Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Are Chicken Wings Murder?

I am so mad!

As you know I am a strict vegetarian. I won't eat anything that hasn't fallen off an organic tree and had the seeds carefully extracted to plant a new tree, with two exceptions: Organic cheese pizza with cheese taken voluntarily from cows who are specially nurtured and cared for, organic free-range tomatos, and bread made from neutral carbon wheat. This pizza comes from a company called Big Green Mama's pizza and though it costs a little more ($20.95 for a large) it leaves me with a peaceful sense that I have a low water footprint. And of course, until now, I ate chicken wings.

Now I thought that chicken wings, like hot dogs, was just a clever name people came up with and that they were in fact just tofu. And though I feel bad about eating tofu since tofu comes from soy beans and soy beans are seeds and have gaia's life force in them I allowed myself this slight indulgence. However, I was horrified to learn that chicken wings come from chickens.

This was revealed to me by Father Juno. I can't tell you what a help Father Juno has been the last week in helping me straighten out some of my misconceptions. For example, apparently it's not okay just to get rebaptized everytime I was feeling guilty about accidentally stepping on a ladybug or squashing a spider. There was an ancient heresy called the Donatists (or something) who thought that you could get baptized more than once but the Catholic Church said this was wrong. He also told me it was right to capitalize Catholic. As a fan of e. e. cummings I thought we didn't want to capitalize things too much because that was showing off or looked like you were screaming like when you say TODD TURK IS A LIAR. But he said it was okay to show respect for things so just like I capitalize Julia Roberts I should capitalize Catholic Church. I said but that makes it seem like everybody's not a Catholic because Farther Tim always says that Catholic means universal and since universal means everything, everybody is really Catholic already and we should only say "in the roman catholic tradition" if we must but we should avoid that as much as possible unless we are talking about how bad the crusades are or something.

Anyway he was talking to me about the book of Genesis and the Garden of Eden and to be honest he was talking a lot of things which I don't understand at all because he talks in Kenyan all the time. It had something to do with baptism and "original sin." Now original sin was something Farther Tim told me once was an idea the church had a long time ago but didn't believe in anymore since the Great Council of Liberation: Vatican II. But he said no we still believe in Original Sin because there was something to do with womyn giving birth in pain and men being extra-sweaty. Well somehow in this conversation we started talking about creation and he said chicken wings were actually chicken!

Well I looked into it and it turns out FATHER JUNO WAS RIGHT! Chicken wings are actually parts of chicken. But that's not the worst of it. Do you know how many wings a chicken has? IT ONLY HAS TWO WINGS! Do you know what that means? THAT MEANS WHEN I GOT THE TWENTY-PACK OF CHICKEN WINGS I WAS PERSONALLY RESPONSIBLE FOR THE DEATH OF 10 CHICKENS!

When I realized that I admit I started to cry and I wanted to go to confession right there but Father Juno kind of laughed in a nice way and said it was okay and that eating Chickens wasn't murder. But I'm not sure. Because even though a lot of what Father Juno says makes sense I
was pretty sure that GOOD STEWARDSHIP means not having children and not eating our fellow animals. But he said don't dolphins and purposes eat fish? So I said, I DON'T KNOW! Because that's so confusing. I know that snakes and stuff eat little frogs and mice and things but that's because that's just their NATURE and it's okay but we aren't supposed to and he said "but aren't we a part of nature too and isn't there a kind of natural law which governs our behavior" and I siad I need time to think about that because all of a sudden it doesn't make sense anymore. I mean if I'm just the same as the snakes and dolphins and purposes shouldn't I be allowed to eat mice and little frogs and fish too? But it seems just way too gross.

I have to say since Keith has been abducted by aliens I haven't been getting a lot of sleep. I've been reading his 1200 page essay on the U.S. government (Letter from a Karns Jail) and it makes a lot of sense but it also doesn't make a lot of sense because if we haven't actually been to the moon because of the Radiation Belt thing how come the aliens keep abducting people and taking them to Venus to study them? He doesn't even explain that but I guess it's because of the Alien Technology. But why not just take them to Atlantis instead because that's right here on this planet and then they wouldn't have to go all the way to Venus? I know there are two sets of aliens but I keep getting them confused. Which one is Dick Cheney? Obviously a bad one but is he one of those big giant ones with the Shitake Mushroom heads or is he one of the skinny ones with the big eyes. He doesn't look like either really. I think I'm going to ask Father Juno about the aliens.



Anonymous said...

OMG Che!!!
Hot dogs are made from meat too!!
You have been eating Hot Dog Meat??
Oh, and I had a revelation just now. It's NOT okay for us to do things JUST BECAUSE ANIMALS DO THEM because we are supposed to have a rational, reasoning brain.
Animals also lick their behinds.
Saying something is okay just because it occurs in nature is moronic reasoning.
(Where in the HECK did that thought come from??!! LOL LMAO OMG!)

Che' Lovell said...

Are you saying chickens don't have rational reasoning brains? Don't you remember my friend Curtis who Keith's cat ate? I mean, he could play the piano.

Anonymous said...

Yeah, Curtis was really a person in a mouse body, though.
He also was really great to talk to - SUCH a good listener.
I really miss him.

Che' Lovell said...

You know thinking about how Keith's cat ate Curtis has made me not so mad about him being abducted by aliens. I'm sure I'm not being church to Keith right now but since he was the one who told me chicken wings were made of tofu I'm not sure that we aren't better off without Keith.

Father Tim said...


As you can see from my "post" of this evening, Fr. Juno won't be available to answer your questions. I am happy to clear up any little matters you may have questions about, and Maryann will be very happy to take you into her personal instruction.

Also, if you talk to Keith, PLEASE warn him about the trenches and punjie sticks. In his state of mind he is liable to wander around the barricades and I wouldn't want him to get hurt. We may need him in the coming days.

-Fr. Tim.