Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Pre Canaanite Compatibility Test

Hey Ché, I keep forgetting about this Pre-Canaanite test that the Vatican wants us to start doing. Actually, we're about to sign up for a test that is administered by the Oregon Catholic Press, so you're the last person to have to go through this with our SOV2 test. Since I already know you really well, you just have to get Kerry to take the test and send us the results so that we can tell you if you're allowed to get hitched. So here's our test:

Section 1. Beliefs:
  1. Many peoples believe there's some sort of supernatural spirit that runs things. Circle the one you most agree with:
  • I believe in God - he has a white beard and is a male
  • I believe in the Spirit
  • I believe in one Darwin, the discoverer of Truth, the finder of Evolution. I believe in one Dawkins, only son of the Darwin, eternally begotten of the meme. I believe in the Hitchens, who proceeds from the Darwin and the Dawkins. With the Darwin and the Dawkins he is worshiped and glorified.
  • I don't believe in anything
  • I don't believe in anything except that whatever you believe is wrong
Section 2. Values:

  1. We live in a pluralistic world with many cultures and valid life choices. Circle the statements that you agree with, and cross a line through those you disagree with:
  • Everybody's got to do their own thing
  • People have to do what I tell them to do
  • Womyn have the right to terminated unwanted pregnancies
  • Men should be able to tell Women what to do with their bodies
  • This country would be better off run by Womyn
  • A Woman's place is in the home
  • Children should be raised by the civil authorities, if at all
  • I want my children to refuse medical treatment and die
  • It is fun to have lots of anonymous sexual partners
  • You go to hell if you have sex
  • Same-sex attraction should be encouraged
  • I want to kill all queers
Section 3. Faith:
  1. We live in a pluralistic world with many faiths and valid faith choices. Circle the statements that you agree with, and cross a line through those you disagree with:
  • The Catholic Church is an evil oligarchical patriarchical institution of oppression
  • If you're not Catholic, you're going to hell
  • I want my children to be altar boys/girls
  • The only good thing about my kids being altar servers is that they would get a chance to validly explore their sexuality with a Womynpriest
  • I believe in transubstantiation (the thing about body & blood & bread & wine)
  • I'm partial to crackers and grape juice served in clay goblets made by 3rd graders
  • A church building should look like a church, steeple & all!
  • Any liturgical interior is equally valid. What's important is a comfortable and welcoming community center.
  • I will force my family to wear suits and dresses to mass
  • I once attended mass in a "Free-Tibet" thong

3 comments:

Syblyng Madison said...

Dym Tim, this test is a tad "Cathlocentric", don't you think? I mean, I tried to go through it with BD, and I was amazed at how exclusive it is of other faith traditions! BD could barely answer any of the questions. It turns out he is a member of the Freebird Church of the Three Steps to Sweet Home in Yahweh-Jehovah-God in Christ With Signs Following; and the test does not address the handling of snakes, fire, or ingestion of poison. It also does not acknowledge the use of unknown tongues; BD says that his cousin, Jerrylee Doolittle Jones, who is the lead celebrant of this faith community (BD calls him the "preacher", which I think is wonderfully folk-tradition), speaks five separate unknown tongues! Oh---BD says Jerrylee would be happy to let SOV2 use their worship space until the parking lot issues are resolved, but as they worship in Room 4 of the Airways Motel in Nashville, it might be a bit of a distance for us all to go....

Larssen the Younger said...

Look, we'll give you back your damned parking lot if you give us back my Brother Nils. We know you've got him because he can't go far without his feet.

You can even keep the pigs, the tent and Sr. Dawn.

Especially Sr. Dawn--that long grey skirt and scarf get up is making the girls get ideas.

a sometimes parishioner said...

Who is Sr. Dawn? What has happened to the links to the staff bios? Where can we park for liturgy tomorrow?

This place is in need of serious help. It seems like since the gorbortenes came, it's general mayham. Or was it Sr. Fairah leaving?

Who's who?