Enough is Enough

I have put not said anything about how I felt about this parish because most of the people were under investigation. But I need to say this now:
You people are crazy--voting for Bishops, ordaining trees, allowing migrant workers and homicidal Palestinians to take over the parking lots, mind-control berets, rockets pointing down at the parish. When I begin with the arrests, I think that the people of Knoxville will feel a lot safer. I think that after the bonfire, it will finally be time to reveal the results of my wiretapping and investigations. I have enough information to arrest several key figures from the SOV2 parish now... More on this later.

Agent Smith

Note to Fr. Tim

Someone from the INS came to me today and wanted to ask questions about the people in the parking lot. Apparently when they first heard about all of the migrants on the SOV2 grounds, they reported this to their superior, and they finally got through with all the opening paperwork for the case yesterday--now they are ready to move on the subjects in the parking lot. They want to talk to you tonight.

Agent Smith

Public Service

Curt Kane has been spotted in Knoxville! Please call my office immediately if you see him.

Agent Smith

Limited Manpower, But...

My men are spread pretty thin due to the numerous happenings throughout the Knoxville area, but I need to open another investigation now. It seems that the Borgias from the SSLI parish--some of you may remember them from the big picnic--are not who they say they are. My office has been charged with investigating them on many counts--though I cannot discuss what the charges are at this point. I apologize to Fr. Chad, because I know that they have been funding his parish building project, but I may have to suspend those funds soon.

Agent Smith

Liquid Hydrogen!

I must investigate this... That stuff is dangerous and can explode if handled improperly.

Whoever thought of having liquid hydrogen brought in can face some serious jail time and fines.

Agent Smith

Hard to Believe, but...

It seems pretty unlikely, but I must admit that H. Robert (or is it Peevee--I'm not too sure about that) and I are now working together. He really wants to try to stop Che (or C-L as he goes by now). We are using only Macintosh, Linux and pre-Windows Vista computers in an attempt to find a way to recreate the off switch for his former doomsday plan. My men are canvassing the city now, collecting any berets they can find in order to burn them. Father Tim has said that we can add them to the bonfire he is making for Easter. I caution all residents to turn in any berets that they find so that we can stop the threat of Endology once and for all.

Agent Smith

Curt Kane Sighting

Curt Kane was just sighted a day ago in Lexington, Kentucky, driving south on I75. Presumably, he is still headed towards Knoxville. If you see him please contact our office immediately. DO NOT attempt to make contact with him. He is a dangerous fugitive.

Agent Smith

P.S. I have another public service announcement. DO NOT buy any berets in Knoxville. Our federal lab in Oak Ridge has been studying one recently taken from a disciple of Endology and has found some electrodes embedded in the fibers. I am not at liberty to discuss exactly what these electrodes will do at this point--research is ongoing.

Note to Dr. al Fakkir

Dr. al-Fakkir--this is what is going to happen if you don't listen to me and turn over the stash of weapons to my agents. People will be scared of you and your Palestinian friends in the parking lot, and will retaliate in whatever way they see fit. You wouldn't want to see this happen at SOV2, would you?

Agent Smith

Federal Agents Investigating Fire at Tennessee Mosque That Appears to be Arson

Sunday, February 10, 2008

COLUMBIA, Tenn. — A mosque was destroyed Saturday by a fire that federal investigators say appears to have been caused by arson. No one was injured.

Investigators found drawings of swastikas and other graffiti at the Islamic Center of Columbia, said Special Agent Eric Kehn of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives.

Daoud Abudiab, president of the center, said authorities told him the fire probably started around 5 a.m. The graffiti included the words "white power" and "we run the world," Abudiab said.

"We have not had any trouble," he said. "This is the first incident."

Ten to 15 people regularly worshipped at the mosque, which opened in 2000. Abudiab said they plan to look for another place to worship in Columbia, about 50 miles south of Nashville.

"This has been home for us -- Middle Tennessee and Columbia -- since 1998, and people have been supportive and friendly and welcoming," he said. "Obviously, we are concerned, but it hasn't really sunk in yet."

Curt Kane Alert

I just got a very credible alert from one of my sources that the man who calls himself Curt Kane and has masqueraded as a priest is on his way to Knoxville. He may be here around Easter time. I would presume that he may be trying to meet up with Dr. al-Fakkir or the Palestinian refugees in the parking lot to try to build up another army.

Please, if you see him, do not attempt to make contact. He is considered armed and very dangerous--call me at my office immediately.

Agent Smith

Re: Meme

Book: The Hunt for Red October (I do love a good spy novel)

Page 123, fifth sentence: The stewards came to attention before leaving.

Next three sentences: "Okay, let's get down to business." Ryan gulped down half a sandwich. "Admiral, this information is only twenty hours old."

Tagged: H. Robert, Agent Jones, L, Fr. Juno, and Nils Larssen

Investigations

I am now investigating, in addition to my ongoing investigation of Dr. al-Fakkir, the strange problems now occurring with all computer transmissions in the Knoxville area. They seem to tie back to a file called "hrobert_backup.exe" I am currently tracing the source... which seems to tie to a certain personage, formerly of SOV2, now running a new church (and company) in the area. This personage will remain unnamed for now.

Agent Smith

Yesterday's Raid

The Knoxville police tried to move in on Dr. Al-Fakkir's weapon stash yesterday. They were following an anonymous tip. I tried to warn them that they were making a mistake, but they told me not to interfere with their police investigation.

They busted down the door and raided one of the safe houses of Fakkir, but it ended up being a huge embarrassment for the KPD. All they found was a Swiss Army knife and a couple maps of the city of Knoxville. (They missed several hints that my men found later too.)

The good news is that the Bureau of Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms is kinda tied up at the moment, so their local head asked me to take over the investigation. So I guess this is a warning
to Fakkir--I'm going to find that stash... My men are now processing hundreds of pieces of information that we have already gathered. We will catch you!

Agent Smith

Really Irritated

I am very annoyed right now with the OCP presence here. They seem to be unnaturally happy, but at the same time controlling and just a general nuisance. The last time I saw people like these OCP followers was during my investigation of the Heaven's Gate cult. I almost expect them to break out the spiked Kool-Aid at any time.

Today I was monitoring the service from my usual vantage point to watch for signs of a disturbance. One of them had the nerve to try to tell me what to do. He said that I should have been following along in the OCP approved book and singing the songs with the rest of the crowd. I flashed my badge, and he got frightened and backed away.

Father Tim: You'd better tell those OCP'rs to steer clear of me before I decide to arrest them on the charge of interfering with a Federal investigation.

Agent Smith

To the Gorebertines

I was just informed by the Park Rangers from one of the State Parks (I will keep the location quiet if you wish), that they found a strange-looking grove of trees in one of their trips up the mountain. In the center of the group of trees was one tree that had a roman collar tied around it. They thought it was a funny joke, so they left it up, but they would appreciate it if in the future you talked to them before having large ceremonies up on the mountain.

Agent Smith

Back from DC

Hey all!

I just got back from DC and got situated back in my office last night. Agent Jones gave me a full briefing of everything that happened while I was away. Just a reminder to Dr. al-Fakkir: It is not legal to possess C-4 or the automatic weapons that you were attempting to purchase recently.

Agent Smith

Arrests!

Seasons Greetings! (The government does not permit me to use the "C" word because it might offend some people)

I finally got the go-ahead from my superiors to make some arrests with the growing tensions at SOV2--today I arrested some of the most violent demonstrators from the remaining groups in the parking lots. Dr. al-Fakkir was not too happy when I arrested the Palestinian ringleader, but he seemed to be more cooperative when I arrested one of the rationalists and one of the Mexican demonstrators too (Actually the most violent was the rationalist demonstrator). I have told the remaining members that they can remain where they are as long as they don't get violent.

There will be some follow-up paperwork, however; don't be alarmed if teams of agents come around to interview the witnesses about what happened during the rioting stage.

Agent Smith

P.S. Agent Jones, I would like you to keep an eye on the parking lot--I need to make a report to the top brass in DC and I leave tomorrow.

Update...

I talked to the Knoxville police yesterday--they don't want to come anywhere near the grounds of SOV2. The chief said that they get about 30-50 calls to dispatch daily complaining about this community--a note to the neighbors: there wont be any arrests for disturbing of the peace; at least not yet. My superiors have not given me permission yet to move in and break up the situation, so things will stand as they are for the time being.

Agent Smith

Sideline Warning!

This is for the groups located in the parking lots now--I am giving you a warning. Stop the rioting before something bad happens.

Agent Smith

Noise!

I fell asleep in my office last night after finishing up on some paperwork, and I was having this great dream--I was in on the arrest of the century; we had done all the legwork and were about to bust through the door and make the arrest, when I woke up to the sound of an awful racket. I looked out my window facing the parking lot at the SOV2 community, and there were two groups trying to "outsing" each other. Some were dressed in loincloth and chanting very loudly. They had some rough looking tents up--maybe made of some kind of leather, and they were dancing around a roasted deer over a campfire. The second group was standing at the edge of some barrier that was set up and singing some of Fr. Tim's favorite songs. I went out to the barrier and asked someone who they were, and they answered that they were the "Oh sea pea."

I also spotted Dr. al-Fakkir behind the barrier, but I don't think that he was singing at all--just staring at the dancers.

Agent Smith

Funny Conspiracy Theory...

Che told me this great conspiracy theory today that he heard in an environmental meeting that he had on one of their island stops. (I hope you didn't really believe it, Che--I kinda saw you look a little upset when I laughed, but I thought that maybe is was because you hadn't gotten to the punchline yet). Apparently some people believe that the US is purposely melting the icecaps with global warming so that they can track Santa more easily.