Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Hey Everybody!

Hey! What a blast Solstice was. Kerri and I had a really cool time hanging with Tom Cruise and Katie. You wouldn't believe all the stuff Kerri and Tom had to talk about. I'm glad he is married already to Katie because I know that Kerri is pretty much his type. Kerri says that she thinks Scientology is pretty neat because it is so well organized but since she would have to move in at the ground floor she would happier thinking up her own scheme. I told her that I could probably help her get to OT XXX right away but she said it was going to be too much trouble.

Anyway we did get a chance to stop in at a church near Hollywood on Christmas Eve. It was really crowded so we left early.

Anyway, Kerri says that she likes Christmas in Europe a lot better because it is completely non-religious and stuff. She says basically it is just a time to exchange presents and eat a lot of food and nobody feels guilty or anything.

Anyway, I got Keri a new tennis anklet. My dad loaned me the money and stuff which is cool because I know a lot of people don't know this but diamonds are made out of carbon so that it's like buying $25,000 in carbon offsets.

Anyway, I hope nothing happened to Todd. Nobody answered the phone when I called.

See ya!


Sunday, December 23, 2007


Seasons Greetings! (The government does not permit me to use the "C" word because it might offend some people)

I finally got the go-ahead from my superiors to make some arrests with the growing tensions at SOV2--today I arrested some of the most violent demonstrators from the remaining groups in the parking lots. Dr. al-Fakkir was not too happy when I arrested the Palestinian ringleader, but he seemed to be more cooperative when I arrested one of the rationalists and one of the Mexican demonstrators too (Actually the most violent was the rationalist demonstrator). I have told the remaining members that they can remain where they are as long as they don't get violent.

There will be some follow-up paperwork, however; don't be alarmed if teams of agents come around to interview the witnesses about what happened during the rioting stage.

Agent Smith

P.S. Agent Jones, I would like you to keep an eye on the parking lot--I need to make a report to the top brass in DC and I leave tomorrow.

Friday, December 21, 2007

Joyous News

I'm sure everyone has been wondering where I've been. Sorry for the secrecy, but there was a special gathering of Gorbertines. I'm still not at liberty to tell where. But it was a most joyous occassion. Based on the current push to force the patriarchal oppressors in Rome to accept Woman Priests, we in the Gorbertine order have taken a giant leap for all syblyngs. In this time of horror of our fellow tree syblyngs where they are forced from their homes and dressed ridiculously and tortured with burning lights, tinsel and small quantities of water we Gorbertines have ordained a syblyng tree as priest. Fellow syblyngs I give you Fr. Aspen surrounded by his deacons....

Fr. Aspen

Obviously we're keeping the location secret as there's nothing the Reagan-Ratzingerist Cabal would like better than to chop down Fr. Aspen and make him into pages for their outlawed missals of the forbidden mass.

Thursday, December 20, 2007

On Retreat

Hey everybody! Guess what! I got a chance to go on retreat this weekend and to stay over the Christmas holiday at the Glenmaryknoll Retreat House. This is great because next to Easter, Christmas is the biggest pain in the butt for me, with all the masses and all the people who normally don't come to church showing up and wanting things.

Anyway, Kip will be taking care of all the masses and things while I'm gone. Before I go, a little business:

1. Ché - tell Todd to start being church and stop his moping. If that doesn't work, call Fr. Juno. Oh, and have fun in Vale. Say hi to Ed Begley Jr. while you're there.

2. Gorebertines - you have the run of the rectory while I'm gone, but please DON'T GO INTO THE WEST WING! IT'S FORBIDDEN!

3. Ngyuen - see if you can set up my new Dell laptop - I haven't been able to get it to work.

4. Clyde - I insist that you stop seeing Mizz Argot. You're paid to clean up messes, not make them!

I think that's all the details. OCP will pretty much take care of the faith community while I'm gone. Have a joyous solstice!

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

This OCP thing

Hey Father Tim!

Okay at first I was like okay with this whole thing with the OCP and stuff because I basically didn't understand it or anything. But Todd Turk shows up at our apartment. Not the one in London Towne which is where Keith is still hanging out but our new one at Campus Pointe. I mean Kerri has like spent a lot of money making it look nice and stuff so we can't have Keith over here. Kerri is AWESOME because she really knows what goes with what and she is all about good taste not like some of the other girls I used to date. I mean pretty much anything she says is always right.

Anyway Todd Turk is practically suicidal because he lost his job and Kerri is like "throw him out, remember how mean he was all the time because he made fun of you" and I was like "yah! but he's still a person and stuff" and she said "whatever" and stuff. So I let him in and he kind of collapsesin the living room on the genuine antique Afghan rug. I mean, and he smells like really cheap coffee a lot. I mean a whole lot. Because we only get our coffee from this internet place which gets it direct from Columbia and it's a lot better than what you can get someplace else because Kerri knows all these things.

Anyway, the Todd is all crying all the time and he's so greatfull and stuff but he keeps saying he's going to kill himself and then he drank all our coffee. And anyway, we're supposed to head out this weekend back to Vail to ski some more and I wonder about letting him stay here because he may actually kill himself and then the place might smell bad when we get back.


Tuesday, December 18, 2007

New OCP Dress Code

Hey everybody! Kip wanted me to rush out this announcement so that everybody has time to get ready for the big Christmas celebrations. First off, here is the Christmas mass schedule:

Christmas Eve:
  • 4:00 pm: Children's Mass
  • 5:30 pm: Youth Mass
  • 7:00 pm: Pet Mass
  • 8:30 pm: Mexican Mass
  • 9:45 pm: Mexican Youth Mass
Christmas Day:
  • 12:00 am: Midnight Ecumenical Mass (with Al-Hasqa Mosque)
  • 11:00 am: Christmas Day Mass
Whew! Now that that's over with, I have to tell you about a new policy. Apparently the OCP requires that, in order to conform to their liturgical guide, all faith communicants adhere to the dress code associated with the particular liturgical format of the mass that they're going to. Starting after Christmas, we're going to be having three different mass types:
  • One with the Spirit: This is a casual mass - let your hair down!
  • Burning with the Spirit: This is very similar to our current progressive mass
  • That Old Tyme Faithe: This is new to SOV2, it's a sort of traditional mass
Now, I know what some of you are thinking: "A traddie mass at SOV2!?" Well, I wasn't super happy about it either, but apparently OCP has done some studies and they think we can maximize our revenues by appealing to some of the traddie types, while luring them into a more progressive spirituality. So what the heck! I may have to bring Fr. Juno in to do some of the parts of the mass that I've forgotten how to do.

So, like I said, the OCP requires that in order to have a valid mass, the faith communicants must adhere to the dress code stipulated by the OCP liturgical guide. The following outfits are approved by OCP and can be purchased at their on-line site. The new OCP ushers will not let anybody into the worship space who doesn't conform to the new policy. So without further ado, in popular men's & womyn's styles, here are the new clothes you have to wear.

Old Tyme Faithe (traditional):

Burning for Change (progressive):

Moved by the Spirit (casual):

Some Changes at SOV2

Hey everybody! Well, how do you like the new look of the 'blog? Our good friend Mr. Kip Struthers of the OCP told us that our 'blog was noncompliant with the style standards maintained by the OCP, so we had to change it to the way they think it should look. I kind of liked the old look, but since we're getting such a big discount on our bulletins and missals, we really have to go with the whole program.

On a related note, we've had to fire Todd Turk. While he was a super Liturgical Music Minister, he wasn't able to complete the OCP's rigorous training, and thus wasn't certified. Since under the terms of our contract with the OCP we have to have a certified music minister, we've replaced Todd with a Kareoke machine that OCP sold us at a very reasonable price. This is really a load off of our weekly liturgical planning meetings, since now we can use the preprogrammed liturgical plans that OCP provides us.

Also, I really should let you know that Kip will be concelebrating the masses with me so that he can get a feel for our liturgical rhythms. So don't mind him! He's a validly certified deacon with the OCP and can perform all the sacraments except foot-washing.

More later - I've got to run as I have a teleconference with Oregon and they get really mad if I'm late.

Peace out!

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Kerri's response.

Hey! Kerri jotted down her responses. She kind of talks funny like this sometimes and it sounds really mean and stuff but she is really nice. you have to hang out with us sometime to really appreciate her and stuff. She is teaching me a lot.

Section 1. Beliefs:

I only believe in myself and my ability with my rational mind to arrive at the objective truth concerning the nature of the universe.

Section 2. Values:
Since the universe is arbitrary and hence without cause or purpose what is essential is not what it or some imaginary being intends for me but what I intend to do with it. I must regard myself honestly and objectively. Virtue consists in maintaining my independence. To that purpose it is only in enlightening my mind and maintaining a healthy body that I can speak of good.

In regards to others and their perverse actions, to the degree they are like the irrational beasts governing themselves towards feelings and emotions which are products of subconscious thought, they may be disregarded as beneath my notice. Otherwise, the relation between rational men should be based only on contractual ethics.

Section 3. Faith:
Faith is a delusion and a crutch for the week-minded. Ultimately salvation lies only in knowledge, awareness, and in independence. It is enough for me that I lived well and with dignity.

Pre Canaanite Compatibility Test

Hey Ché, I keep forgetting about this Pre-Canaanite test that the Vatican wants us to start doing. Actually, we're about to sign up for a test that is administered by the Oregon Catholic Press, so you're the last person to have to go through this with our SOV2 test. Since I already know you really well, you just have to get Kerry to take the test and send us the results so that we can tell you if you're allowed to get hitched. So here's our test:

Section 1. Beliefs:
  1. Many peoples believe there's some sort of supernatural spirit that runs things. Circle the one you most agree with:
  • I believe in God - he has a white beard and is a male
  • I believe in the Spirit
  • I believe in one Darwin, the discoverer of Truth, the finder of Evolution. I believe in one Dawkins, only son of the Darwin, eternally begotten of the meme. I believe in the Hitchens, who proceeds from the Darwin and the Dawkins. With the Darwin and the Dawkins he is worshiped and glorified.
  • I don't believe in anything
  • I don't believe in anything except that whatever you believe is wrong
Section 2. Values:

  1. We live in a pluralistic world with many cultures and valid life choices. Circle the statements that you agree with, and cross a line through those you disagree with:
  • Everybody's got to do their own thing
  • People have to do what I tell them to do
  • Womyn have the right to terminated unwanted pregnancies
  • Men should be able to tell Women what to do with their bodies
  • This country would be better off run by Womyn
  • A Woman's place is in the home
  • Children should be raised by the civil authorities, if at all
  • I want my children to refuse medical treatment and die
  • It is fun to have lots of anonymous sexual partners
  • You go to hell if you have sex
  • Same-sex attraction should be encouraged
  • I want to kill all queers
Section 3. Faith:
  1. We live in a pluralistic world with many faiths and valid faith choices. Circle the statements that you agree with, and cross a line through those you disagree with:
  • The Catholic Church is an evil oligarchical patriarchical institution of oppression
  • If you're not Catholic, you're going to hell
  • I want my children to be altar boys/girls
  • The only good thing about my kids being altar servers is that they would get a chance to validly explore their sexuality with a Womynpriest
  • I believe in transubstantiation (the thing about body & blood & bread & wine)
  • I'm partial to crackers and grape juice served in clay goblets made by 3rd graders
  • A church building should look like a church, steeple & all!
  • Any liturgical interior is equally valid. What's important is a comfortable and welcoming community center.
  • I will force my family to wear suits and dresses to mass
  • I once attended mass in a "Free-Tibet" thong

Monday, December 10, 2007

Congratulations Che!

I'm so happy that you, too, have found your soul mate! I hope you & Kerri are as happy as BD & I.

Also, please let me extend an apology to all SOV2iers. I've been so devastated by the oppression happening to the WomynPrysts in St. Louis (of course, they are holding strong & refusing to accept such unilateral, misogynist treatment, but still, it's distressing), and so caught up in my prison ministry and, well, my own personal happiness that I haven't been around much. Please be assured that I will not neglect my duties in future!

Dym Tym, BD has mentioned that he & his brothers have many opportunities that could help generate cash for the Faith Community; they only need the space & privacy to pursue them, for which the rectory would be perfect. He says don't worry about them getting through the parking lots, as he & "the guys" could easily set up ramps & jump their hogs over the blockades.


I talked to the Knoxville police yesterday--they don't want to come anywhere near the grounds of SOV2. The chief said that they get about 30-50 calls to dispatch daily complaining about this community--a note to the neighbors: there wont be any arrests for disturbing of the peace; at least not yet. My superiors have not given me permission yet to move in and break up the situation, so things will stand as they are for the time being.

Agent Smith

Carbon Offsets 4 Sale


I am always amazed by my fiancee's Kerri's business sense. She is really smart which is why I totally love her absolutely 100%. She is so cool. But to be honest Kerri maybe hasn't always cared about environmental stewardship as much as I have and so we've been talking and she decided that maybe we could work together and find away of combing SOCIAL CONCERN and FIRMLY SOUND ECONOMIC PRINCIPLES. So she has decided to help people who want to be GREEN.

Anyway if you remember a while back I was selling SOV2 trees? Well this is like taking SOV2 trees to a new level. Kerri has taken some of her money and founded a research lab: The Albert Gore Junior Center for Really Awesome Green Energy Research. I named part of it. Basically the way it works is that it is going to solve all the energy problems by producing energy from sunlight, wind, rain, tides, geothermal, and carbon free biofuels like methanol but NOT NUCLEAR.

Anyway as you know right now you and your SUVs are producing something like 5000 million tons of CO2 a year. Divide that by 6 billion or so people and... wait let me get my calculator... Hey Kerri! Whats 5000 million divided by 6 billion? Oh yah. Thanks! Anyway basically you produce about a ton of CO2 a year because you don't care about the environment. If you are an American multiply that by 5 because you are fat and lazy and watch too much TV. If you are canadian multiply by 2 because you store your beer in some old refridgerator. Anyway, that's your Carbon footprint.

So, the research lab is going to eliminate all that. We estimate its going to cost us something like 75 trillion dollars. Now if you take the 75 trillion dollars and divide by 5000 million you will find that... wait... okay... here it is 25,000 dolars per ton of CO2. Okay, so basically that's what it's going to cost per person on Earth too. Anyway, I know it's like really hard for a lot of you to do math because you aren't trained scientists like me and Al Gore and stuff but what I am saying is that if you are an American you owe me 125,000 and if you are Canadian you owe me 250,000.

And don't think I am thinking I am somehow above making environmental sacrifices. I am going to be CEO and pay myself a really reasonable salary of 500,000. Half of that I am going to donate to my own company. So I am only going to make 250,000 a year which is really cheep for a CEO.


Friday, December 7, 2007

Sideline Warning!

This is for the groups located in the parking lots now--I am giving you a warning. Stop the rioting before something bad happens.

Agent Smith

I'm getting married!

Hey! I popped the question and Kerri said yes! I am so really excited now. Basically I just came down the double black diamond on my ski board after my Dad's helicopter had dropped us off and she was right behind me so I wiped out on purpose and she landed on top of me and we were all tangled up and stuff and that's when I told her I wanted her to be my double diamond forever and so I gave her a five carat perfect diamond engaagement ring set in emeralds and stuff. I don't know much about that kind of thing but my dad wanted me to giver her that because he is so much for me settling down and stuff. She looked awesome in her pink Dior skiing miniskirt and the pink ski beret I designed. I am hoping Pucci who is awesome will pick up on the ski berets I make which have give you a South American feel ebcause thay have AWESOEM slopes in the Andes that a lot of people don't know about but I skiied as a kid on vacation with my dad when he was going to Argenina a lot.

Anyway, since she wants an outdoor wedding, my dad is going to fly everybody out to Bali on his companies private jet and write it off as a business expense. Father Tim we are hoping you will come and officiate. I also hope I meet some of the U.N. Then we are going to a private Safari honeymoon in Zimbabwe.


Thursday, December 6, 2007

Support SOV2

Hey everybody! Well, as you may know, SOV2 has fallen on hard financial times. While we have been saving a lot of $$$ by getting discounts from OCP for our hymnals and bulletins, some of the "ancillary" costs have really been eating into our collection. The certification training for our ushers was very expensive, and the special audits that OCP provides aren't cheap either. Also, to be compliant to the OCP's rigorous musical standards, we had to hire a number of local musicians to supplement Todd's various choirs. To cap it all off, it's very expensive to feed all those Palestinians and Undocumented Guest Workers who are living on the SOV2 campus. I wish that whole loaves & fishes thing would work for me! (I tried it earlier, but sure enough, there was still only one fish and five loaves).

The last straw is that Dr. Argot is getting a divorce from Mz. Argot, who as you may know, was one of our local TV news personalities before she hooked up with our benefactor. Apparently Mz. Argot was having some sort of affair with Clyde Hummins, our groundskeeper. But that might just be a rumor, and even if it is true, you can't blame Clyde. I mean, have you seen Mz Argot? Hubba hubba! Anyway, Dr. Argot is a little upset with SOV2 right now, even though I already approved his annulment. So I'm a little nervous about approaching him for money. So anyway, I would like you to consider starting something called "tripletithing", where you basically give 30% of your aftertax earnings to SOV2. This is an investment in your future, people!

We're going all out to save costs as well. I've retained a consultant from OCP to help us manage our finances. I had to drain the $100k out of our rainy day fund to pay the consultant fee, but I'm sure that they will be able to help us get back on a firm financial footing. Also, we're doing some fundraisers. This month, we will begin selling a line of clothes featuring famous catholics. There's an image below of the first feature, which is called "Hugoroos." Please purchase several pairs - they're only $17.99 each. Thanks for your support!

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

We are a Faith Community

Hey! Kerri wrote this song for us after I just told her a little bit about us. She said writing it really cheered her up which I am pretty sure that means that she is starting to get the SOV2 spirit. I think it's pretty cool because she left the church a while ago.

We are a Faith Community
by Kerri Erpenblech

I am church and so are you
I am priest and priestess too
Sharing the eu-char-ist's that's me,
According to our self's ab-il-i-ty,

Around our campus community,
You'll find signs of our diversity!
With each banner that proclaims,
The great Feminist Thinkers' names!

We are a Faith Community
I'll facilitate you, you'll facilitate me!
'Cause we're on a spiritual journey!
So sing a song of harmonious melody!

Let's respect other's dignity,
In a way that's sure to please,
Teaching the children to adore,
The variety of forms of love in store.


We'll do our parts to steward the Earth,
Do what we can to reduce births,
Eating only granola and soy,
We'll sing our Mother's praise with joy.


Tuesday, December 4, 2007

Parking Lot

Hey everybody! I'd like to take a minute or two to give you some advance info on how to get into the worship space next Sunday, given all the problems with the parking lots.

As you know, the Southeast Parking Lot has been completely occupied by Chief Nils Larssen and his Natyve Amerycans, and Dr. Al-Fakkir's Palestinian refugee friends have completely ringed the parking lot with the burning tire fire, so basically, you can't get to SOV2 from Spirit Lane. You'll have to come up Dry Gap Pike to the Northwest Parking Lot. As you know, we still haven't repaired the trench that the Hugo Chavez battalion dug when Fr. Kane was here, so only those SOViers with SUV's will be able to make it through. Why not be church to one another and give another faith communicant a ride to SOV2 this Sunday?

Some of you may be tempted to park on the Southwest lawn. I strongly encourage you not to do this. Last weekend, we offered SOV2 to be sanctuary to some undocumented immigrants, and now they are camped on the Southwest Lawn to mount their protest to their right to live in the Parking Lot:

Monday, December 3, 2007

Meme response


Sorry I haven't been around much. Kerri and I have been looking for matching snow board outfits for our trip to Vale and there is no selection at all in Knoxville so we went up to Burlington Vermont to see what they had. Plus Kerri has had to talk to the FBI agents like fifteen times about the trust fund. Basically she's allowed to keep all the money as long as she testifies against her folks at the grand jury hearing next week. I mean, she is a bit upset and all but not so much because she didn't like them either.

Anyway, here are eight random facts about me:

1. I punched Sean Penn by accident once
2. I killed L. Ron Hubbards brain by accident with germs
3. I don't have any body thetans at all
4. My favorite movie star is Julia Roberts
5. I designed a special Beret you can wear in the shower
6. I probably know more about Economo-Socio-Political-Feminist-Ideological-Enviro-Activisim than anybody else
7. I own one of the only existing copies of Fungoids by Enoch Soames
8. In fourth grade I one my class spelling bea

Sunday, December 2, 2007


Hey! I got "tagged" for another "meme"... this time by Therese at Aussie Coffee Shop. Here goes...
First of all, the "rules"

....Here's what you do:~Each person starts with 8 random facts/habits about themselves and post these guidelines. ~At the end of the post, choose 8 people to be tagged and list their names.~Don't forget to leave a comment telling them that they are tagged and to read your blog. Have fun!

  1. I performed the wedding for Art Garfunkle's cousin Clevis Garfunkle
  2. Before I became a "priest", I was an amateur cave-bat enthusiast
  3. I own a number of crystals & have a pewter dragon collection
  4. I currently drive a Cadillac Escalade
  5. I am allergic to unleavened bread
  6. When I was 7, I was a children's underwear model for the Dayton/Hudson Department Stores
  7. I know all the words to "Paradise by the Dashboard Lights"
  8. I am addicted to Vegemite & Jaffas (not together!)
I now "tag" the following 'bloggers:

  1. Adrienne at Adrienne's Catholic Corner
  2. Eegahinc at B Movie Catechism
  3. Paul at Thoughts of a Regular Guy
  4. Fr Chad at SSLI
  5. Ché
  6. Ma Beck at Ward Wide Web
  7. Chief Nils Larssen (wherever you are)
  8. Stephanie at Digital Hairshirt
Most of these 'bloggers were "tagged" because I know how much the hate the word "meme" that my friend Dick Dawkins invented. Except for Ché, who loves "memes."

Saturday, December 1, 2007

What's going on?

Hey!  Everybody chill out.  I am really against all this "this is my land" stuff.  Can't we just find common ground?  Now, I completely support Dr. Al-fakkir's plan to use the parking lot as a refugee camp for palestinian refugees, but the tire burning was uncalled for. 

It really disrupted the tour we were giving to some people from the Oregon Catholic Press.  Let me tell you, they were very disappointed, and if we don't make a good impression on them, we might not get the 17% discount on the new choir they're sending us.  Scenes like this aren't very helpful:


I fell asleep in my office last night after finishing up on some paperwork, and I was having this great dream--I was in on the arrest of the century; we had done all the legwork and were about to bust through the door and make the arrest, when I woke up to the sound of an awful racket. I looked out my window facing the parking lot at the SOV2 community, and there were two groups trying to "outsing" each other. Some were dressed in loincloth and chanting very loudly. They had some rough looking tents up--maybe made of some kind of leather, and they were dancing around a roasted deer over a campfire. The second group was standing at the edge of some barrier that was set up and singing some of Fr. Tim's favorite songs. I went out to the barrier and asked someone who they were, and they answered that they were the "Oh sea pea."

I also spotted Dr. al-Fakkir behind the barrier, but I don't think that he was singing at all--just staring at the dancers.

Agent Smith