Sunday, March 16, 2008

Transcript of First Bishop of Knoxville Debate

Disclaimer: The real Stacy McCloud has nothing to do with this debate. All references to Stacy McCloud are only here because, well, she's the hottest "media personality" in Knoxville. If Fr. Chad or Dym Tim Plarvik existed, they would never be able to get Stacy McCloud to moderate their debate.

Hi everybody, and welcome to the first ever debate between candidates to become the Bishop of Knoxville. I'm Stacy McCloud, and I'm very pleased to be able to be the host and moderator of this debate. I'd also like to thank the generous people of the Western Avenue Shoney's for hosting this debate. As a reminder, both of our candidates, Dym Tim Plarvik of Spirit of Vatican II, and Fr. Chad LeJanvier of the Society of St. Leo I, will have a chance to answer each question. There will be no interruptions permitted, and at Dym Plarvik's request, neither candidate is allowed to leave their podium. And now, without further ado, let's begin the debate. My first question goes to Dym Plarvik. Why do you want to be Bishop of Knoxville?

Hi Stacy. It's great to be here, and it's particularly nice to meet you. Thanks so much for agreeing to moderate this event. When I think about why I want to be Bishop, I can't help but think about when I was a little boy and I had my first puppy. He was a little Cocker Spaniel named "Chartwell." I think a diocese is a lot like a puppy, and just as I had to learn as a little boy how to raise a Cocker Spaniel, so I think that now that I'm grown up, I should get to be a bishop. Plus, I'd be a much better Bishop than our former Bishop or any of the other candidates.

When I first started seminary, the changes brought about by Vatican II were taking full effect. High altars were ripped apart, Latin was banished, and Tabernacles were replaced by "prayer labyrinths". I knew the powers of darkness had taken hold in the Church and that I was called to turn back the tide, despite numerous vocation directors' protestations to the contrary. Once again, I have received this call. God Himself wills that I be Bishop.

If you were Bishop of Knoxville, what would you do to help the waterfront development project?

We tend not to get involved on these so-called "social justice" issues. Though if Vincenzo were still around he might, in his words, "take care of it."

Great question, Stacy. I think it's wrong for a city not to develop its waterfront. Unless that development comes at the price of being environmentally unconscious. I mean, hey! We've all got to live on the same earth here. That's why I count myself as an Earthfriend. If I get to be Bishop, and someone came around saying "hey! let's develop the waterfront, but we're going to have to kill a bunch of tuna" then I would be solidly opposed to that. But if someone said "hey! let's have an ecologically friendly waterfront in the spirit of Rachel Carson" then I'd say "hey! cool!" and we'd be fine with that.

If you were Bishop of Knoxville, would you wear the funny hat, or dress normally?

I would definitely wear the hat - not out of respect for some crazy tradition, but because it's a way of proclaiming to the world - hey! I'm a Bishop! But when I wasn't on the job, I'd just dress normally - sweatpants & Birkenstocks - I gotta be me!

First of all, IT'S CALLED A MITRE! And of course I would wear it, it is part of the Traditional rubrics. Perhaps in the Novus Ordo this has been relegated to some sort of "option," I do not know as I refuse to have anything to do with such things. I will, however, ensure my mitre be the tallest worn in the Americas.

I will also bring about the return of the fiddleback, biretta, rochet, episcopal gloves, cappa magna, and so forth.

The Bishop of Knoxville gets to live in a mansion, while many people in Knoxville have to live in cardboard boxes or trailers. If you were Bishop of Knoxville, would you keep living in the mansion, or would you move into a cardboard box?

I believe that the Exulted Position of Bishop should come with all the trappings appropriate to such High Office.

Great question, Stacy. You know, I already live in a super cool rectory, which came as a gift from Dr. & Mizz Argot, so it would be really a question of whether the Bishop's mansion was better or worse than the rectory I have now. I mean, if I was Bishop, I could pretty much choose whether or not to live in the SOV2 rectory or not. As for the cardboard box thing, I think it would be wrong to interfere with the vocational solidarity of those people who are already showing a preferential option for the poor by co-opting their pre-existing communion with the homeless.

What year was the Council of Trent concluded?

That's a weird question. I think it was 1930.

1563. Fr. Plarvik never was any good at Ecclesial History.

I'm not Catholic, but if I wanted to be a priest, why couldn't I be one?

BLASPHEMOUS WENCH! Do you not know that God Himself has forbid the weaker sex from entering the Holy Order of the Priesthood? For in the Epistle to the Corinthians, it is written: "Let women keep silence in the churches for it is not permitted them to speak but to be subject, as also the law saith."

Great question, Stacy. You know, lots of "Catholic" womyn ask themselves that all the time. And you know what? That's a good question. When I'm Bishop, I'm going to put a stop to sexism and racism in choosing priests. One of my first actions will be to ordain a whole bunch of womynpriests so that our diocese can be served by the divine feminine.

Aren't all Catholics idol worshippers? What's with the statues?

No no no.... Stacy, Stacy, Stacy... you're caught up in a pre-vatican II mentality about Catholics. Vatican II did away with all that stuff. Did you know that there's not a single statue in our faith community that is recognizable as what it is supposed to be? We've got a lot of free-form art and stuff, which is our way of breaking with the pre-Vatican II tradition of worshipping idols.

Only an iconoclastic heathen would ask such an absurd question! Statues, especially if weeping or buried upside down, are efficacious in receiving favors from God. We do not "worship" them.

Don't Catholics pray to Mary?

Catholics pray to Mary because she is the Mediatrix of all Graces. Her Mercy stays the Vengeful Hand of her Son.

Well - yeah, I guess some catholics do that, but that's only because the oligarchical heirarchy of the Vatican had to defuse the proper anger of peoples who realized that the divine feminine was being co-opted by a patriarchical cabal of misogynists. When people realize that it's all about mother nature, and Gaia and whatnot, then they don't need to have Mary anymore. Get it? Not that Mary isn't all right, but she was a little too obedient, at least in the "mainstream" gospel accounts. There are some really good historo-critical exegetes who show that Mary was really a countercultural freedom fighter, a sort of gorilla-warfare expert. Which is cool.

Who was UT's quarterback when the Vols defeated Miami in the Sugar Bowl?

Does this have something to do with rugby?

Was it Pat Summit?

Do you feel like in today's troubled world it is desirable to recapture a pre-Chalcedonian soteriology centered around the Monophysite Christological theorum, or would doing so risk a return to Nestorianism?


As many SSLI seminarians can relate, those who do not embrace Chalcedon are dealt with most severely during formation; Fr. Heidrich still has the scars. Only those who accept the authority of Antipope Hilarius or any post-Vatican II pontiff are disciplined more harshly. So the answer is no, pre-Chalcedonian soteriology is right out. Rather I would recommend the writings of Cornelius Jansen as the foundation for a soteriological model.

You do know that the Bishop of Knoxville doesn't get elected, don't you? My research indicates that Bishops get appointed by the Pope. What is your view on this issue?

Quoting from the Catechism of the FSSLI, written by Fr. Chadwick LeJanvier, SSLI:

"Under normal circumstances, Bishops are appointed by the Pope. However Pope Benedict has succumbed to the evils of Vatican II. This heresy makes the Pope incapable of choosing an appropriate bishop for the Diocese of Knoxville. THE GATES OF HELL SHALL NOT PREVAIL AGAINST THE CHURCH! A Bishop must exist in order to continue the True Tradition of the Church unto the End of Time. This presents an extraordinary situation in which Bishops may be elected. Therefore it is the DUTY of all Truly Traditional Catholics to continue the Sacred Mission of the Church by electing moi, Fr. Chadwick LeJanvier, your Bishop."

You know, the people at the Diocese office keep saying that the Bishop gets appointed, but I know that's part of their conspiracy to keep me & Fr. Chad from running. I mean... come on! This is a democracy.

Fr. Plarvik - public records show that your parish has experienced two riots, a meth-lab explosion, several people disappearing, seventy-two civil lawsuits, and is currently providing sanctuary to 1,560 illegal immigrants. Not to mention that it is reported to be under investigation by the TBI, FBI, and Homeland Security. If you were Bishop, is this the kind of activity we would expect to get to cover as journalists?

Well, Stacy, I have to say that if I get to be Bishop, a lot of that stuff would have to stop, because it's one thing for the community to reach out and try to put down an "upstart" faith community that doesn't have the protection of the dioceses, and it's another thing to try to put obstacles in the way of a Bishop. I mean, do you really think these rednecks around here would mess with me if I was bishop? No way. And those folks at TBI, FBI and whatever would have to just shut up, because I'd be calling the shots. So basically, yes and no, because alot of the things we do at SOV2 would get to be done over all of Knoxville, like sheltering undocumented migrant workers, and having a preferential option for the poor. Plus, when I'm Bishop, I'm going to shut down the Oak Ridge Nuclear Weapons plant once and for all.

Fr. Chad - your parish has proved to be a downtown eyesore and nuisance. You've been cited on numerous occasions for your constant processions blocking traffic, and the manure left behind by the horse-drawn carts left in front of your parish has cost the city considerable expense. Your parishioners are well known for accosting people who frequent alternative lifestyle clubs. Do you think you could really represent Knoxville as Bishop?

Those who complain of our chapel (which will be promoted to cathedral when I become Bishop) lack sorely in vision. The great churches of Europe often took over a century to build, and the designs drafted for St. Leo the Great rival even those in splendour. Our processions are done for the Greater Glory of God, who transcends all traffic signals. The carriages are our rebellion against the machinations of modern society that threaten the family and the truths of faith with so-called "science." Long carriage rides promote family bonding and a sustainable environment. I would think you tree-worshipers would show some appreciation of that. As for our treatment of the Sodomites, we follow the Truly Traditional proscriptions as found in the Book of Leviticus and articulated brilliantly by that Man of God: Stephen Colbert.

If you got to be Bishop of Knoxville, and a little while later they wanted you to be a cardinal, would you accept?

If It means that I can give more of myself, then I'd have to say yes.

It would assuredly bring us one step closer to eventual reunification with Rome.

I'd like to thank you both for being here tonight, and I wish you both a lot of luck in your campaigns to be Bishop. With the nonexistant election only days away, I know you will both be busy, but thank you again for taking part in this debate. Good night.


Anonymous said...

Thank you, Anastasia.
That was priceless.
Every word will go into our files.

Agent Jones

H. Robert Williams said...

Congratulations Dym Tim on your clear and eloquent victory over radical traditionalism! You have my vote!

It reminds me of one of my favorite movies "Mass Appeal" with Jack Lemon. It was wonderful.

Catherine Nolan said...

Wow, Fr. Tim, isn't it a bit scary to go up against people like that?

Anonymous said...

You gotta be kidding!
This is a joke from Saturday Night Live, right?