vote, the Pastoral Council has condemned the pope's actions.

Voter's Guide: Rudy Guilliani

Hey! This is my second voters guide to the upcoming election in 2008 which is only a year away. In past years we used SOV2 money to support awesome people like Ralph Nader and Al Gore so I was hoping people would tell us who they thought we should give money to. Because Barak is really cool and stuff but so is Edwards.

Anyway I'm going to review another republican person today. He is Rudolph Guilianni.

About the Candidate:
Mr. Rudolph Giuliani was mayor of New York City which you would think would make him a democrat but instead makes him one of those new kind of republicans who try to trick you into voting for them. His name sounds Italian so he’s probably a owned a pizza place at some point. I'm pretty sure someone told me that during the 9/11 thing he deliberately sprayed poisonous toxins into the air to make people sick so that people would feel sorry for him.

Typical Quote:
Freedom is about authority. Freedom is about the willingness of every single human being to cede to lawful authority a great deal of discretion about what you do and how you do it.

Yah! If you're Hugo Chavez and love people that's okay to think like that. Or if your Al Gore that's okay because there’s a lot of people out there who want to do what they want to do whatever even though the earth is about to turn into a burning baby. But your a republican and that means you want to do stuff like make people starve.

The good stuff: He isn’t so bad on gay and womyn’s issues. He gave his own money to planned parenthood. He’s kind of pro gun-control but then again not so much everywhere.

The bad stuff: I mean, I’m pretty sure that if Dick Cheney wasn’t behind 9/11 than Rudy was because he did it so he could become president and to distract people. And he’s all like steal from poor people and give it to his own friends! I'm not sure if we could become like Sweden or Venezuela if he were president.

Overall: I give him a C-. I think he really thinks like us a lot but he’s a real wimp to standing up against the Bush people and he wants to act all like “HEY! I’m, the sheriff in this town.” He’s kind of like the anti-Ron Paul which is weird because there both republicans. Do you want to do what Rudy Guiliani tells you? Because then we’ll all be waiters at his country club and probably have to help him get up on his horse and stuff! “How are you today, Mr. Giuliani? Another martini Mr. Giuiliani? Oh, by the way Mr. Guiliani the Earth is EXPLODING because of global warming!”

You can read more about him at Catholics Against Rudy but I'm not sure that's a good idea because there all people who even though there against a republican maybe aren't against republicans.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Plenary Indulgence 4U!

Hey! Wow! Our "Hit Counter" has risen over 10,000! In celebration of this event, I am granting all readers of this 'blog a plenary indulgence of 10,000 hours. Basically this means that you can do whatever you want for the next 10,000 hours without any consequences. In the bad old days before V2, you used to have to pay to get a plenary indulgence - the priests kept them for themselves so that they could misbehave and not have to worry about it. So for the next 10,000 hours, I want all of you to live life to the fullest - enjoy all of those things that you think are "uncool" or "sins."

Oh, and by the way, if you vote for me for Bishop of Knoxville, and I win, I'm going to give everyone who voted for me a 100,000 hour plenary indulgence! Hey! Maybe this Catholicism thing isn't all bad, huh?

As for me, I'm giving myself the indulgence too, so I'm off to put H. Robert's brain bottle on the gas stove to see what happens.

Monday, August 13, 2007

Latin Translation Program

Hey! Well, that Cathlofascist Adoro has a neat post on the Google Translator, which reminded me that I forgot to tell you all about a really cool Latin/English translator that I found. I've been running the text of the Post Concilliar Documents of Vatican II through the translator, and sure enough, it pretty much comes out exactly as I expected it would. Feel free to send me your latin text and I'll translate it with this cool software package that Ngyuen put together out of Java Applettes.

As an example of how well this software works, I took parts of the latin text of "Sancrosanctum Concilium", which translates as "Holy Conciliation". For example, in Chapter VI, "Holy Tunage", section 116. Below, I've taken the text from what had been my favorite translation, the "Inclusive Language" edition of "The Basic Sixteen Documents of Vatican Council II" by Austin Flannery, O.P. This is marked by "(A)". Then I ran the latin text through Ngyuen's program. This is marked by "(B)". Note the astounding differences!:

(A) 116. The church recognizes Gregorian chant as especially native to the Roman liturgy. Therefore, other things being equal, it should be given pride of place in liturgical services. Other kinds of sacred music, especially polyphony, are by no means excluded from liturgical celebrations so long as they accord with the spirit of the liturgical action as laid down in article 30.

(B) 116. The church recognizes that Gregorian chant may be OK for Romans, but we're not Romans, are we? Therefore, other things being equal, every faith community is required to have at least one Marty Haugen tune on the song list. On feasts and solemnities, two Marty Haugen songs are required, except in circumstances in which it is appropriate to substitute one David Haas song for a Marty Haugen song, in which case the remaining Marty Haugen song has to be "Gather Us In." If a faith community choses to base the whole Mass on Marty Haugen's "Mass of Creation," then it is only necessary to have one Marty Haugen song on feasts and solemnities, although it is generally recommended, for the benefit of the faithful, to also include a David Haas song or perhaps Michael Joncas's "On Eagle's Wings," as laid down in article 30.

And what about this article 30?

(A) 30. To develop active participation, the people should be encouraged to take part by means of acclamations, responses, psalms, antiphons, hymns, as well as by actions, gestures and bodily attitudes. And at the proper time a reverent silence should be observed.

(B) 30. It is desirable to develop active participation so that anyone can be the celebrant of the mass. But today's Catholics don't know what they're doing, nor are they very good singers. So it is fitting that they should be encouraged to take part by copying the acclamations, resposes, psalms, songs, and hymns of the people near them, and to imitate the gestures of the priest, including the raising of hands, the breaking of bread, and various signs, gestures, motions, and ambulations as they appear to be worthy of imitation and to raise the self-esteem of the congregant. With respect to Holy Tunage, in order to increase the singing ability of the faith community, hymns should be selected which cover several octaves and really stretch the singer's abilities from ringing the rafters to putting four on the floor. A good example of this are songs from Andrew Lloyd Weber musicals, which are excellent patterns for modern church music. A proper and reverent approach to liturgical music requires that churches hire music ministers who sound like Steve Perry with his nuts in a vise.

I'm sorry

Che has let me back on the internet provided I behave in a more mature and professional manner. So I wish to take this opportunity to offer a deep and sincere apology for some of my comments. I realize that I was not being church to many of you and I am sorry.

Che also wished me to inform you that his natural organic tomatoes are delicious and that they are fully compatible with a modern and progressive interpretation of the church. The price he has set is fair and represents actual costs to him and a portion of the proceeds will go to help "indigenentous peoples." Your support of The The Natural Organic Food Store represents a commitment on your part to be good stewards of Mother Earth.
H. Robert
Now will you hook me back up to SimCity?

Sunday, August 12, 2007

Why I have taken Legal Action


That imbecile Che has finally managed to hook up his computer to my electronic interface and I am once again able to communicate with a wider community. Not that I actually wish to communicate with those of you who "voted" in that little poll to hand my body over to the Scientologists and have me turned into an amusing laboratory experiment.

I will not speak of you as to what exactly transpired in my consciousness after drinking the "frog tea" that Krystal assured me would "cure me of every ill" but I assure you that as my life passed me by I finally came to my senses in regards to what exactly constitutes humanity. I now see revolts me intensely. Why I ever, when I was in my body, believed that what people needed were hugs and soft pats on the backs I will never understand. What most of you need is a good slap. Come to your senses people! The state I am in is directly a result of the pernicious "pro-life" views of a deluded minority.

In my book Prickly Topics I took a very soft approach to dealing with the complicated issues of the day. Cohabitation, contraception, womyn priests, the role of the papacy. Oh, I have no doubt I was right on all these things, but I was so soft and gentle. I see now how wrong it was of me. What is required in this world is actually severe punishment. You, the people of SOV2 as agents of John Paul II's philosophy deserve severe punishment.

I am sure that very few of you know at all how painfully boring it is to be a brain in a jar. Working hard at a catholic university for 40 years to promote what you call "the culture of death" you would think if there were justice I would not be "rewarded" by being continuously subjected to the worst kind of funk music and Julia Roberts and Cheech and Chong movies 24 hours a day. You don't know how many times I have seen Pretty Woman and Up in Smoke?

I happen to know there are people at this faith community with deep pockets and those deep pockets will now pay. I demand that if I am to be a brain in a jar that at least I have the best jar and the best electronic equipment available and some better attendents than this tacky beret wearing fashion industry reject. That is why I am suing SOV2 and Dr. Argot for $100,000,000.

Rest assured, in the mean time I plan to exercise my frustrations by continuing my mission here to prevent young people from falling into the trap called asceticism. What young people need is the ability to freely explore their feminity without hindrance and to use whatever chemicals are necessary to relieve their anxieties. And they need to be fully committed to the battle against the institutions that seek to restrain them. I may just be a brain in a jar but I will not give up my struggle until I am potted on the steps of the Capital proclaiming in front of 100,000 young faces their rights to do as they want, whenever, however, wherever, and with whatever, and whoever they want.

H. Robert

Saturday, August 11, 2007

Natural Organic Tomatoe

Hey everybody! Well a lot of stuff has been happening since I went out to California. It was great because after dropping of H. Robert's body with the Scientologists I got to hang out with a group of people who are really into natural foods. There food is organic and I got to see how they grow it and everything and you know that they don't kill bugs or anything? What they do is they grow extra-food for all the insect people and if they see a bug on one of there tomatoes that there going to sell in their store or whatever they really carefully take the bug and put it on another tomato that there not going to sell. So anyway the natural organic food costs a little more because basically you know half the food is going to the insects and stuff but I think its really worth it because its about sharing resources with our friends. Anyway I am going to open up my own natural organic food store here and I am going to be trying it so starting this Sunday you can buy a tomatoe that I personally took all the bugs off of. Right now I only have one tomatoe so you better hurry. It costs $10.

I am going to call my store THE THE NATURAL ORGANIC FOOD STORE after Matt Johnson of The The. Because even though I still think Matt Johnson is a LOSER SELL-OUT because his song "This is The Day" is being used to sell Dockers pants and M&Ms and stuff but I still think his songs are really cool. And I'm going to play his song "I've been waiting for tommorrow" all the time because its all about somebody hiding in a garden which is pretty neat. Anyway Matt Johnson is THE BEST because he really understands modern life. Because modern life is about being ANGRY. Except he doesn't wear berets but I think that's because he's bald. You know Prince doesn't wear berets either but he sings about them so that's why Prince is still my favorite singer and I know that Father Tim really doesn't like that Prince song When Doves Cry because it says "Maybe I'm just like my mother" and he says that it reminds him of stuff when his mother wasn't like a horse whisperer but a horse rider. That's why we don't play it on Sundays. And Todd Turk is STILL A WEENIE!

I'll tell you about my jail experience pretty soon and all about H. Robert too but I have to run because I need to make sure the solar panels are pointed in the right direction because the battery was really low and H Robert was saying that he was hungry.


Oh Yah! Father Tim, don't worry about that wrongful life suit thing against the church because I'm talking to H. Robert and I think he's just kind of mad.

Thursday, August 9, 2007

Fr. Juno's Homily, Sunday, August 4

Hello to my dear friends at the Spirit of Vatican II Faith Community. It has been some time since we have talked, which makes me sad, but I think it is better for Fr. Plarvik and others if I am not around the buildings for now. My thoughts and prayers are with you always and good memories of the time that I spent with you. As I saw that Fr. Plarvik was having some difficulties rendering my homily into text, I thought I would save the trouble and post my notes from the homily. These will be accurate to what I preached but will not contain many of the interruptions from the people in rainbow sashes or those people wanting to show solidarity with the aboriginals of Australia's RedFern parish. The homily follows:

Hello my dear friends of Spirit of Vatican II Faith Community. It has been some time since I have seen many of you and to see you now brings back many memories of my time here. I must thank you for requesting that I be here to give this homily, it is flattering to think that you appreciate the word that I share with you but more it is humbling to think that you appreciate the Word who endows all of us with our charisms.

In the first reading, we hear the great lament of vanity. This warning should be dear to us. How much of what we do is constructed upon a foundation of vanity? Even good things can be things of vanity. One can compose mighty symphonies or create great works of art, but if vanity is the root of the action, then "in vain" will be the accomplishment. God asks us to turn all of our works towards him. This does not mean that the subject of all our actions must be religious, but that we must find religion in all that we do. When we value beauty, it must not be for posession or lust, but it must be that we see God in beauty, that we see God in truth. In the middle ages, the philosophers argued greatly over the Dionysian negative theology that saw an impossibility in knowing God except in His reflection in all things. Though this theology is incomplete, as explained by the great Scholastics, it still has truth to speak to us - the mysticism of the East has a message for us.

And we are given a sort of map in the second reading, where St. Paul tells us that we must "put to death" those things which are obstacles to truth, and those things which only reinforce our vanity - namely immorality, impurity, passion, greed, evil desire, and untruth. But let me ask you this: have you even the courage to name these things? Here in this faith community, we mix the vanity of our own self-righteousness with timidity. We do this in the name of acceptance, or diversity. But can we even claim that such actions are in the best interests of those among us who sin by vanity, by impurity, immorality, passion, greed, or untruth? Is it not a worse crime to leave a sinner uncorrect than to offend a sinner by naming his sin? If you saw a man about to eat poison, would you not stop him? Despite his earnest desire to consume what is only harmful to him?

Yes, these are hard words here in this building. But remember also the Gospel for today - where Christ implores us to store up treasures in heaven, and not on earth. Yes, reprimanding our fellows will make us unloved - we will be called rigid moralistic bigots. We will be told we are not tolerant, or that we think we have a monopoly on the truth. As Christ warned the apostles, if they do such things to Him, how much more will they do to us? I in turn implore you, people of the Spirit of Vatican II: turn aside from the vanity that makes you accept every evil so that you will be liked and adored. Turn instead to the self-denial that accepts calumny here on earth, but stores up treasures in heaven.

Wednesday, August 8, 2007

Fr. Juno's Homily to be Published

Hey! Well, with the help of some folks from SSLI, and the assistance of a team of Kenyan acrobats who happened to stop in at the rectory, I have managed to decypher the audiotape of Fr. Juno's homily last Sunday. I will be "posting" the homily on the 'blog sometime today. But first I have a lot of running around to do. As you know, Monday was "Hiroshima Day" over there in Oak Ridge, so naturally a lot of our faith communicants went to protest at the Y-12 nucular bomb factory. These brave martyrs have now been arrested, so I have to go bail them out. As you might have expected, a good portion of our staff are now in jail, including Sr. Fairah, Maryann, Ché, Dr. Al-Fakkir, Todd Turk, Eugene & the entire Youth Group, Kate Po, Mary Rose, Ngyuen Tran, Britnee and Taheettee. As a matter of fact, everyone was arrested except for Clyde Hummins (thank the Spirit!) and me. I, of course, wasn't able to attend because there's so much parish business to transact, and I needed the time to complete a course of transcendental meditation that I've been working on, and also I had to get some things ready for my next retreat.

Anyway, I'll have the Juno Homily published soon, but don't expect too much. It's a really incoherant rambling about all sorts of patriarchical nonsense - typical Fr. Juno stuff.

Peace out!

Dym Plarvik

Tuesday, August 7, 2007

Clarification on Womyn Priestesses

Hey! Well, one of the commentors on my last "post" made a really good question up. He/She asked "what are you supposed to call womyn priestesses?" Well, there's a lot of confusion on this topic, so let me address it:

Think about the term "Doctor"... if you've got a man doctor who's last name is "Smith," you just call hym "Doctor Smith." Right? Well, if you've got a womyn doctor who's last name is "Smith," then you call hyr "Doctor Smith." Is there confusion? No, because Doctor Smith knows if he/she is a man or a womyn. So it should be the same way with priests/priestesses. Except that the word "Father" is a loaded word, carrying with it the oligarchical and patriarchical oppression of 2007 years.

This topic came up on my European Pilgrimage, and frankly, there were a lot of really good ideas thrown around. But did you know something? Up until about 100 years ago, priests in America weren't even called "Father." Instead, they were called "Dom", like "Dom Plarvik" or "Dom Kane." Even the word "Dom," though, has gender bigoted connotations, so the good peoples gathered at the Womynkirk conference had a really great idea. One, gender-neutral honorific for all priests/priestesses. There was a vote, and people thought that the best way to handle this was to use the gender-neuterfying letter "y" in place of the "o". So the movement has agreed that the honorific for all priests & priestesses is to be "Dym."

Thanks for raising this issue and giving me an opportunity to share!

-Dym Plarvik

Monday, August 6, 2007

Warning to SOViers

Hey! Well, first of all, let me say that I know we are way behind in 'blogging here at SOV2. After my pilgrimage in Europe, I needed to take some time off, so I went on retreat to (you guessed it!) Maggie Valley. While I was gone, Fr. Juno said the homily on Sunday. I know you people voted for him, and we believe in running the Church as a Democracy, but really people! Anyway, as I promised to "post" his homily to the 'blog, I'll do so as soon as I can get around to it. There's a tape recording of the homily and frankly Fr. Juno is difficult to understand, so I'm going to see if I can get someone from SSLI to lend a hand in translating some of the crazy parts.

Which brings me to my reason for 'blogging today. You will never guess what I found in my mailbox today. A copy of Envoy Magazine. Now for those of you who haven't seen this unsightly rag, a little background is necessary. About three years ago, I got tired of constantly having to explain to my fellow faith communicants about how Envoy was messing up everybody's heads with their neocath, ultra rad-trad phariseeism. I had a couple of young faith communicants come to me and ask a lot of questions that I knew were just straight out of Envoy, things like "but the Church says it's wrong to be gay" and "but the Church says it's wrong to have womyn priests," and stuff like that. And then it would take me hours and hours of explanation. Sometimes I'd even have to tell these people that they weren't being Church, and wouldn't be allowed in the building unless they started being Church.

Then I had enough, so I wrote a really scathing letter to the people at Envoy, all about how they were being pharisees. And it must have really got to them, because they stopped their magazine. You know, it's kind of scary to realize that you have that kind of power, but it's something I have to live with - I guess I don't know the force of my own intellect, and crazy things can happen, like when I debated Christopher Hitchens.

Then, like a bolt out of the blue, today this magazine shows up again. These people just won't learn their lesson. So I'm working on a new letter to send to them. With any luck, it will make them stop their magazine permanently.

Peace out!

Wednesday, August 1, 2007

Parody Suspended

The SOV2 parody is suspended so that we can ask for your prayers for those affected by the Minnesota bridge collapse. Pie Iesu, dona eis pacem.