Thursday, June 14, 2007

The preferred non-violent weapon

Hey peoples, as you know I am a pacifist but every now and then one must respond to situations where one is attacked in a violent manner. Yes the god-spirit has said we should turn the other cheek and I'm all about that you know but sometimes for the good of the attacker one needs to stop the attack before they hurt themselves too bad by not being careful and besides sometimes they are a republican or something and the god-spirit clearly wasn't thinking about them and your supposed to hit them (Remember all the republicans in the temple how the god-spirit drove them out!) Anyway a recent situation came up and I got a first hand comparison at two nonviolent weapons in action in a real-life life or death encounter with another person who I won't say who it is because it's someone new here and I don;t want to make them feel bad or get angry or anything.

Now I tried to defend myself using a roled up copy of commonweal. Though commonweal is really well-written and insightful and extra-glossy I found that it was not able to thwart the attack. I repeatedly hit my attacker a bunch of times and it simply didn't even draw his attention which is what it was supposed to do. The magazine kind of crumpled up and bent a lot and pages started to fall out and things and soon enough it was like I was hitting him with nothing at all which isn't good.

Fortunately Adoro was there to demonstrate another alternative weapon called First Things which is not as nice appearing because the cover looks like cardboard and stuff and it doesn't roll up so well and stuff and there's no pretty pictures or anything and way too many words and stuff. I mean it looks kind of like a pizza box but really thin. When Adoro saw my situation she hit Tom Al-fakkir once on the head with it (not even rolled up or anything but just plane flat, because she was holding it by two corners). He immediately lifted his head up and she hit him a second time and his eyes rolled into the back of his head and he was immediately passifated and things. The cool thing was that the magazine looked like it could still be used again.

I think the difference is in the weighty construction because even if they are about the same thickiness (actually First Things is maybe a little more thickier) there seems to be more stuff in First Things than in commonwael and I think it also maybe is made of tougher stuff because of how easily commonwael just flew apart when I tried to defend myself with it. So I recomend that we all go out and buy copies of First Things and keep it with us at all times. I'm sure it also works awesome with evangelical protestants and republicans. BUT DON'T READ IT! Because if Adoro likes it its probably not very church and stuff.



Anonymous said...

What kind of name is First Things anyway?

Che' Lovell said...

I think its about some kind of guy building a new house in a public square or something. I think its about capitalism but I'm not sure but if I were you I wouldn't try to find out.

Tom said...

I'll have to tell my fellow ROFTers about this use of First Things.

DeMaistre said...

FT is a great weapon. I have also used Touchstone to beat off attackers. It doesn't have the thick cardboard cover like First Things but it is as hard as steel.

Besides, I actually tried to read that First Things once and did you know they print things from Opus Dei wannabes like George Weigel, Father Richard Neuhaus and Avery carinal Dulles? Thank the god-spirit it is good for whacking because I don't think it is made for reading.

Terrence Berres said...

Commonweal is better for whacking if you compare the relative amount of space the two magazines' weblogs spent discussing The Sopranos.