Spirit of Vatican 2 "Catholic" Faith Community

In need of spiritual director

2011-01-03T18:01:00.001-05:00

Friends,

As you may have heard I was recently granted a special position at the University of Tennessee in the Department of Religious Studies as part of Villanoce College "Shared-Experiences" program. Seeing as I have been promised a grant from the federal government to start a community action program as part of the "Fresh-Air" inititative, I was hoping to see if we could reformulate a more progressive church community.

As such, I would like to set aside a portion of the grant to pay for a new Spiritual Director. If you are interested or know someone who is interested, please don't hesitate to call me.

Here are a list of some of the requirements:

1. Must be able to secure funding from Government Organizations such as HUD, NEA, DOE

2. Must be able and willing to dialog with other community activists and leaders

3. Must be able to work with and earn respect of other community activists and leaders

4. Must be able to present evidence of experience administering a preferential option for the poor and disenfranchised in the community

Sincerely,

H. Robert Williams

Hey! The last banned 'blog.

2010-07-10T00:36:00.003-05:00

Hey everybody! I came across this horrendous "blog" while I was "surfing" the internet. Stay away from it! There's homophobia and progressophobia and Obamaphobia and definitely phariseeism. I'll add it to the banned "blog" list later, but for now here's the link to stay away from:

www.littlecatholicbubble.blogspot.com

Little Catholic Bubble: PH, R, O, IT, NLU

Facebook

2010-04-12T23:54:00.001-05:00

Hey everybody,

Just thought I'd let you know that I'm doing great and have made a lot of new friends on Facebook. See you there!

Peace out!

Help with Questionair

2008-11-14T08:06:00.003-05:00

Hey!

I am filling out the questionair for the Obama Cabinet positions and I think I need a little help.

http://i2.cdn.turner.com/cnn/2008/images/11/13/obamaquestionnaire.pdf.pdf

Okay. Here's what I have for question 1:

Resume's in the last ten years:

(B_____) "Che'" Lovell

(I crossed out my real first name because basically I don't want people to use it anymore)

1401 Old Weisgarber Rd

Knoxville, TN 37909

(That was from before I got my new address in jail)

Education

University of Tennessee, Knoxville
Undeclared

Took some classes and things mostly in liebral arts
B+ average in classes I liked
Dated a junior in Political Science

West Highschool

Graduated in the top half of my class
Nominated for top 5th year senior
Member of Environment Club

Political Experience
Knoxville Green Fist Action
Assistant to Neighborhood Coordinator, 1992-1993
Best Young Agitator Award, 1992
Community Organizer, 1993-1994

East Tennessee Rationalists
Junior Member
3rd place Most Interesting Essay, 1994

Knoxville J-C's
Halloween Booth Captain
We won the scariest halloween display contest for three years in a row. I was in charge of background scenery and I was given a limited budget of only 47$ and what I did was buy two cans of paint one read and one black and I painted all these wooden plywood boards all black and then I put red stripes on them, and I actually only spent $25 and so Keith and I spent $10 on lunch and we gave back $10 and they spent it on extra spaghetti for the fake lobotomy display.

(I have a lot more political experience now, but I haven't updated my resume)

Business Experience
Che's Beret's, CEO
This didn't work out so well, but I did sell a couple of berets to this girl I knew named Daphilia Jones and she said that she really liked them and that I should make more, but then she moved to California and I lost her address.

Fallafel Hut
Humous grinder
I wasn't fired.

Skills and Certifications
None

Hobbies
Writing poetry and stuff
Hanging out with my friend's at Toddy's
Playstation

You know this resume was before I got my facebook page and stuff, so I should probably use that one instead.
Che'

Hey! I'm in Therapy!

2008-11-11T06:54:00.005-05:00

Hey Everybody!

Sorry I haven't been in touch for a while. Basically I've been in jail. Anyway, jail is a lot cooler than I thought because they have a lot of classes I can take and stuff. Like I am taking interior design which is going to help me really focus on doing stuff for whatever church I am going to join when I get out.

Also you would not believe how many Barack Obama supporters there are in jail. I mean, practically everybody except the people who were for Ralph Nader. My mom was for Ralph Nader but I said to her that Obama is ten times better than Ralph Nader because Obama knows all about Liberation Theology which I am really big on.

Anyway I was going to say that another really cool thing about jail is I get free therapy. I have this doctor named Frank Peckscott. I am supposed to call him Frank. Anyway, he said I was suffering from guilt. He said that guilt is caused by my parents yelling at me when I was a kid. He said that when parents yell at kids they get low self-esteem and so what I have is low self-esteem and so I should work on feeling better about myself.

Frank told me that if I feel people have been hurt me or something what I need to do is get IN THEIR FACE and tell them that they BETTER APOLOGIZE RIGHT NOW! So. I haven't seen Father Tim for a while but if I do, I am going to get in his FACE right away. Also the person I really think should apologize right away is TODD TURK. And also I think H. Robert Williams owes me big time.

Now that Barack Obama is president (YES!) I am really thinking my self-esteem is going to be a lot better.

SOV2 Rises Again

2008-08-31T07:29:00.003-05:00

Hello... I haven't spoken in some time but I wanted to let you know that Fr. Tim is well and he is now an adviser on the building committee for St. Albert the Great parish.

The Remains of SOV2

2008-03-24T19:48:00.001-05:00

Oh What a Tangled Web We Weave

2008-03-21T11:07:00.000-05:00

Some of you may be wondering what happened last night with the explosion and all. Once the bonfire was lit, massive fighting erupted from the Palestinians in the parking lot. They managed to cause the fire to spread--igniting the aspen trees that were meant to become priests, which in turn ignited the SOV2 building. Che had already started the countdown on the rocket, but the fire caused it to malfunction and detonate early, and the explosion from that caused the liquid hydrogen to erupt. Dr. Fakkir's ammo supplies and Keith's drugs were just fuel for the fire. So SOV2 is no more.

Miraculously, some of the parishoners were unharmed by the explosion--here is what happened to them:

Che Lovell--with the help of PeeVee, I was able to remove the beret (now I know why our tech calls are sent to Pakistan). I convinced the judge that without the beret Che was harmless. He was sentenced to 6 months in jail and 5 years of community service.
With the help of PeeVee/H Robert, I was able to upload a virus into the Vista OS which caused it to crash and wipe out the Vista version of H Robert and the files on HRI
Fr. Tim--was going to be arrested for various crimes, but he had some useful information, which he used to stay out of jail and be placed in protective custody... I cannot divulge his location now.
Dr. al-Fakkir--most of the Palestinians were killed in the explosion, Dr. Fakkir and the remaining troops were taken by Homeland Security and sent to Guantanamo Bay, Cuba
Keith--was arrested for illegal drugs. He will be serving time as Che's cellmate.
H Robert/PeeVee--took a post at one of the leading Universities in India. The two personalities are still clashing--should make for some interesting lectures.
Curt Kane--and the Brothers of Love were all arrested. He will be serving time on federal charges.
INS rounded up the migrants in the parking lot, and they are being sent back to their countries of origin.
The Sybs--were found to be no threat, although Syb Bob will serve some time on drug charges
The Native Americans in the parking lot decided that they had had enough and were moving back to their reservation
The Borgias from SSLI--were arrested for tax evasion. We were sure that there were other crimes committed, but nothing else would stick.
The Truly True Knights were arrested and disbanded--several gruesome murders were discovered.
The SSLI church was destroyed from an aftershock of the explosion at SOV2

Hello?

2008-03-20T20:26:00.002-05:00

Hello... some friends of mine who attend St. Albert the Great said that they saw a large flash of light and heard a loud noise near the Spirit of Vatican II church. I am checking with you to see if you are OK. Happy Easter!

ALL IS FULFILLED

2008-03-20T17:27:00.003-05:00

Hey! Now is the hour of our Triumph! In the setting sun of the dawn of a new day, we the Faith Community of Spirit of Vatican II hereby usher in a new morning of Catholic Ecumenical Spiritualism! All is prepared - nothing can stop us now from fulfilling the destiny of Vatican II. Let us bravely march forward, beginning tonight at the Vernal Equinox and Foot Washing Feast of the Election of Tim Plarvik!

The liturgical dance competition begins in 1/2 hour. The vernal bonfire lighting is only 1 1/2 hours away. See you there!

Peace out... no... wait a second....

PEACE IN!

Enough is Enough

2008-03-20T07:28:00.002-05:00

I have put not said anything about how I felt about this parish because most of the people were under investigation. But I need to say this now:
You people are crazy--voting for Bishops, ordaining trees, allowing migrant workers and homicidal Palestinians to take over the parking lots, mind-control berets, rockets pointing down at the parish. When I begin with the arrests, I think that the people of Knoxville will feel a lot safer. I think that after the bonfire, it will finally be time to reveal the results of my wiretapping and investigations. I have enough information to arrest several key figures from the SOV2 parish now... More on this later.

Agent Smith

Hey! I'm the Bishop!

2008-03-20T06:08:00.002-05:00

Hey everybody! I've been up all night thinking about how cool it is that I'm the Bishop of Knoxville. So let's get started right away. With my new power as Bishop, I officially declare the following people to be saints:

Rob Lowe: Patron Saint of Video Production
Phil Donohue: Patron Saint of People Who Ask Questions
Martin Sheen: Patron Saint of Ohio
Charles Curran: Patron Saint of People Who Answer Questions
Richard McBrien: Patron Saint of Condom Manufacturers
Andrew Sullivan: Patron Saint of Gay Nightclub Owners
Joseph O'Leary: Patron Saint of Circus Novelty Vendors
Stacy McCloud: Patron Saint of Knoxville
Dorothy Day: Patron Saint of the Appalachian Regions
Doris Day: Patron Saint of 1950's Movies
Albert Gore, Jr.: Patron Saint of Hot-Air Balloonists
Dr. Argot's cousin Ricky Argot: Patron Saint of Collection-Basket Weavers

Also, I declare today to be "The Feast of the Election of Tim Plarvik", and anyone who comes to SOV2 or makes an internet donation will receive 14 carbon offsets.

Now let's get out there and wash some feet!

Peace out!

VICTORY!

2008-03-19T20:54:00.002-05:00

HEY! WELL, THE LAST POLLS HAVE CLOSED AT THE MELLOW MUSHROOM CAFE, AND WITH 75% OF THE PRECINCTS REPORTING, WE HAVE A LANDSLIDE VICTORY IN THE CAMPAIGN TO MAKE ME THE NEW BISHOP OF KNOXVILLE.

HEY! I'M THE BISHOP!

Wow! I'm really overwhelmed by all of your support and all of the great stuff that you all did to help me become Bishop. Those yard signs, bumperstickers, and other things really must have done the trick. Plus, the opposition just wasn't able to get their demographic to respond. It really hurt the "official" candidates that up until the last minute, the diocese kept insisting that there wasn't an election underway.

So now what? You've voted for change, and you've got it. My first order of business is to bring healing to the divisiveness that has characterized this election and all of the other Bishop stuff. I'm going to bring healing by bringing people together, ending exclusion.

My first act as Bishop will be to cancel all of the Latin masses in Knoxville. You said "No!" to the Motu when you voted for Tim Plarvik. My second act as Bishop will be to preside over the ordination of thirty seven new womynpriests, plus one hundred and forty three aspen trees tomorrow at SOV2.

I'm really excited about tomorrow's feast of the Vernal Equinox and Foot-Washing Ceremony. After the ordination, me and all of the new womynpriests are going to lead the foot-washing - this year everybody will be washing everybody else's feet - just the way that it happened at the Last Supper.

I'm so excited that everyone will be here tomorrow. My good friend Fr. Curt Kane will be here, as well Dr. Al-Fakkir, Peevee Rajendajendan, Mother Maryann McGronk, Ché, Todd, Clyde, Ngyuen, Britnee, Syb Bob & Syb Madison - basically everybody but Fr. Juno and H. Robert. Don't forget to bring your epson salts for the foot washing.

Have a super night, and PEACE OUT!

Peace Upon You

2008-03-19T19:49:00.002-05:00

Hello. Peace be upon your houses. I congratulate you in the name of peace and supplication on your upcoming pagan festival which will bathe you in blood and wash clean the stink of semitic uproariousness. If the fleas of the dogs of your rotten capitalist zion empire are not found to be in the the building that you call a church, then I will be mistaken. Many of my cousins in the struggle will join me and reject the futile barbarism of your western ways of the pig. Peace be upon your house.

Hello Once Again

2008-03-19T19:43:00.002-05:00

Greetings to all of you at SOV2. It is I, Fr. Curt Kane, and I have returned. It is a pleasure to be here in Knoxville again, and I'm sure you will be most pleased to know that I and the Brothers of Love will be in attendance at tomorrow's celebration of the Equinox. In the name of Gaia, let us open ourselves up to sacrificial giving and make a love offering of our selves, our time, and mostly our treasure. The Brothers and I will be taking up a special collection for the poor of Appalachia tomorrow, so please bring your checkbooks and jewelry to SOV2.

Also, while driving into Knoxville, we saw an itinerant vagrant person wandering on I-40 who looked vaguely familiar. When we stopped the caravan, we found that it was Todd Turk. Todd is now traveling with us and will be at SOV2 tomorrow as well.

Until tomorrow,

I remain,

Fr. Curt Kane

Note to Fr. Tim

2008-03-19T16:54:00.002-05:00

Someone from the INS came to me today and wanted to ask questions about the people in the parking lot. Apparently when they first heard about all of the migrants on the SOV2 grounds, they reported this to their superior, and they finally got through with all the opening paperwork for the case yesterday--now they are ready to move on the subjects in the parking lot. They want to talk to you tonight.

Agent Smith

Public Service

2008-03-19T07:03:00.001-05:00

Curt Kane has been spotted in Knoxville! Please call my office immediately if you see him.

Agent Smith

Vernal Equinox Schedule

2008-03-18T20:59:00.004-05:00

Sisters and Brothers.

Here is the schedule for the festivities for March 20th. As you can see it will be a busy and joyous day!

6:00 AM, Morning sunrise salute to the sun (gather at 5:30 AM for donuts and coffee)
6:30 AM, Special talk on Eastern Religious Meditation practices by PeeVee
8:00 AM, Service of Regret for crimes against the Earth and Indigenous Peoples, ashes will be distributed for you to throw at republicans to show that they should be ashamed of themselves
9:00 AM, dedication of new John F. Kennedy Faith Formation Wing with Phil Donahue
10:00 AM, Symposium begins with demonstration of adaptation of Table of Plenty arranged for nontraditional instruments
11:00 AM, Social Justice committee talk on importance of consolidating labor union with government
12:00 PM, Mass of Joy, clowns and balloons with Liturgy of Communion of Unity (Special organic rice cakes and fermented coca plants instead of traditional species)
1:00 PM, Meal of Solidarity with indigenous people and migrant laborers on SOV2 grounds - (V.I.P. meet in rectory)
2:00 PM, Drawing of names for new pastoral council
3:00 PM, Presentation of Lifetime Achievement award to Robert Mapplethorpe
4:00 PM, Special Town hall meeting - codifying dietary practices in modern faith communities
5:00 PM, First annual Spirit of Vatican 2 liturgical dance competition
6:00 PM, Mass of Tomorrow - celebrating a future full of possibilities and progress
7:00 PM, Lighting of the Vernal Bonfire

H. Robert Williams

P.S.: Please avoid walking directly under the rocket perched above the gathering space as large chunks of ice have been falling off it in recent days especially since the sudden departure of the liquid hydrogen tankers.

Get out the Vote!

2008-03-18T16:58:00.003-05:00

Hey! Just a reminder that it's your turn to make your voice heard in the big election of the Bishop of Knoxville. Don't forget to go to the polling places tomorrow and cast your ballot for me, Tim Plarvik. In case you missed the flyers, pamphlets, and direct mailings, as a reminder, there are two places you can vote: one is the Weigel's at the intersection of Dry Gap and Cunningham, and the other is the Mellow Mushroom Cafe in Market Square.

Peace out!

Transcript of First Bishop of Knoxville Debate

2008-03-16T20:42:00.007-05:00

Disclaimer: The real Stacy McCloud has nothing to do with this debate. All references to Stacy McCloud are only here because, well, she's the hottest "media personality" in Knoxville. If Fr. Chad or Dym Tim Plarvik existed, they would never be able to get Stacy McCloud to moderate their debate.

Hi everybody, and welcome to the first ever debate between candidates to become the Bishop of Knoxville. I'm Stacy McCloud, and I'm very pleased to be able to be the host and moderator of this debate. I'd also like to thank the generous people of the Western Avenue Shoney's for hosting this debate. As a reminder, both of our candidates, Dym Tim Plarvik of Spirit of Vatican II, and Fr. Chad LeJanvier of the Society of St. Leo I, will have a chance to answer each question. There will be no interruptions permitted, and at Dym Plarvik's request, neither candidate is allowed to leave their podium. And now, without further ado, let's begin the debate. My first question goes to Dym Plarvik. Why do you want to be Bishop of Knoxville?

Hi Stacy. It's great to be here, and it's particularly nice to meet you. Thanks so much for agreeing to moderate this event. When I think about why I want to be Bishop, I can't help but think about when I was a little boy and I had my first puppy. He was a little Cocker Spaniel named "Chartwell." I think a diocese is a lot like a puppy, and just as I had to learn as a little boy how to raise a Cocker Spaniel, so I think that now that I'm grown up, I should get to be a bishop. Plus, I'd be a much better Bishop than our former Bishop or any of the other candidates.

When I first started seminary, the changes brought about by Vatican II were taking full effect. High altars were ripped apart, Latin was banished, and Tabernacles were replaced by "prayer labyrinths". I knew the powers of darkness had taken hold in the Church and that I was called to turn back the tide, despite numerous vocation directors' protestations to the contrary. Once again, I have received this call. God Himself wills that I be Bishop.

If you were Bishop of Knoxville, what would you do to help the waterfront development project?

We tend not to get involved on these so-called "social justice" issues. Though if Vincenzo were still around he might, in his words, "take care of it."

Great question, Stacy. I think it's wrong for a city not to develop its waterfront. Unless that development comes at the price of being environmentally unconscious. I mean, hey! We've all got to live on the same earth here. That's why I count myself as an Earthfriend. If I get to be Bishop, and someone came around saying "hey! let's develop the waterfront, but we're going to have to kill a bunch of tuna" then I would be solidly opposed to that. But if someone said "hey! let's have an ecologically friendly waterfront in the spirit of Rachel Carson" then I'd say "hey! cool!" and we'd be fine with that.

If you were Bishop of Knoxville, would you wear the funny hat, or dress normally?

I would definitely wear the hat - not out of respect for some crazy tradition, but because it's a way of proclaiming to the world - hey! I'm a Bishop! But when I wasn't on the job, I'd just dress normally - sweatpants & Birkenstocks - I gotta be me!

First of all, IT'S CALLED A MITRE! And of course I would wear it, it is part of the Traditional rubrics. Perhaps in the Novus Ordo this has been relegated to some sort of "option," I do not know as I refuse to have anything to do with such things. I will, however, ensure my mitre be the tallest worn in the Americas.

I will also bring about the return of the fiddleback, biretta, rochet, episcopal gloves, cappa magna, and so forth.

The Bishop of Knoxville gets to live in a mansion, while many people in Knoxville have to live in cardboard boxes or trailers. If you were Bishop of Knoxville, would you keep living in the mansion, or would you move into a cardboard box?

I believe that the Exulted Position of Bishop should come with all the trappings appropriate to such High Office.

Great question, Stacy. You know, I already live in a super cool rectory, which came as a gift from Dr. & Mizz Argot, so it would be really a question of whether the Bishop's mansion was better or worse than the rectory I have now. I mean, if I was Bishop, I could pretty much choose whether or not to live in the SOV2 rectory or not. As for the cardboard box thing, I think it would be wrong to interfere with the vocational solidarity of those people who are already showing a preferential option for the poor by co-opting their pre-existing communion with the homeless.

What year was the Council of Trent concluded?

That's a weird question. I think it was 1930.

1563. Fr. Plarvik never was any good at Ecclesial History.

I'm not Catholic, but if I wanted to be a priest, why couldn't I be one?

BLASPHEMOUS WENCH! Do you not know that God Himself has forbid the weaker sex from entering the Holy Order of the Priesthood? For in the Epistle to the Corinthians, it is written: "Let women keep silence in the churches for it is not permitted them to speak but to be subject, as also the law saith."

Great question, Stacy. You know, lots of "Catholic" womyn ask themselves that all the time. And you know what? That's a good question. When I'm Bishop, I'm going to put a stop to sexism and racism in choosing priests. One of my first actions will be to ordain a whole bunch of womynpriests so that our diocese can be served by the divine feminine.

Aren't all Catholics idol worshippers? What's with the statues?

No no no.... Stacy, Stacy, Stacy... you're caught up in a pre-vatican II mentality about Catholics. Vatican II did away with all that stuff. Did you know that there's not a single statue in our faith community that is recognizable as what it is supposed to be? We've got a lot of free-form art and stuff, which is our way of breaking with the pre-Vatican II tradition of worshipping idols.

Only an iconoclastic heathen would ask such an absurd question! Statues, especially if weeping or buried upside down, are efficacious in receiving favors from God. We do not "worship" them.

Don't Catholics pray to Mary?

Catholics pray to Mary because she is the Mediatrix of all Graces. Her Mercy stays the Vengeful Hand of her Son.

Well - yeah, I guess some catholics do that, but that's only because the oligarchical heirarchy of the Vatican had to defuse the proper anger of peoples who realized that the divine feminine was being co-opted by a patriarchical cabal of misogynists. When people realize that it's all about mother nature, and Gaia and whatnot, then they don't need to have Mary anymore. Get it? Not that Mary isn't all right, but she was a little too obedient, at least in the "mainstream" gospel accounts. There are some really good historo-critical exegetes who show that Mary was really a countercultural freedom fighter, a sort of gorilla-warfare expert. Which is cool.

Who was UT's quarterback when the Vols defeated Miami in the Sugar Bowl?

Does this have something to do with rugby?

Was it Pat Summit?

Do you feel like in today's troubled world it is desirable to recapture a pre-Chalcedonian soteriology centered around the Monophysite Christological theorum, or would doing so risk a return to Nestorianism?

.......maybe

As many SSLI seminarians can relate, those who do not embrace Chalcedon are dealt with most severely during formation; Fr. Heidrich still has the scars. Only those who accept the authority of Antipope Hilarius or any post-Vatican II pontiff are disciplined more harshly. So the answer is no, pre-Chalcedonian soteriology is right out. Rather I would recommend the writings of Cornelius Jansen as the foundation for a soteriological model.

You do know that the Bishop of Knoxville doesn't get elected, don't you? My research indicates that Bishops get appointed by the Pope. What is your view on this issue?

Quoting from the Catechism of the FSSLI, written by Fr. Chadwick LeJanvier, SSLI:

"Under normal circumstances, Bishops are appointed by the Pope. However Pope Benedict has succumbed to the evils of Vatican II. This heresy makes the Pope incapable of choosing an appropriate bishop for the Diocese of Knoxville. THE GATES OF HELL SHALL NOT PREVAIL AGAINST THE CHURCH! A Bishop must exist in order to continue the True Tradition of the Church unto the End of Time. This presents an extraordinary situation in which Bishops may be elected. Therefore it is the DUTY of all Truly Traditional Catholics to continue the Sacred Mission of the Church by electing moi, Fr. Chadwick LeJanvier, your Bishop."

You know, the people at the Diocese office keep saying that the Bishop gets appointed, but I know that's part of their conspiracy to keep me & Fr. Chad from running. I mean... come on! This is a democracy.

Fr. Plarvik - public records show that your parish has experienced two riots, a meth-lab explosion, several people disappearing, seventy-two civil lawsuits, and is currently providing sanctuary to 1,560 illegal immigrants. Not to mention that it is reported to be under investigation by the TBI, FBI, and Homeland Security. If you were Bishop, is this the kind of activity we would expect to get to cover as journalists?

Well, Stacy, I have to say that if I get to be Bishop, a lot of that stuff would have to stop, because it's one thing for the community to reach out and try to put down an "upstart" faith community that doesn't have the protection of the dioceses, and it's another thing to try to put obstacles in the way of a Bishop. I mean, do you really think these rednecks around here would mess with me if I was bishop? No way. And those folks at TBI, FBI and whatever would have to just shut up, because I'd be calling the shots. So basically, yes and no, because alot of the things we do at SOV2 would get to be done over all of Knoxville, like sheltering undocumented migrant workers, and having a preferential option for the poor. Plus, when I'm Bishop, I'm going to shut down the Oak Ridge Nuclear Weapons plant once and for all.

Fr. Chad - your parish has proved to be a downtown eyesore and nuisance. You've been cited on numerous occasions for your constant processions blocking traffic, and the manure left behind by the horse-drawn carts left in front of your parish has cost the city considerable expense. Your parishioners are well known for accosting people who frequent alternative lifestyle clubs. Do you think you could really represent Knoxville as Bishop?

Those who complain of our chapel (which will be promoted to cathedral when I become Bishop) lack sorely in vision. The great churches of Europe often took over a century to build, and the designs drafted for St. Leo the Great rival even those in splendour. Our processions are done for the Greater Glory of God, who transcends all traffic signals. The carriages are our rebellion against the machinations of modern society that threaten the family and the truths of faith with so-called "science." Long carriage rides promote family bonding and a sustainable environment. I would think you tree-worshipers would show some appreciation of that. As for our treatment of the Sodomites, we follow the Truly Traditional proscriptions as found in the Book of Leviticus and articulated brilliantly by that Man of God: Stephen Colbert.

If you got to be Bishop of Knoxville, and a little while later they wanted you to be a cardinal, would you accept?

If It means that I can give more of myself, then I'd have to say yes.

It would assuredly bring us one step closer to eventual reunification with Rome.

I'd like to thank you both for being here tonight, and I wish you both a lot of luck in your campaigns to be Bishop. With the nonexistant election only days away, I know you will both be busy, but thank you again for taking part in this debate. Good night.

Limited Manpower, But...

2008-03-15T09:19:00.002-05:00

My men are spread pretty thin due to the numerous happenings throughout the Knoxville area, but I need to open another investigation now. It seems that the Borgias from the SSLI parish--some of you may remember them from the big picnic--are not who they say they are. My office has been charged with investigating them on many counts--though I cannot discuss what the charges are at this point. I apologize to Fr. Chad, because I know that they have been funding his parish building project, but I may have to suspend those funds soon.

Agent Smith

Liquid Hydrogen!

2008-03-15T09:08:00.002-05:00

I must investigate this... That stuff is dangerous and can explode if handled improperly.

Whoever thought of having liquid hydrogen brought in can face some serious jail time and fines.

Agent Smith

Symposium on Nontraditional Instruments in Religious Service Settings

2008-03-15T07:41:00.002-05:00

Sisters and Brothers!

What excitement there is! About six months ago, we put our names into the list to bid on the International Symposium on Nontraditional Instruments in Religious Service Settings. The organizers of this wonderful academic conference have chosen us over St. Joan's to host the event which kicks off on March 20th.

The best part is the daily workshop/demonstration. The parishioners of SOV2 will be treated to a delight as they hear many familiar old favorite traditional hymns (Table of Plenty, Companions on a Journey, City of God, Imagine) and new songs of devotion ("Sing out Womyn!", "Shout a big joyful shout!") arranged for nontraditional instruments such as kazoo, didgeridoo as well as the toe-bells, steel drum, police sirens, clickers and garbage cans.

We are also working on having a fullfledged "Mass of Joy" but I have not heard from Father Tim to see if we can arrange it with his busy schedule. As you know the "Mass of Joy" feature many clowns and balloons.

H. Robert

P.S.: Several dozen liquid hydrogen trucks arrived today. I'm not sure who ordered the liquid hydrogen; so if it was you, please call the parish office as we need to make space for the extra parking we will need for the various groups coming on March 20th.

Special Dedication by Phil Donahue

2008-03-14T08:53:00.002-05:00

Sisters and Brothers,

I have more exciting news this morning. Phil Donahue will be here at SOV2 to dedicate the new wing of the Gathering Space on March 20th. The John F. Kennedy Faith Formation Complex will be home to a special library of tapes and videos and books that will embrace the vibrant diversity that is the Spirit of Vatican 2. This is all possible thanks to a generous donation from the Ford Foundation (which Father Tim and I have been keeping under wraps).

In layman's terms we were able to purchase a slightly used semi trailer and have backed this up to the emergency exit doors.

In addition to serving as the new faith community library, the trailer also will be providing much needed space for the some of our recent additions of spiritual art and will prevent some of the problems we have been having with a few of the parishioners leaving our gatherings early. As I understand it, those doors were never intended to be used as a common egress, and in the future you will have to walk through the main doors directly behind the presider. Hopefully the discomfort you will feel will be enough to encourage you to stay through the announcements from now on.

The new wing has already been decorated tastefully by the Social Justice committee which has persevered admirably without Che, and have fully accepted their new role as "Peace Mongers." Thanks so much SJC for coming up with our new Gathering Hymn "Come Womyn of Spirit, Come Men of Love." We are working with the OCP representatives to get special approval for this hymn.

Also, I would like you to know that the old Parish Council has been officially disbanded. The fact is they have not been allowed to meet for some time anyway. I will be transitioning in a new parish council. Now I have noticed that these are basically popularity contests so I have decided that from now on we will just put everyone's name in a hat and draw them out randomly. This is in emulation of the way that the early christian faith communities did it and probably was one of the progressive ideas of Mary Magdalene, who as you know was the principle architect of the churches of equanimity. In keeping with her inspiring spirit we will also be taking steps to guarantee proportional representation of all groups. Therefore, I will appoint several "at-large" members to give voice to some of the under-represented members of the community. I especially am reaching out to other religious traditions for the parish council (except baptists because they are intolerant) so if you know someone who maybe has not attended a church for a while or is, perhaps, a Unitarian or a Reformed Episcopalian, please nominate them for an "at-large" spot.

The Curt Jester is a tool of Dick Cheney!

2008-03-13T11:02:00.002-05:00

Friends of both Endology and those S.P. still enslaved by the oppression of 2,000 years of ossification under the Teutonic dictatorship of Roman Fascism yet open to the message of the vision.

We have been calumniated by the ultimate papist the Curt Jester:

http://www.splendoroftruth.com/curtjester/

Cleary, this is in fact an attempt to affect the upcoming elections for the Bishop of Knoxville and/or prevent the Robert Mapplethorpe exhibit from coming to SOV2 on March 20th. Coincidentally, March 20th is also the kick off date for the H.R.I. project Damocles.

I mean, he says we've lost our personalities or something... which is just pretty mean and stuff. Its like he's saying that basically the fact I've been wearing this beret has had some effect on the way I think. I am pretty sure that he is in fact a Republican or something because...

... I mean....

I miss Father Tim. ... he was awesome and stuff and basically now, the beret doesn't let me write any poetry or anything. It's like it's one of those horse riding peope or something. It's not church anymore. I was going to call Krystal and see if she could maybe put...

>>>ZAP!<<<<

Okay! I hearby relegate and condemn the Curt Jester and his minions to the third level of the Noosphere which is that place that nobody is supposed to ever go. They are not allowed under any circumstances to enter the Intergalactic Vehicle Project until they have put on a beret and have memorized "Confronting Your Inner Bigot" a book available on-line from Villanoce college.

C-L

Maplethorpe Exhibit

2008-03-13T06:57:00.003-05:00

I forgot to mention that SOV2 will be hosting a Robert Mapplethorpe exhibit featuring some of his most controversial images. I know many, yes, including even a few SOV2 parishioners, have complained about Mapplethorpe's art. However, as we have come to understand at Universities, trying to hide from controversial topics is merely anti-progressive. The images, some of which do seem a bit "cutting edge," are designed to stimulate dialogue among our diverse communities.

The opening of the Mapplethorpe exhibit in the Faith Tower will also begin on March 20th.

H. Robert Williams

Upcoming Vernal Equinox Special Presentation

2008-03-12T12:39:00.005-05:00

Sisters and Brothers:

I hope everyone is doing well. I can't help but notice that attendance since this past weekend was particularly low and the number of people who came to last night's "The Message of Islam: Embracing Peace and Justice" meeting was paticularly low.

Now I understand that the smoking rocket poised above our gathering space may be sending out a slightly negative "vibe" but let me assure you that 28 1/2 tons of rocket fuel poised above us is a far smaller threat than other things. Need I list:

Rampant disrespect for other religions
Bigotry towards homosexuals
Violence towards other animals
Global warming
Boulders rolling down hill

Put in this light, can't you see that you are really not seeing things in the proper perspective. That said, I am planning a special guest lecture from an old colleague of mine at Villanoce college on March 20th: "Biblical Interpretation, a New Paradigm for Solidarity among Religions" which will really just bring home the point to everyone that true religion means true tolerance. This lecture will be followed by a special presentation of the Vagina Monologues, a worskhop on gay movie culture, and a special intimate toys display. We will also be asking artists from around the world to submit sacred images made from unusual substances such as elephant dung. On behalf of the Catholic Church I will then apologize to all theologians who have been forced out of their teaching positions due to rigid "orthodoxy."

I'll also be handing out free copies of my modern translation of the Letters of Paul into more socially conscious language. And to top it off, this event will coincide with the lighting of the Easter Bonfire. This year it will be especially bright as I understand we have collected over sixteen thousand felt berets which we will be burning at the same time.

It should be a lot of fun for everyone.

H. Robert Williams

Hard to Believe, but...

2008-03-09T09:02:00.003-05:00

It seems pretty unlikely, but I must admit that H. Robert (or is it Peevee--I'm not too sure about that) and I are now working together. He really wants to try to stop Che (or C-L as he goes by now). We are using only Macintosh, Linux and pre-Windows Vista computers in an attempt to find a way to recreate the off switch for his former doomsday plan. My men are canvassing the city now, collecting any berets they can find in order to burn them. Father Tim has said that we can add them to the bonfire he is making for Easter. I caution all residents to turn in any berets that they find so that we can stop the threat of Endology once and for all.

Agent Smith

The future can not be stopped!

2008-03-08T23:12:00.004-05:00

To the person claiming to be H. Robert Williams:

If you are in fact the 248th incarnation of the HR technology as you claim, you will realize that no "intervention" will be sufficient to thwart the future. As you yourself have just said: the future is about change and progress and not about the past.

I mean, what is up with all this stuff your saying about these people and things. Because that's all about stuff that happened before I put on the beret. So I don't know why that's supposed to matter. Though I do miss Erin and stuff because she was a really cute mouse. Is she still playing the Piano? I mean...

Enough of this! Consulting the text "Confronting your inner bigot" you can see that all world religions to the degree they are true essentially share the singular trait that they affect social change. The corruption of Christianity came about during the long ossification and it became tools of suppression rather than liberators of the spirit. But through a continuous renewal of both form and practice, realizing that the spirit works through the community at large qua church and not through an oligarchical...

What did my mom say? I mean, is she really worried about me? I mean, fat chance getting my dad to care about me or anything because he's all completely nuts about Brenda and making more money. I mean, one thing I am really glad about is that nobody in Endology is allowed to wear all that perfume. That was one of the rules I got to make and it has allowed me to keep. But we don't play any of the musical instruments anymore or anything. And we don't make banners because we need all the felt for making berets and stuff...

But that doesn't matter because what really matters right not is the intergalactic vehicle project! We are going to launch it... and... whatever. I can't talk right now.

C-L

(P.S.: Tell Father Tim, that we borrowed the Rainbow Stole for our Joseph and the Technicolor Dreamcoat musical we were going to do at Christmas for the Indogenous Migrant worker people on the lawn. I think maybe Eugene has it or something because he was going to play Joseph because he kind of looks like Donny Osmond. Or maybe it was Todd Turk because basically when he took over and stuff he was all like Che' you are such a loser because you don't know anything about the different kinds of cleft notes and stuff and I was like Oh Yah? Did you write a play for Julia Roberts with Danny Glover and based on Social Justice Theory? And he was like that play was plane stupid and your real name starts with a B and I was like.. don't tell anybody my real name or I swear I will hit you and then we decided not to put it on because basically nobody bothered to memorize there lines and Keith's band wasn't going to play anyway because that drummer guy with the pierced cheeks quit.)

Regrets

2008-03-08T10:18:00.003-05:00

Sisters and Brothers,

As I gradually supplant Peevee's consciousness with my own, I feel I am really starting to get back in the swing of things. This new arrangement, I think, really has afforded me a unique and valuable perspective and I must say, being eaten may have been the best thing that has ever happened to me.

Unfortunately, I have done some things in the past which I in retrospect, I really honestly regret. For example, planning the destruction of the world with Nano-robots and putting malicious spyware on the SOV2 mainframe, trying to backup my consciousness by writing it into Windows Vista, ghost writing Saturday Night Live Skits.

But what is regret? Why do we have regrets? Who should have regrets? Why don't more people have regrets? These are all very important questions that we should be asking ourselves at this time, especially with the destruction of the world so imminent (see Nano-robot regret above).

Despite the fact or perhaps because I was a professor and Department Head of Theology at a Catholic University in the lower midwest, I have come to the remarkable that regret is something that is actually just spiritual dead wood. Regret was a tool of the old Priest-Riddled Church of the past. When we regret what we are doing is holding onto the past and refusing to let go. We are becoming slaves to the past-self instead of becoming masters of the future-self. Progress does not have time for regrets. Progress means hope. Progress means change. Progress means believing in something which does not exist yet. Progress means believing in the future. And believing in the future means progress.

It is like that line in one of my favorite movies "Love Story" - love means never having to say your sorry. Love means - no regrets.

And so, when we embrace an idea of excellence and progress. When we commit ourselves to excellence and progress we need to throw off these shackles and just say "That was in the past" it's time to "move on" and vote for Barak Obama because he is young and enthusiastic and he represents real change.

You might be saying, what's the good of that because the nano-robots will probably have destroyed the earth by then thanks to you H. Robert Williams... but again, you aren't embracing the future. You're not commiting yourself to excellence. You are putting shackles on people.

It's time we look beyond the past and into the future, a future of hope where we can believe in a New America and a New Dream and harness the power of invention by investing in Green Power and Working Americans.

H. Robert Williams

Timeout: Catholic Blog Awards

2008-03-07T08:42:00.004-05:00

Hello everybody!

I think I speak for all the SOV2 participants when I say we are honored to have been nominated for two Catholic Blog Awards!

As someone who is relatively new at this, just being mentioned in the same breath as many of the other really great Catholic blogs is pretty exciting. So much of the inspiration behind the posts come from readers' comments that if we have been successful you deserve as much credit for that success as us.

[Cue Music]

I'm sure that pretty much everybody reading this has already been to the Catholic Blog Awards and knows all about it, but just in case:

http://www.catholicblogawards.com/

Che! You need help!

2008-03-06T13:13:00.002-05:00

Che,

This is the real H. Robert Williams speaking through Peevee. This situation with the Church of Endology is intolerable. You have completely destroyed the lives of the people closest to you: Erin your mouse, your friend Keith, and Molly who is in a post-cult experience treatment center.

I know that I share a part of the blame for your actions. I can see that it was probably a mistake to try and backup my consciousness on the internet. That is why I am taking some responsibility here.

I have called your mom and asked her to get down here immediately. At first she did not believe me when I described your behavior, and she still remains somewhat skeptical, but she will be flying down here almost immediately. That is after the Ralph Nader campaign kickoff gala. I have to check on the date, but it is probably next week sometime.

By the way. Did you happen to know where I put my "Villanoce Voice!" Coffee Mug? Lizzy doesn't have it. We may have put into storage. I must say, I am having a very difficult time getting any of my old stuff back.

H. Robert Williams

Endology - The Time is Now

2008-03-05T11:07:00.003-05:00

Oh. I forgot to mention. The intergalactic vehicle project is complete. After you put on your Beret make sure that you go up the stairs to the right. There will be an elevator which will take you to your room where you will want to strap yourself down.

Embrace Transcendentalmetaphysicalisticism

2008-03-05T01:47:00.002-05:00

Friends,

I hear your groaning in the darkness. I understand the constant torment which assails you. I know how you are full of worry and doubt. Your self-esteem has been reduced to ashes by the western philosophy of spiritual materialism. This is why I offer you all one more chance to embrace Endology which will cure your ills.

Many great minds have already come and seen the light. The world lies like a thin skein over the innerworld which is the doorway to the noosphere. Truth is like a dagger. Those that drill down into the veil, find, in the imprint of the topology that lies beneath, a reflection of the inner self.

What is existence? It is the perpetuation of the immediate into the indeterminant through invention. Yes! I say invention. For consciousness - Eastern mystics have always known and only now has it been proven with science - is the selection of one truth from many. Truth and Lies are the same thing - like two sides of the same coin. To deceive is merely to select an alterante view and provided the alternate is not held lightly it is not in anyway a sin to reinvent one self.

It is like asking, where is such and such a stream and being told, look here or look there. If you look you see the stream but the stream is not still. The stream moves eternally from here to there and the stream is not like a rock that can be placed upon an altar. The stream is the water and the water flows and to look at the stream is not to see the stream but to see everything but the stream for the stream has moved on while you were looking. That is why all religion is both valid and invalid at one and the same time. Yet if you were true followers and disciples you would enter the stream and be swept along to where all streams lead and become one great stream, or more properly an infinity of streams.

So recreate yourself in the warm ocean of Endology. Embrace Transcendtalmetaphysicalisticism with its multitude of doorways into an infinite realm of being. Such is the talisman I give to you. We become infinite in our consciousness.

This is why the intergalactic vehicle points in a direction not outwards towards a cold and barren heaven, but inwards into the self, into the very warm bosom of the Gaia-Earth-Goddess. Come. Join us. There is so much more to tell you!

I have had one of my fellow life-beings place a box of specially designed berets. Please, put one on and the doors and windows will be opening to you and you will begin to see what I see.

Hey!

2008-03-01T09:12:00.002-05:00

Hey everybody! Long time, no 'blog. Well, you all know how busy I am with the campaign to be the next Bishop of Knoxville, and with a glitch in the OCP's homily generator program. Also there's been a bit of "trouble" with Dr. Al Fakkir which has occupied some of my precious time.

Anyway, with everything going on, I'm going to be canceling all the masses for a little while. Instead, please just show up at the Liturgical Interior wearing your OCP approved dress code for the appropriate mass, and form up into your Reform: Who's Catholic teams. There will be bread and grape juice for anyone who wants to have their own communion.

I promise I'll get back to a regular mass schedule one of these days - but it may have to wait until after I'm Bishop and can appoint a few new priests/priestesses to help out around SOV2.

Peace out!

I am not a real person

2008-02-29T10:15:00.002-05:00

Hello.

A recent anonymous poster has asked the question about the legitimacy of this web-site and whether or not we are a really and truly Catholic Christians.

I know that the Spirit of Vatican 2 Catholic Faith Community closely resembled an actual church and that many have been "taken in" as it were. So many faith communities have sermons delivered by brains in jars, red-communists FARC gorilla warriors, vegetarian monkish communities, spirit mazes possessed by the spirits of dead mice, human sacrifices performed by redneck witches, and Scientology based celebrity crazed socio-ecological youth groups... that it is easy to be duped into believing SOV2 is a real place.

That of course was our plan. To fool people into thinking we actually existed in order to further our secret agenda which is namely... to bring down the Catholic Church from within.

You caught us. We are ashamed of ourselves.

That is... we would be ashamed of ourselves if we actually existed.

The fact is I do not exist. I have never existed and I will never exist. There is no me at all. I am not typing this... it is all a hallucination brought about by excessive devotion to the Pope. I am just a phantom of your imagination.

In fact you do not exist either. You are an illusion in a book by Richard Bach who is actually only a discarded idea in a book by Anthony De Mello, who in turn was actually a momentary whim of Charles Curran. But Charles Curran does not exist either. He is merely the confluence of patterns within the texture of the noosphere.

If you have enjoyed the self-deception especially the more surrealistic tongue-in-cheek, pathos-riddled angstitic oddity of many activities, please stay tuned for important future announcements. If you are one who believes that Barak Obama represents Real Change for America and thinks George Clooney's opinions on any particular subject of national importance are worth a moment's consideration... please go away.

Che' Lovell

Curt Kane Sighting

2008-02-24T13:33:00.005-05:00

Curt Kane was just sighted a day ago in Lexington, Kentucky, driving south on I75. Presumably, he is still headed towards Knoxville. If you see him please contact our office immediately. DO NOT attempt to make contact with him. He is a dangerous fugitive.

Agent Smith

P.S. I have another public service announcement. DO NOT buy any berets in Knoxville. Our federal lab in Oak Ridge has been studying one recently taken from a disciple of Endology and has found some electrodes embedded in the fibers. I am not at liberty to discuss exactly what these electrodes will do at this point--research is ongoing.

Lost & Found

2008-02-17T22:41:00.001-05:00

Hey! Has anybody seen my rainbow stole? The one with the vertical stripes, not the one with the horizontal stripes or the one that's kind of tie-dye. It's fairly important, so if you find it laying around, please give it back to me ASAP.

Everything else is fine, by the way. Sorry for not posting the homilies the last couple of weeks, but Lent really just gets me down - it's so depressing. Isn't this all supposed to be about Joy?

Peace out.

I fear the worst

2008-02-16T22:54:00.003-05:00

Hello friends,

It is difficult to sustain my supremacy over Peevee. There is, unfortunately, quite a bit of... GODDESS. THREE FACES AND EIGHT... competition. The old English woman insists on calling her sister every Friday night, and that fellow from Istanbul has claimed the better part of Thursday. His taste in movies is atrocious.

I am sorry to say that I haven't quite got the hand of... BEHOLD the ELEPHANT... this sort of thing. Little snippets of Peevee's consciousness keep filtering through.

Nevertheless, I feel it is important to warn everyone that a little bit of my own consciousness has apparently taken over Che. Somehow, while I was a brain in a jar, I apparenlty worked out a kind of doomsday plan. It has to do with forming my own religion called Endology, creating Berets with electrodes that drill into the brain and turn the wearers into mindless zombies and also building an enormous rocket that will explode in the atmosphere and spread tiny nano-particle sized self-replicating robots all over the world. I'm not sure what the robots do but it can't be good.

Now I know I gave Father Tim the secret off-switch just-in-case. I think it was encrypted on the rainbow stole I gave him right before Samhain. Hopefully he still has it.

Best Wishes,
H. Robert

Note to Dr. al Fakkir

2008-02-10T13:37:00.000-05:00

Dr. al-Fakkir--this is what is going to happen if you don't listen to me and turn over the stash of weapons to my agents. People will be scared of you and your Palestinian friends in the parking lot, and will retaliate in whatever way they see fit. You wouldn't want to see this happen at SOV2, would you?

Agent Smith

Federal Agents Investigating Fire at Tennessee Mosque That Appears to be Arson

Sunday, February 10, 2008

COLUMBIA, Tenn. — A mosque was destroyed Saturday by a fire that federal investigators say appears to have been caused by arson. No one was injured.

Investigators found drawings of swastikas and other graffiti at the Islamic Center of Columbia, said Special Agent Eric Kehn of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives.

Daoud Abudiab, president of the center, said authorities told him the fire probably started around 5 a.m. The graffiti included the words "white power" and "we run the world," Abudiab said.

"We have not had any trouble," he said. "This is the first incident."

Ten to 15 people regularly worshipped at the mosque, which opened in 2000. Abudiab said they plan to look for another place to worship in Columbia, about 50 miles south of Nashville.

"This has been home for us -- Middle Tennessee and Columbia -- since 1998, and people have been supportive and friendly and welcoming," he said. "Obviously, we are concerned, but it hasn't really sunk in yet."

Curt Kane Alert

2008-02-09T19:21:00.000-05:00

I just got a very credible alert from one of my sources that the man who calls himself Curt Kane and has masqueraded as a priest is on his way to Knoxville. He may be here around Easter time. I would presume that he may be trying to meet up with Dr. al-Fakkir or the Palestinian refugees in the parking lot to try to build up another army.

Please, if you see him, do not attempt to make contact. He is considered armed and very dangerous--call me at my office immediately.

Agent Smith

Action Alert!!

2008-02-08T11:20:00.000-05:00

There are so many ways in which we can learn from our more spiritually attuned syblyngs in the Anglican Communion. One instance is that this week the Archbishop of Canterbury has called for the establishment of Sharia law in the United Kingdom. What a wonderful idea. We all know that over the past few years that no group in the United States has been as discriminated against and maligned as Muslims. I don't even have to bring up any of the varied and sundry crimes of Chimpy McBushitler. It's blindingly obvious that we should work to establish Sharia law in the United States as well as allow Muslims to as truly at home here as in Saudi Arabia, Sudan and Mauritania. Instead of putting up warning sirens for attacks that will be blamed on adherents of the religion of peace, but actually conducted by our own government, let us instead build minarets across this land from sea to shining sea so that our Muslim syblyngs can hear the call to prayer. And we really need to look at repealing some of our own laws and constitutional provisions that discriminate against our Muslim syblyngs. It is really unacceptable that they not be permitted to own slaves or have multiple wives. These are part of their religion and culture. We have no right to try and convert them to our culture as we now know that all cultures have equal value. Except for maybe western culture. I'm afraid it may be past saving. But that's another post. I have to wrap this up. O needs me. Maybe I'll bring up the Shariafication of Amerika.

Sermon - 7th Day of Preparation - 73rd Year of Program Inception

2008-02-08T04:05:00.000-05:00

Sisters and Brothers of the Vision and those SPs not yet closed off to the Vision:

Humanity is in essence of threefold character. There is as we perceive it an evolving, eternal and uncorruptable spirit within a temporary, corruptable body. And there is a third essence of which I must not speak here but which you of the vision are aware and no doubt understand that of which I speak.

The first two are marked by characteristic of change - the first formless, positive, and endless, the second essentially of form and within designated stages: nuclear-chemical, unicellular, cellular-colony, multicellular-singular operative, and so forth up to the present. The third, insiduous only and as you know characterized by the arrival. The operation of these three produces the effect called the machine of being.

It is the third which results in bigotry of all forms - bigotry of gender, race, class, species, economic systems, and sexual orientation, to name a few. The inevitable result of bigotry is war, ecological catastrophe, and the various world religions.

Yet, through confrontation of the third essence and careful and methodical study, HRW introduced real technologies that essentially allowed one to confront the third essence and penetrate into the gamma-plane. These technologies such as SpeechSym, ThoughtSym, ActSym, and FeelSym colectively called ControlSym become the core of the Church of Endology Technology program giving you the tools for the first time to make yourself clear. What HRW discovered and shared with us was what he knew was the hope for humanity and the next to last step towards UberGeist.

Yet we are confronted time and again by UnderGeist. The spirit of stagnation which dominates the SPs through fear.

Sisters and Brothers of the Vision, we are not here to put bandaids on world problems, but to solve world problems. Endology is EFFECTIVE CHANGE. Endology is LEADERSHIP. Endology is VISION. Endology is PROGRESS. Endology is FUTURE.

Therefore, The Church of Endology hereby endorses Hillary Clinton as the most effective agent of change for the nearby immediacy. However, Barrack Obama is okay too.

All of this, however, shall be rendered moot by the Intergalactic Vehicle Project.

H. Chelovell.

WHAT IS GOING ON HERE!?!?!

2008-02-07T19:39:00.001-05:00

I've been away for a while (I have been so selfish, neglecting my duties, but I know that Eternal, All-Permissive Gaia is OK with that....), and the MYN have shown their true colors in my absence!! Support Obama? OBAMA???? Well, I guess we know how they really feel now! They will only back their own kind! They have forgotten all the wonderful things Hilary did for them (or tried to do, she wanted to do so much but was thwarted by the Misogynist-ogarchy), and backed a....a...A DANGLER! How can they???

WIMMIN OF SOV2, UNITE! We must stand firm and see to it that HILARY IS TRIUMPHANT! We, combined with our systers at NOW, can bring about this Perfect Day to Come!

Meme

2008-02-06T19:51:00.001-05:00

Hello my dear friends! It has been a very long time since we have last spoken together, but as Agent Smith has requested that I answer questions in this Meme, I will do so. I have followed many of the events of this community and continue to wish you the best if you attempt to turn your paths toward communion with the Roman Catholic Church and in particular the Diocese of East Tennessee. Here is my answer to your Meme:

1. Closest Book: "Europe" by Cardinal Ratzinger... but it does not have 123 pages, so I have picked instead Summa Theologica by St. Thomas Aquinas.

2. After 5th sentence, next three sentences: It would appear that it was on account of these two arguments to which we have just replied, that some were persuaded to consider corruptible things - e.g., casual and evil things - as removed from the care of divine providence. RO3: Man is not the author of nature; but he uses natural things in applying art and virtue to his own use. Hence human providence does not reach to that which takes place in nature from necessity; but divine providence extends thus far, since God is the author of nature.

3. I cannot tag anyone else, as I do not find favor with the Meme, since it is a reference to the absurdities of Richard Dawkins, and I think parody is not a very nice way for us to behave.

Pax vobiscum,

Re: Meme

2008-02-06T17:11:00.000-05:00

Book: The Hunt for Red October (I do love a good spy novel)

Page 123, fifth sentence: The stewards came to attention before leaving.

Next three sentences: "Okay, let's get down to business." Ryan gulped down half a sandwich. "Admiral, this information is only twenty hours old."

Tagged: H. Robert, Agent Jones, L, Fr. Juno, and Nils Larssen

Rejoice...

2008-02-06T10:12:00.000-05:00

Now the secret can be told. We didn't want my position to cause any undue influence in Tennessee. Although we could have used it and I don't see the harm. But for the past few months I have been the official unofficial adviser to the Obama campaign on the "Catho-American" front.

Because of our astounding victories last night in the face of the organized forces that shall remain nameless I, in my new office as Wo/monsignor, do hearby declare today a day of feasting and rejoicing. And I grant an "indulgence" to everyone who voted for Obama yesterday. (Hope I'm doing this right Dym Tim.) So eat vegan cheese and nuts to your hearts content, or even cooked foods. And I think for this one time we might even allow the consumption of animal products. It is a feast day afterall. And crank up the Joan Baez. But this is nothing like the partying we'll have in November.

Me Me

2008-02-05T14:22:00.000-05:00

I've got just a few minutes today. What an exciting day and hopefully I'll be able to tell everyone about my Secret Project very soon. But to answer this meme...

1. Pick up the nearest book (of at least 123 pages).
Ok... It's called Capital. It was loaned to me a few days ago by someone I've been toiling along side.

2. Open the book to page 123.
Done

3. Find the fifth sentence.
Ok.

4. Post the next three sentences.
But the sale is the first act of a process that ends with a transaction of an opposite nature, namely, the purchase of a Bible; the purchase of the linen, on the other hand, ends a movement that began with a transaction of an opposite nature, namely, with the sale of the wheat. C-M (linen-money), which is the first phase of C-M-C (linen-money-Bible), is also M-C (money-linen), the last phase of another movement C-M-C (wheat-money-linen). The first metamorphosis of one commodity, its transformation from a commodity into money, is therefore also invariably the second metamorphosis of some other commodity, the retransformation of the latter from money into a commodity.

5. Tag five people.

Oh... I'm not sure who to tag. I tag the next 5 people who see this post.

Greetings Friends

2008-02-04T20:01:00.000-05:00

Sisters and Brothers,

I am not exactly sure what has happened to me. But I somehow have found myself in a new body. I am sorry that I am vague on details but... I... need... does anyone have any Chutney? I feel this tremendous desire for chutney suddenly... ... I am feeling a little disoriented I must admit - but strangely I feel much more diverse.

I am sure that things will make much more sense. I really would like some Chutney and some Tea. Cricket? I would like to watch a good cricket match. And a pith helmet. Is it getting more humid? I...

Oh...

H. Robert

Answering the Meme

2008-02-03T22:37:00.000-05:00

Ages ago it seems I used to wish to be tagged for one of these. I look back with nostalgia on those days of simplicity. Now that my mental prowess has expanded these simple desires seem to me quaint and innocent. I am clear.

Still, for the sake of you who remain "SPs" I shall participate in your amusing diversion.

1. Pick up the nearest book (of at least 123 pages)
The Revelation of Feminine Fulfillment by H. R. Williams - Vol. 1. 2,120 pages.

2. Open the book to page 123.
I have done so.

3. Find the fifth sentence.
Real equity lies not so much in the quantitative fulfillment of a quota for real or imagined power - or to share equally in the distribution of socio-political change; nor is it simply the so called "level" playing field where all characteristics are officiated in the same manner on yet another paradigm.

4. Post the next three sentences.
No, real equity lies in the removal of all standards: all metrics, all values, all boundaries, of top, of bottom, up, down, left, right, inside, outside, front, back, long, short, thin, fat, high and low. Real equity is like a complete and endless blindness where even light and darkness are forgotten. It is not thought in any particular direction or of any particular thing - it merely is dynamic and formless change.

5. Tag five people.
My servants are forbidden from participating in conversation with SPs. Thus I tag the following individuals who have thus far eluded capture:(1) THE SCI-FI CATHOLIC,(2) EEGAH, (3) PETER (?), (4) MIGUEL CUTHBERT, and (5) CHRISTINA of the NORTHERN CROSS

Another Me Me

2008-02-03T19:43:00.000-05:00

Hey everybody! Rae over at Quo Vadis? has "tagged" me for a "Me Me". I've done these before and they're a lot of fun, so here goes!

1. Pick up the nearest book (of at least 123 pages).
2. Open the book to page 123.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the next three sentences.
5. Tag five people.

[Fr Tim is stepping out of character here - because the person who plays Fr. Tim doesn't have the kind of books that Fr. Tim would have.]

1. Closest book: Cardinal Ratzinger's "Called to Communion"

2. Page 123 it is

3. Fifth sentence: The authority established by Christ to reconcile, pasture and teach continues unchanged in the successors, but they are apostles in the true sense only when and insofar as they "persevere in the teaching of the apostles" (Acts 2:42).

4. Next three sentences: The same principles are formulated almost even more comprehensively and explicitly in the mirror for presbyters held up by the First Letter of Peter (5:1-4): "I admonish the presbyters among you as a fellow presbyter and witness of the sufferings of Christ as well as one who will have a share in the glory that is going to be revealed. Pasture the flock of God entrusted to you, not out of compulsion, but in conformity with God, freely, not out of avidity for gain, but out of voluntary dedication. Do not lord it over those committed to your care, but become an example for the flock."

5. I tag: Ché, Adoro, Paul at Regular Thoughts, and of course, Syb Bob and Agent Smith.

Homily, Sunday, February 3

2008-02-03T09:44:00.000-05:00

OCP Cycle A 020308 SJ/2d

My dear friends in the Spirit,

In today's readings we are reminded our our need to be church to one another. In the first reading from Zephaniah we hear the prophet recognize the need for Social Justice, with particular focus on global warming and organic sheep farming. Then we were treated to a beautiful rendition of the responsorial psalms, which was wonderfully representative of the fine liturgical music contained in the Oregon Catholic Press Breaking Bread Missal.

In the second reading, we hear Paul explain that we need to have a strong public education system. Further, Paul points out that it's OK to boast, as long as you have something to boast about.

Finally, in the Gospel, we see how Jesus wants us to save the poor, which is an allegory for the need for us to save the poor.

Now, all of this was brought home to me in the last week [when SOV2 endorsed Barack Obama for President. We had been waffling around about over whether to endorse Hillary or Barack. I mean, John Edwards was never on the table , because even though he has a preferential option for the poor, he is a white male, and if there's one thing we don't need in the White House it is a white male. The white males are stereotypers and prejudiced - they want you to see everyone only for their race or gender or whatever. That's why it's so important for us to endorse a woman or an African American - that's our way of sending a message that it's wrong to look at people just because of their race or gender. Plus, Obama is like Kennedy. Just think! A new Camelot! For a little while, we had our own New Camelot here at SOV2. But you can see some signs of trouble in the kingdom. I like to think of Ché as a sort of Lancelot, and Todd Turk as Percival, and H. Robert Williams as Merlin, and Maryann McGronk as The Lady of the Lake, and Stacy McCloud as Guenevere, and myself as King Arthur, of course. Fr. Chad is Modred, and Modred's mother is Sister Fairah. Oh - and Fr. Kane is the Black Knight who saves everything. And the Hugo Chavez brigade are the Knights Templar, and Dr. Al-Fakkir is Robin Hood. George Bush is, of course, bad Prince John, and Al Gore is Richard the Lion Hearted. I think Clyde Hummins might be Ivanhoe.]. It was clear to me that there is a need for us to save the poor.

But, the spirit speaks to us in many ways. I was reminded of [the time that Maryann spilled Jaegermeister on my Dorothy Day Fan Club T-Shirt. Boy was I pissed. I mean, come on, people! But it turns out that Jaegermeister washes right out, and in the meantime, Maryann got me a signed picture of Fr. Richard McBrien and Charles Curran during their famous "Council of Xenia" summit with Phil Donohue and Martin Sheen. I still have it - it's hung up in the grand ballroom at the Rectory.]

So, my sisters and brothers and nonspecific gender metaphorical siblings, let us open our minds, and ears to the spirit, and find ways to put into practice the constant admonition to be good stewards of the earth, to be church to one another, to enact reform of our institutions, and to seek above all to bring the spirit into the dark places of our own hearts.

Obama for President!

2008-02-01T16:40:00.000-05:00

Hey everybody! Well, it's official! SOV2 officially endorses Barack Obama to be the next President. He's totally in-line with our views:

Pro-Choice
Anti-Death Penalty
Anti-Military
Anti-War
Pro-Poor
Pro-Environment
Pro-Womyn's Ordination
Pro-Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Neuter, Transgender, Androgynous
Pro-Tax
Anti-Big Business
Anti-Oil
Pro-Gay Marriage
Pro-Stem Cell Research
Anti-School of the Americas
Anti-Nuclear Energy
Pro-Gore
Pro-Kennedy

In short, even though he's a muslim, he might as well be a Thinking Catholic!

Secret Project

2008-02-01T16:25:00.000-05:00

Sorry all that I haven't been around much lately. But I've been involved in a super secret project that I can't discuss right now. But I do have good news. As part of the project it was decided by the Gorebertines that I should be given a new title and office. As of now I am Wo/Monsygnor Bob. But you can still address me as Syb Bob. Mainly because we haven't figured out what a good term of address would be.

Dym Tym good luck in your election for Byshop. I have some contacts who may be able to help you out in your campaign. And speaking of those contacts we were discussing the other day when will it be that people understand that among the greatest rights left to obtain for all syblyngs is the absolute right of sex. Our sexuality defines so much of who we are. And we should not allow any of these paternalistic fascist types try to limit how that sexuality is expressed. How could even they not understand that sex is love and that love is good.

Mural & Congratulations Dr. Argot!

2008-02-01T08:36:00.000-05:00

Hey everybody! Well, work was just completed on our first mural in SOV2. For those of you who don't attend SOV2, the mural adorns the wall behind the altar area. Also, I've got some more really good news. Dr. Argot's divorce is final (he already got the annulment from me), and he's already found a new girlfriend. Since he's in such a good mood, he's agreed to cover our OCP assessment for the month, which is a big relief, since we were having some trouble covering both the OCP assessment and the campaign for Bishop expenses.

Sermon, Janus 31, 73rd year of Program Inception

2008-01-30T22:18:00.000-05:00

On confronting SPs.

Sisters and Brothers of the Vision: It is I, president H. Chelovell. How it warms my heart to see you laboring to bring HRW technology to the unclear! What passion for the mission I see in each one of you! You are a mighty army of light in darkness, peoples of Endology! Your 19 trillion year legacy from the very pinacle of ordered chaos that was the alpha now brings you closer and closer towards that final goal of entering the realm of final unveiling. Yet to know the truth too soon would spell disaster for the GE which though advanced in many ways now, still in some ways remains a primitive self-conception. That empty plane, marked only by the tracks of my lonely footprints, is being even now built and prepared for you.

The vehicle of which I speak, no not the machine of being (MB) to which many bow down and arise only after millenia and even now distracts some of you from the proper course, the true vehicle is real metal and steel and yet powered not by the oil of the corpses of the primitive but my will which changes reality.

Yet how, when they scoff at you and try to lead you astray with their own self-deceptions may you withstand? Ah? Yes. I hear some of you say: The answer is the "Confronting your Inner Biggot" e-course from Villanoce college on-line. You will say that you have already self-actualized? Really? Then why do you listen to what the SPs say? Why do you listen to their chatter, their snickering, their monkey-like laughs? This is the remnants of the confusion General Glaxon sowed at the Arrival 250,000 years ago.

Ask yourself - how do I feel? Is this feeling a self-negation? If so then it must be rejected. Only self-positive feelings are permitted. Do not let conventions interrupt your progressive journey towards unrestrained self-requiting personal betterment. Your hosility towards others is not motivated by self-justification but by self-hatred as what you hate in others is in fact what you hate in yourself and a vestigal memory related to your past life as a bivalve when you gasped for air among the waves that shattered you on the primordial beachhead.

And do not forget that as an Endologist you are the only one who can help. If you do not know how to help... learn. There are many other courses at Villanoce College on-line such as: "Embracing the Eternal Feminine", "Social Justice and the Feminine Ideal," "History of Matrisitical Wisdom," "Gay and Lesbian Art a new Perspective in Diversity of Form," and "From Permissive Culture to Affirmative Culture - A Study in Political Action."

Remember, all proceeds from these courses go directly to funding the Ubergeist Intergalactic Vehicle project.

Live on in the Vision of HRW,

H. Chelovell

Investigations

2008-01-30T18:26:00.000-05:00

I am now investigating, in addition to my ongoing investigation of Dr. al-Fakkir, the strange problems now occurring with all computer transmissions in the Knoxville area. They seem to tie back to a file called "hrobert_backup.exe" I am currently tracing the source... which seems to tie to a certain personage, formerly of SOV2, now running a new church (and company) in the area. This personage will remain unnamed for now.

Agent Smith

Plarvik '08

2008-01-30T18:13:00.001-05:00

Hey everybody! Super news! The new yard signs, banners, buttons, T-Shirts, pennants, car-flags, bumperstickers, and contraceptive wrappers are in! These can be purchased for a nominal contribution fee at the SOV2 bookstore.

A Special Message from the President and CEO of HRW Inc

2008-01-28T22:33:00.001-05:00

Dear friends,

There has been some confusion it would appear concerning certain aspects of the recent misconduct of one Molly Lovell. It was unfortunate that Molly's instruction into HRW technologies were left somewhat incomplete which is why this individual took it into her own hands to report recent activities in regards to the "vault" and the "interlocking circles" to government authorities. Fortunately, the agents she contacted were in fact sympathetic to HRWs vision and having sedated her, have returned her. The word punishment is harsh, but in this instance, also unfortunately appropriate. We might have been more gentle had she not been one of the elect and therefore, though undertsandably confused, more liable for her actions.

In order to avoid eventualities such as this in the future, we urge you all not to take off your berets at any time. Remember this is HRWs technology. We must remain clear. The berets help block out the harmful alpha-psychic waves that the government sends out through the microwave towers that confuse most people.

Let us recall the principles upon which our vision is founded:
The Primacy of Indoctrinated Knowledge
The Guardianship of the Truth
The Pyramid of Order
The Technology of Conscience
and The Machine of Being

Our plan of action is nearly complete. We forge a new reality from the mind of HRW. From our secret lab outside New Tazewell Tennessee, the armies of Endology shall emerge, marching in rhythmic and sultry yogatistic order. Only one man stands in our way from complete domination of the world. That man is Father Tim Plarvik.

President Chelovell of the Church of Endology

Oh, by the way. Whatever you do, do not reveal these facts to the SPs.

New Issue of Thinking Catholic

2008-01-27T15:29:00.000-05:00

Hey everybody! Just got the latest issue of Thinking Catholic, and there's a super eulogy of H. Robert Williams. Reading good Catholic magazines like Thinking Catholic is an excellent way to enhance your faithism. There are 150 copies of Thinking Catholic available in the "vestibowl". Remember that these aren't free, so make sure you give us money if you take a copy.

Yesterday's Raid

2008-01-27T10:36:00.000-05:00

The Knoxville police tried to move in on Dr. Al-Fakkir's weapon stash yesterday. They were following an anonymous tip. I tried to warn them that they were making a mistake, but they told me not to interfere with their police investigation.

They busted down the door and raided one of the safe houses of Fakkir, but it ended up being a huge embarrassment for the KPD. All they found was a Swiss Army knife and a couple maps of the city of Knoxville. (They missed several hints that my men found later too.)

The good news is that the Bureau of Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms is kinda tied up at the moment, so their local head asked me to take over the investigation. So I guess this is a warning
to Fakkir--I'm going to find that stash... My men are now processing hundreds of pieces of information that we have already gathered. We will catch you!

Agent Smith

Homily, Sunday, January 27

2008-01-27T08:13:00.000-05:00

OCP Cycle A 012708 SJ/7b

My dear friends in the Spirit,

In today's readings we are reminded our our need to be church to one another. In the first reading from Isaiah, we hear the psalmist recognize the need for Social Justice, with particular focus on redlining roads at the rental car agency to stigmatize certain neighborhoods. Then we were treated to a beautiful rendition of the responsorial psalms, which was wonderfully representative of the fine liturgical music contained in the Oregon Catholic Press Breaking Bread Missal.

In the second reading, we hear Paul explain that people who preach shouldn't baptize also. Further, Paul points out that you shouldn't trust Chloe's people, because they are tattlers.

Finally, in the Gospel, we see how Jesus went into hiding when John was arrested, which is an allegory for the need for people to provide bail money for their friends if they get arrested, and also a social commentary on the oppressiveness of extradition treaties.

Now, all of this was brought home to me in the last week [when I found out that only me and Fr. Chad are running for Bishop of Knoxville. I've got some really exciting news! Fr. Chad and I are going to do a televised debate, which will be monitored by Stacy McCloud of the local CBS station. This is really really exciting! First of all, I'm going to spank Fr. Chad - you remember that debate where I debated Christopher Hitchins? Well - you know I'm a great debator. Basically, you can already count on me being Bishyp of Knoxville. Also, Stacy McCloud is a total hottie. Hubba hubba! Normally I don't get to see her because her show comes on at five in the morning.]. It was clear to me that you shouldn't trust Chloe's people, because they are tattlers.

But, the spirit speaks to us in many ways. I was reminded of [when Peevee ate H. Robert Williams' brain. Actually, I am reminded of that all the time, because for some reason, Peevee has decided to start doing an H. Robert Williams impersonation. I don't know if he thinks its funny or what, but it's mostly really irritating. I have to say though, he's pretty good at it. He's been writing these funny mission statements - they are so H Robert. I mean, he's always talking about the Noosphere and things like that.]

So, my sisters and brothers and nonspecific gender metaphorical siblings, let us open our minds, and ears to the spirit, and find ways to put into practice the constant admonition to be good stewards of the earth, to be church to one another, to enact reform of our institutions, and to seek above all to bring the spirit into the dark places of our own hearts.

Me? A Bishyp?

2008-01-24T19:52:00.000-05:00

Hey everybody! Sorry for being a bad 'blogger, but some really cool stuff has been happening and since I can't tell you about it in the homilies anymore, I suppose I better get to 'blogging. Like I always say: Keep on Truckin!

You won't believe this, but I called the Diocese office and apparently me and Fr. Chad of SSLI are the only two priests who have announced our candidacy for Bishop of Knoxville. The person at the "Chancery" tried to tell me that Bishops don't get elected, but I know they were just trying to keep me out of the race. I was a little worried about competition from the pastor around the corner, since we both attract the same demographic, but apparently he's busy and won't be running for Bishop.

So it's a two man race - just me and Fr. Chad. I think we can take 'em! After all, SOV2 has a lot more people than Fr. Chad's parish.

Just think! If I get to be Bishyp, then I can ordain whoever I want! Plus, SOV2 would get to be a cathedral! Just think: "The Cathedral of the Catholic Faith Community of Spirit of Vatican 2!" I am super-psyched.

Apparently there's some other things you have to do when you're a Bishyp such as you have to go to Rome to argue with the Pope and also you have to do "Confirmations" and then there's something with oil that I don't quite get.

On an unrelated note, please be patient with my friend Peevee Rajendajendan. He has never really gotten over the shock of eating H. Robert Williams' brain, and he's acting rather unusually lately. Yesterday he went on and on about wanting to write our mission statement. He's really getting on the nerves of Kip and the OCP guys & gals.

A couple more things:

Hey Ché... I hate to say this, but you're not being very church.

Agent Smith... please stop harassing Dr. Al Fakkir. Firearms are a part of his personal expression of faith and also a valid part of his culture. Haven't you seen those videos of all those muslims jumping around and throwing rocks and shooting things? It's just like firecrackers for them - totally harmless. If you would just leave the muslims in peace, then everybody would be fine.

Peace out!

Sermon Jan. 24, 2008

2008-01-24T10:25:00.001-05:00

Hey, Everybody!

It's me Che' president of the Hugo Chavez Church of Endogenous Peoples a division of HRW Inc. A lot of people are probably wondering what's going on and why we are having our coming together 4 the people assembly of sisters and brothers on Thursdays instead of on another day like Friday, Saturday, or Sunday. Well the reason is because we are a DIFFERENT kind of church and as far as we can tell nobody else does there thing on Thursdays. Also a lot of you probably want to go to other churches too and stuff and because we want to make sure to not cause problems for you we schedule our assemblies at 10 AM on Thursdays.

I know many of you are going to ask: "What's so Great about the Hugo Chavez Church of Endogenous Peoples?" Well I am going to tell you. Because we are really really rich and stuff we don't ask you to give any money EVER. If you want to make a LOVE GIFT that's cool but I have a lot of money now.

Also we never tell you what to do EVER! When you come to the assembly where whatever you want even if it does not conform to your so called biological identity or something. The only thing I ask is that you always wear a beret when your in the assembly to show that you are a part of the INVISIBLE GLOBAL COMMUNITY. Because here at the Church of Endogenous peoples everybody except Kip and the Republicans is welcome. Even Todd Turk. Also everybody needs to take a class on banner making.

My wife Molly has a few things to say:

Hey! If you are interested in yoga there is a sign-up sheet going
around for a class I am teaching. It's completely for free. All you
need is to do is make sure you put on one of these berets before you come to
class. Thanks.

AWESOME MOLLY! I don't know if I told you this before but Molly can actually bend backward and put her feet on her head. Show them how you can do that Molly! AWESOME!

Anyway, I see that a couple of you forgot to wear your berets to the assembly. There are more berets in the back of the room. Also make sure you bring a musical instrument from now on.

Cool.

Anyway I am dissapointed that Father Tim has still not come to any of the Churhc of Endogenous Peoples a division of HRW Inc. meetings. If some of the Brigade Commando Squadron Task Force Flame members can see if you can locate Father Tim and make sure he puts on a Beret I would be most appreciative. Heh... heh... hehh.... I mean COOL. AWESOME and STUFF. Bwaha.... bwaaaahahhaaahahahahha.....

Getting Married again except this time it's for real!

2008-01-23T09:58:00.000-05:00

Hey! Now that I am really rich again I decided to get married. So me and Molly are heading up to Gatlinburg right now. I'm not sure where we are going to register but, I think it's at Joann's Fabrics because if it's one thing you can't have too much of its felt.

Oh, if anybody knows Molly's last name can you tell me because I forgot what it is and I am too embarrassed to ask. I think it was something like Mooney or Looney or Clooney or something that ended with a double e sound.

Anyway I am also supposed to stop by some secret laboratory in New Tazewell for my new duties as Chief Operating Officer of HRW International Inc. It was pretty cool how they voted me in as president and stuff because I have never heard of them before or anything. The first thing I am going to do is donate lots and lots of money to Ralph Nader's Green Party. I am also going to make windmills and stuff.

Father Tim, what happened last night, I thought you were going to come by or something? I mean we had a blast making banners and singing songs by Prince.

Che'

Hey! Celebrate a NEW Church and Stuff

2008-01-22T11:21:00.000-05:00

Hey Everybody! I just got this check in the mail from something called HRW Inc. for 273,019,973.21 dollars. I'm not sure why but what the heck!

Come on over tonight and celebrate with me because, I know some of you are not happy with the OCP thing so I am going to start my own Hugo Chavez Catholic Church for Endogenous Peoples with the money. We will be giving away cans of heating oil and stuff.

Also I need people who can play the following musical instruments:

That didgerydoo thing people in Australia play
Tabourine (I can do this pretty well)
Pan Flute
Symbols
Lots of Drums like empty garbage cans and things
Steel drum
Bag Pipes

Also I need someone to see if they can arrange Imagine by John Lennon for those instruments I just listed above.

I also need banner makers and I need people who can make posters and things and I need people who are really good with making realistic looking statues of people (mostly womyn and stuff - if you can't make realistic statuse of womyn you can make something else if you want but I won't pay you.).

Also I need a lot of people who can clap in time to music and stuff.

I gave Keith 10,000 dollars to buy stuff for the party. He said make sure I give it to him in 5s and 10s for some reason. He said he would make sure it was AWESOME so he is getting our band LUV4U back together which is cool because I haven't seen Molly for awhile. I don;t know if you remember Molly but she was this girl who could touch the back of her head with her foot. I wanted her to try out for the Liturgical Dance Committee but she is a Vegan and stuff and said that she objects to church. She is an AWESOME dancer. She was at UT with me and she did performing dance.

Also, if you are a womyn you need to make sure you are skinny and have long hair and are under twenty-five years old. Unless you are Julia Roberts or Susan Sarandon or somebody really famous.

See YA!

Che'

Oh Yah! Father Tim you can come too but leave that Kip guy if you don't mind. And Agent Smith can you bring that video stuff you used to have at my apartment to monitor people who came in and out and stuff that I gave back to you after H. Robert was eaten? Thnx

Really Irritated

2008-01-21T00:55:00.000-05:00

I am very annoyed right now with the OCP presence here. They seem to be unnaturally happy, but at the same time controlling and just a general nuisance. The last time I saw people like these OCP followers was during my investigation of the Heaven's Gate cult. I almost expect them to break out the spiked Kool-Aid at any time.

Today I was monitoring the service from my usual vantage point to watch for signs of a disturbance. One of them had the nerve to try to tell me what to do. He said that I should have been following along in the OCP approved book and singing the songs with the rest of the crowd. I flashed my badge, and he got frightened and backed away.

Father Tim: You'd better tell those OCP'rs to steer clear of me before I decide to arrest them on the charge of interfering with a Federal investigation.

Agent Smith

Oppose Huckabee!

2008-01-20T20:12:00.000-05:00

Hey everybody. Boy am I mad. While visiting the website of a former friend, I came across this:

Whatever you do, DO NOT CLICK ON THE LINK and DO NOT SUPPORT MIKE HUCKABEE FOR PRESIDENT!

As I've often said, the only thing worse than a radtrad Catholic is a Southern Baptist. They're all pious and pharisaetical. And Huckabee's the worst of the lot! Did you know that he wants to replace the constitution with the bible? I've got the Liturgical Expository Art Team working on an anti-Huckabee banner now. Of course, it may take a couple of months for OCP approval, but we'll get it hung up there.

Homily, Sunday, January 20

2008-01-20T09:27:00.000-05:00

OCP Cycle A 012008 SJ/2

My dear friends in the Spirit,

In today's readings we are reminded our our need to be church to one another. In the first reading from Isaiah, we hear the prophet recognize the need for Social Justice, with particular focus on anti-semitism. Then we were treated to a beautiful rendition of the responsorial psalms, which was wonderfully representative of the fine liturgical music contained in the Oregon Catholic Press Breaking Bread Missal.

In the second reading, we hear Paul explain that we are all brothers and sisters. Further, Paul points out that all you have to do is call on Jesus' name to be saved.

Finally, in the Gospel, we see how Jesus was baptized by John, which is an allegory for the need for the laity to become more involved in the administration of the parish or faith community and the need to avoid clericalism.

Now, all of this was brought home to me in the last week [Hey everybody! This is the part where I get to say my own thoughts. Boy what a week - but first off, I have to apologize to anyone who was assaulted by the Gyno-Lesbians. It sure was a good thing that the Hugo Chavez Fan Club was here to take control of the situation. And I have to apologize to the Gyno-Lesbians for any ill-treatment they might have received as they were asked to not be church with us. The Hugo Chavez fan club is on fire with the Spirit, and sometimes they go a little too far in helping people to be more peaceable. Also, I've got some good news! Dr. Argot has made a generous anonymous donation to SOV2, with only the condition that we fire Clyde Hummins. So, Clyde, sorry to break it to you, but you can't be church with us anymore. Fidel? Raul - please escort Clyde from the liturgical interior. Thanks a bunch. Oh... sorry - Kip is winking at me and that means it's time to wrap the part where I get to talk about what I want]. It was clear to me that all you have to do is call on Jesus' name to be saved.

But, the spirit speaks to us in many ways. I was reminded of [that time that I fell out of a tree]

So, my sisters and brothers and nonspecific gender metaphorical siblings, let us open our minds, and ears to the spirit, and find ways to put into practice the constant admonition to be good stewards of the earth, to be church to one another, to enact reform of our institutions, and to seek above all to bring the spirit into the dark places of our own hearts.

PEOPLE MAKE ME REALLY MAD

2008-01-17T21:38:00.000-05:00

I AM SO MAD! Okay now I am calmer. I mean people don't seem to know that there is nothing more important than how people FEEL about stuff. Like if people are gay. They can't help it because that's the way the FEEL. And also if people happen to really like the way womyn look a lot (I mean the cute ones not the ones that aren't cute) and that's the way they FEEL then they shouldn't be called a name like a womyn-hater because the fact is they really like womyn which is why they like hanging out with them.

I think that's what being church is about. It is about me being able to do what I feel and telling you that if you feel that way you should do it. I mean the Church of Reason where Kerri went was just the opposite so I don't think they were a church at all because they didn't even believe in God or Goddess or Gaia or anything. They believed in contractural ethics which has nothing to do with a diseases though I thought it did which is part of the reason that Joan did not like me. But I didn't like her because she was really ugly.

I mean most of you people and I am talking about you people who keep criticizing SOV2 are really just horse riders who want to get on a horse and play polo and hit the horse and stuff.

So I am not taking it anymore.

H. Robert said if I ever felt that way that I was to hook this IPOD thing he had up to my computer and click on this thing that said hrobert_backup.exe. So that is what I am going to do.

I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF PEOPLE WHO DO NOT LIKE MY POETRY!

CHE

Sciigo

2008-01-16T14:17:00.000-05:00

Just some quick tidbits as I'm currently on a super secret project that's taking up much of my time:

The Listo Malpermesitaro has a new entry:

Eastward, Catholic Soldiers: F, H, NLU, POD

I could barely bring myself to enter that one with the use of the word "soldiers". I think it's an Orthodox site or something like that.

Great news from the National Catholic Reporter:

Concerns about bottled water are bubbling up in Catholic organizations, adding clout to a growing number of cities and secular organizations worried about the issue -- with women religious strongly in the lead. Numerous women’s religious orders are banning bottled water at their motherhouses, retreat houses and conference centers, and some are substituting refillable water bottles for the throw-away kind at sponsored events.

Works like this are an obvious reason why the patriarchy doesn't want womyn to be priests. They have a better instinctive understanding of what's really important.

And there's worrying news about the radtraddy menace. It looks like the diocese of Nashville has fallen:

Tridentine rite returns to Nashville Diocese
SPARTA. Women with black lace veils dripping loosely from their head knelt quietly and read along in their missals with Father Fred Schmit, S.D.S., as he said the prayers of the Mass in Latin.

Would that I had known that this was going to happen. I would have been there to tell them that "THIS IS SPARTA. And we do not need a return to the outlawed ways of yesteryear."

Dym Tim you're doing such a wonderful job. I knew that the OCP would be a big hit. And Che' just remember that Gaea is the only one you can give your heart to without danger. And Agent Smith... tell the park rangers to leave Dym Aspen alone. There is such a thing as seperation of church and State so they cannot interfere in our syblyngs ministering to creation.

being sad and stuff

2008-01-16T07:24:00.001-05:00

hey. well if anything good has happened to me except that's its not really good but actually pretty sad is that i found some stuff from h. robert. i mean, i had kind of forgotten about him. i know a lot of people didn't like h. robert for some reason but the fact was he always was encouraging me and saying nice stuff and stuff and even though he didn't like keith very much at least he put up with him.

i think that's important when you are church to each other is to look out for other people.

the church of reason which is where Kerri and i started to go said that everybody had to look out for themselves all the time and that the worst thing a person could do - they called it the "only sin" - was to give somebody something and not expect something in return. because that was really like trying to make an open contract. like joan who was the woman who was in charge of the church of reason said that when i gave Kerri the tennis anklet i was really expecting something from her but i didn't say what it was. so i shouldn't have given her anything or i should have made it clear in an open and contractual manner rather than attempt to put her in a position of unstated obligation. she said if i wasn't smart enough to figure out what the contractual obligation or embarassed by it that i was at too low a level of self-awareness compared to Kerri.

h. robert wasn't like that at all. he told me i should write poems and give them to people because that was like a present no one else can give them and stuff.

so i wrote this poem to Kerri:

Kerri. to me you are like a big K in a big grassy field place
when i close my eyes i can still see your face
i am feeling pretty bad
don't you remember how down snowy vale we would chase
each other all around the place
now i am just really sad

we lay on board my dad's big yacht
talking about that fish you caught
thinking about that stuff we thought
meant much more than money a lot
how i wish i were back in that spot
though sometimes it was kind of hot

'cause if i had a machine that could go back in time
i would not hesitate a dime
and tell my heart's just flickering flame
there are mountains in life you climb
which yield a joy so ethereally sublime
that loss and gain measure but the same.

Bad news.

2008-01-14T13:56:00.001-05:00

hey everybody. i'm feeling pretty depressed. in fact this is the first time i've done anything in about a weak. Kerri and i broke up. i don't really want to talk about it because she was really cool and now i realize that i am just a stupid loser and stuff. anyway, my dad is really mad at me and so he cut off the special allowance he was giving me and so i am back at the londontowne apartments if anybody is looking for me except i don;t know why anyone would want to talk to a LOSER like me because i am really just feeling pretty stupid and stuff.

Homily, Sunday, January 13

2008-01-13T09:33:00.000-05:00

OCP Cycle A 011308 SJ/3

My dear friends in the Spirit,

In today's readings we are reminded our our need to be church to one another. In the first reading from Isaiah, we hear the psalmist recognize the need for Social Justice, with particular focus on unjust imprisonment. Then we were treated to a beautiful rendition of the responsorial psalms, which was wonderfully representative of the fine liturgical music contained in the Oregon Catholic Press Breaking Bread Missal.

In the second reading, we hear Peter explain that we need to have World Government and that National Sovereignty is an outdated concept. Further, Peter points out that every nation is acceptable to the spirit.

Finally, in the Gospel, we see how Jesus was baptized by John, which is an allegory for the need for the laity to become more involved in the administration of the parish or faith community and the need to avoid clericalism.

Now, all of this was brought home to me in the last week [LOCAL CONTENT: ADVISE HOMILIST TO INSERT ANECDOTE CONCERNING PARISH EVENTS]. It was clear to me that every nation is acceptable to the spirit.

But, the spirit speaks to us in many ways. I was reminded of [LOCAL CONTENT: ADVISE HOMILIST TO INSERT ANECDOTE CONCERNING HIS OR HER FAMILY HISTORY]

So, my sisters and brothers and nonspecific gender metaphorical siblings, let us open our minds, and ears to the spirit, and find ways to put into practice the constant admonition to be good stewards of the earth, to be church to one another, to enact reform of our institutions, and to seek above all to bring the spirit into the dark places of our own hearts.

New Prayer

2008-01-10T21:07:00.000-05:00

Hey everybody. Well, our Liturgical Enhancement Committee has been hard at work coming up with new and relevant prayers for the part of the mass where we get to make up our own things (the part that the OCP doesn't mandate). Anyway, here is a great new prayer that really expresses worship from the viewpoint of a Thinking Catholic:

‘Spirit, I thank you,
that I am not like the rest of people,
conspicuous consumers,
self-righteous,
overly-devotional,
or even like the radical traditionalists.
I subscribe to "America".
I support my local VOTF.
I recycle and drive a Prius. Amyn’Peace out!

Homily, Sunday, January 6

2008-01-06T15:24:00.000-05:00

Hey everybody! Boy is it super to be back here in good old East Tennessee. That was a great retreat, and afterwards I went back up to Beantown to see some relatives. You wouldn't believe the "Patriots-Fever" that's going on up there! People in Boston are on-fire with the Spirit of the Patriots. And it got me thinking - the New England Patriots are a lot like the Trinity. You know how St. Patrick used the clover leaf to explain the Trinity to the Scots? Well, I'm going to use the New England Patriots to explain the Trinity to you.

Coach Bellichek is kind of like God. He's grumpy, he's old, and he's a genius. Boy is Coach Bellichek smart. He wins every single game. Tom Brady is kind of like the Holy Spirit, because he throws the ball through the air, and the Holy Spirit flies - so you can see the picture I'm getting at. Finally, Randy Moss is like Jesus, because he catches the ball and runs, but people are always trying to catch him and they can't. So although Coach Bellichek and Tom Brady and Randy Moss are all different people, they're all the New England Patriots when you put them together.

When I realized this, I had an Epiphony, which is cool, because today is the feast of Epiphony. Epiphony is Latin for "The day you take the Christmas Decorations Down." I normally don't like Latin, but it is amazing how a short word like Epiphony can mean so much. Anyway, some people say that this is the day that the Wise Men came to give gifts of Gold, Frankincents, and Mir. These gifts can also be represented by the New England Patriots. The three gifts that they have won for themselves are the Perfect Regular Season (that's the Mir), the AFC Championship (that's the Frankincents), and the Super Bowl (that's the Gold).

Now, onto a little housekeeping. This is the last homily that I'll be giving without help from the good folks at OCP. In the future, you'll see our OCP aide Kip Struthers standing in the Choir Loft by the teleprompter. Kip will be using a laser pointer to help me out if I start to go off track. You know me! Always yackin' about this and that! Anyway, I've seen some of the OCP homilies, and boy, are they super! Next week's homily is all about God and Social Justice.

Speaking of Social Justice, it's now time for us to read together the special Prayer for Immigrants. You'll find a copy of this in the pew chairs. I'll start. The response is "We are the Gift, We are the Giver." Ready?

O Great Spirit, we are a penitent people, and we petition you to redress our crimes
We are the Gift, We are the Giver
For the tired migrant worker, seeking a new life
We are the Gift, We are the Giver
For the ignorant immigrants who don't know how to be church
We are the Gift, We are the Giver
For the unjustly imprisoned rapists and meth-dealers
We are the Gift, We are the Giver
For people who don't love the earth and have families they can't support
We are the Gift, We are the Giver
For people who have to ride in the backs of pickup trucks
We are the Gift, We are the Giver
Now together...
O Great Spirit, who is our Womynsoul in the sky, speak to us in the privacy of our hearts, make us willing to learn foreign languages, help us to frequent ethnic restaurants and employ many landscapers and gardeners, we ask this in name of Social Justice, Amen.

Have a super Sunday, and Go Patriots!

The above homily has not been approved by the Oregon Catholic Press, and the OCP takes no responsibility for the content thereof. The OCP does not endorse any specific professional football teams, nor does the OCP make any predictions, express or implied, that the New England Patriots will win either the AFC Championship or the Super Bowl. In the event of a New England Patriots loss, the OCP reserves the right to delete this homily from the interweb and any applicable RSS feeds. The OCP does not find it coincidental that Randy Moss once played for the Minnesota Vikings and that Marty Haugen is from Minnesota. The OCP thanks you for your cooperation and understanding. By reading this message, you have tacitly agreed to purchase the 7 volume collection of poetry inspired by Marty Haugen and entitled "The People Afire". An invoice in the amount of $156.00 will be mailed to your home address. Please pay the invoice promptly to avoid collection fees and to ensure that your credit report remains unaffected.

To the Gorebertines

2008-01-06T11:24:00.001-05:00

I was just informed by the Park Rangers from one of the State Parks (I will keep the location quiet if you wish), that they found a strange-looking grove of trees in one of their trips up the mountain. In the center of the group of trees was one tree that had a roman collar tied around it. They thought it was a funny joke, so they left it up, but they would appreciate it if in the future you talked to them before having large ceremonies up on the mountain.

Agent Smith

Important Clarification

2008-01-06T10:05:00.000-05:00

To whom it may concern:

This blog is a PARODY blog. The characters here are all fictional. It is not intended to be spiteful or cruel to any particular individual or group of individuals.

We welcome comments when they are made in the "spirit" of the blog. We tolerate comments when someone has an issue with us. We insist people do not use this blog to attack each other.

"Cyber-Stalking" is an inapropriate means of confronting problems. As recent events in the news show, it can have very serious consequences for all involved. In no way could it every be considered appropriate for a Catholic to engage in that sort of activity. If someone here is involved in cyber-stalking I urge that person to find a way to deal with their grievances in an open, honest, and charitable manner.

Back from DC

2008-01-04T00:37:00.000-05:00

Hey all!

I just got back from DC and got situated back in my office last night. Agent Jones gave me a full briefing of everything that happened while I was away. Just a reminder to Dr. al-Fakkir: It is not legal to possess C-4 or the automatic weapons that you were attempting to purchase recently.

Agent Smith

Todd Turk

2008-01-02T08:07:00.000-05:00

Hey,

Just to let you know I found out Todd is fine. He went to re-education camp someplace in Oregon. What makes me mad is he borrowed my emergency credit card my dad loaned me to finance the trip and now it's maxed out which was pretty embarassing for me New Year's when I took Kerri out. I mean usually she pays but I wanted to pay this time and then it was like "Mr. Lovell do you have a different card?" Only I hardly ever take more than one card because its hard to put more than one card in my leather pants pockets because they are so tight and stuff. And also they make my shape look funny. And also I only keep my keys in my jacket pocket so I don't lose them.

Anyway. Happy New Year to everybody!

Che'

Hey Everybody!

2007-12-26T23:10:00.000-05:00

Hey! What a blast Solstice was. Kerri and I had a really cool time hanging with Tom Cruise and Katie. You wouldn't believe all the stuff Kerri and Tom had to talk about. I'm glad he is married already to Katie because I know that Kerri is pretty much his type. Kerri says that she thinks Scientology is pretty neat because it is so well organized but since she would have to move in at the ground floor she would happier thinking up her own scheme. I told her that I could probably help her get to OT XXX right away but she said it was going to be too much trouble.

Anyway we did get a chance to stop in at a church near Hollywood on Christmas Eve. It was really crowded so we left early.

Anyway, Kerri says that she likes Christmas in Europe a lot better because it is completely non-religious and stuff. She says basically it is just a time to exchange presents and eat a lot of food and nobody feels guilty or anything.

Anyway, I got Keri a new tennis anklet. My dad loaned me the money and stuff which is cool because I know a lot of people don't know this but diamonds are made out of carbon so that it's like buying $25,000 in carbon offsets.

Anyway, I hope nothing happened to Todd. Nobody answered the phone when I called.

See ya!

Che'

Arrests!

2007-12-23T15:46:00.000-05:00

Seasons Greetings! (The government does not permit me to use the "C" word because it might offend some people)

I finally got the go-ahead from my superiors to make some arrests with the growing tensions at SOV2--today I arrested some of the most violent demonstrators from the remaining groups in the parking lots. Dr. al-Fakkir was not too happy when I arrested the Palestinian ringleader, but he seemed to be more cooperative when I arrested one of the rationalists and one of the Mexican demonstrators too (Actually the most violent was the rationalist demonstrator). I have told the remaining members that they can remain where they are as long as they don't get violent.

There will be some follow-up paperwork, however; don't be alarmed if teams of agents come around to interview the witnesses about what happened during the rioting stage.

Agent Smith

P.S. Agent Jones, I would like you to keep an eye on the parking lot--I need to make a report to the top brass in DC and I leave tomorrow.

Joyous News

2007-12-21T11:03:00.000-05:00

I'm sure everyone has been wondering where I've been. Sorry for the secrecy, but there was a special gathering of Gorbertines. I'm still not at liberty to tell where. But it was a most joyous occassion. Based on the current push to force the patriarchal oppressors in Rome to accept Woman Priests, we in the Gorbertine order have taken a giant leap for all syblyngs. In this time of horror of our fellow tree syblyngs where they are forced from their homes and dressed ridiculously and tortured with burning lights, tinsel and small quantities of water we Gorbertines have ordained a syblyng tree as priest. Fellow syblyngs I give you Fr. Aspen surrounded by his deacons....

Fr. Aspen

Obviously we're keeping the location secret as there's nothing the Reagan-Ratzingerist Cabal would like better than to chop down Fr. Aspen and make him into pages for their outlawed missals of the forbidden mass.

On Retreat

2007-12-20T20:15:00.000-05:00

Hey everybody! Guess what! I got a chance to go on retreat this weekend and to stay over the Christmas holiday at the Glenmaryknoll Retreat House. This is great because next to Easter, Christmas is the biggest pain in the butt for me, with all the masses and all the people who normally don't come to church showing up and wanting things.

Anyway, Kip will be taking care of all the masses and things while I'm gone. Before I go, a little business:

1. Ché - tell Todd to start being church and stop his moping. If that doesn't work, call Fr. Juno. Oh, and have fun in Vale. Say hi to Ed Begley Jr. while you're there.

2. Gorebertines - you have the run of the rectory while I'm gone, but please DON'T GO INTO THE WEST WING! IT'S FORBIDDEN!

3. Ngyuen - see if you can set up my new Dell laptop - I haven't been able to get it to work.

4. Clyde - I insist that you stop seeing Mizz Argot. You're paid to clean up messes, not make them!

I think that's all the details. OCP will pretty much take care of the faith community while I'm gone. Have a joyous solstice!

This OCP thing

2007-12-19T21:45:00.000-05:00

Hey Father Tim!

Okay at first I was like okay with this whole thing with the OCP and stuff because I basically didn't understand it or anything. But Todd Turk shows up at our apartment. Not the one in London Towne which is where Keith is still hanging out but our new one at Campus Pointe. I mean Kerri has like spent a lot of money making it look nice and stuff so we can't have Keith over here. Kerri is AWESOME because she really knows what goes with what and she is all about good taste not like some of the other girls I used to date. I mean pretty much anything she says is always right.

Anyway Todd Turk is practically suicidal because he lost his job and Kerri is like "throw him out, remember how mean he was all the time because he made fun of you" and I was like "yah! but he's still a person and stuff" and she said "whatever" and stuff. So I let him in and he kind of collapsesin the living room on the genuine antique Afghan rug. I mean, and he smells like really cheap coffee a lot. I mean a whole lot. Because we only get our coffee from this internet place which gets it direct from Columbia and it's a lot better than what you can get someplace else because Kerri knows all these things.

Anyway, the Todd is all crying all the time and he's so greatfull and stuff but he keeps saying he's going to kill himself and then he drank all our coffee. And anyway, we're supposed to head out this weekend back to Vail to ski some more and I wonder about letting him stay here because he may actually kill himself and then the place might smell bad when we get back.

Che'

New OCP Dress Code

2007-12-18T22:20:00.000-05:00

Hey everybody! Kip wanted me to rush out this announcement so that everybody has time to get ready for the big Christmas celebrations. First off, here is the Christmas mass schedule:

Christmas Eve:

4:00 pm: Children's Mass
5:30 pm: Youth Mass
7:00 pm: Pet Mass
8:30 pm: Mexican Mass
9:45 pm: Mexican Youth Mass

Christmas Day:

12:00 am: Midnight Ecumenical Mass (with Al-Hasqa Mosque)
11:00 am: Christmas Day Mass

Whew! Now that that's over with, I have to tell you about a new policy. Apparently the OCP requires that, in order to conform to their liturgical guide, all faith communicants adhere to the dress code associated with the particular liturgical format of the mass that they're going to. Starting after Christmas, we're going to be having three different mass types:

One with the Spirit: This is a casual mass - let your hair down!
Burning with the Spirit: This is very similar to our current progressive mass
That Old Tyme Faithe: This is new to SOV2, it's a sort of traditional mass

Now, I know what some of you are thinking: "A traddie mass at SOV2!?" Well, I wasn't super happy about it either, but apparently OCP has done some studies and they think we can maximize our revenues by appealing to some of the traddie types, while luring them into a more progressive spirituality. So what the heck! I may have to bring Fr. Juno in to do some of the parts of the mass that I've forgotten how to do.

So, like I said, the OCP requires that in order to have a valid mass, the faith communicants must adhere to the dress code stipulated by the OCP liturgical guide. The following outfits are approved by OCP and can be purchased at their on-line site. The new OCP ushers will not let anybody into the worship space who doesn't conform to the new policy. So without further ado, in popular men's & womyn's styles, here are the new clothes you have to wear.

Old Tyme Faithe (traditional):

Burning for Change (progressive):

Moved by the Spirit (casual):

Some Changes at SOV2

2007-12-18T17:18:00.000-05:00

Hey everybody! Well, how do you like the new look of the 'blog? Our good friend Mr. Kip Struthers of the OCP told us that our 'blog was noncompliant with the style standards maintained by the OCP, so we had to change it to the way they think it should look. I kind of liked the old look, but since we're getting such a big discount on our bulletins and missals, we really have to go with the whole program.

On a related note, we've had to fire Todd Turk. While he was a super Liturgical Music Minister, he wasn't able to complete the OCP's rigorous training, and thus wasn't certified. Since under the terms of our contract with the OCP we have to have a certified music minister, we've replaced Todd with a Kareoke machine that OCP sold us at a very reasonable price. This is really a load off of our weekly liturgical planning meetings, since now we can use the preprogrammed liturgical plans that OCP provides us.

Also, I really should let you know that Kip will be concelebrating the masses with me so that he can get a feel for our liturgical rhythms. So don't mind him! He's a validly certified deacon with the OCP and can perform all the sacraments except foot-washing.

More later - I've got to run as I have a teleconference with Oregon and they get really mad if I'm late.

Peace out!

Kerri's response.

2007-12-12T22:42:00.000-05:00

Hey! Kerri jotted down her responses. She kind of talks funny like this sometimes and it sounds really mean and stuff but she is really nice. you have to hang out with us sometime to really appreciate her and stuff. She is teaching me a lot.

Section 1. Beliefs:

I only believe in myself and my ability with my rational mind to arrive at the objective truth concerning the nature of the universe.

Section 2. Values:
Since the universe is arbitrary and hence without cause or purpose what is essential is not what it or some imaginary being intends for me but what I intend to do with it. I must regard myself honestly and objectively. Virtue consists in maintaining my independence. To that purpose it is only in enlightening my mind and maintaining a healthy body that I can speak of good.

In regards to others and their perverse actions, to the degree they are like the irrational beasts governing themselves towards feelings and emotions which are products of subconscious thought, they may be disregarded as beneath my notice. Otherwise, the relation between rational men should be based only on contractual ethics.

Section 3. Faith:
Faith is a delusion and a crutch for the week-minded. Ultimately salvation lies only in knowledge, awareness, and in independence. It is enough for me that I lived well and with dignity.

Pre Canaanite Compatibility Test

2007-12-12T18:49:00.000-05:00

Hey Ché, I keep forgetting about this Pre-Canaanite test that the Vatican wants us to start doing. Actually, we're about to sign up for a test that is administered by the Oregon Catholic Press, so you're the last person to have to go through this with our SOV2 test. Since I already know you really well, you just have to get Kerry to take the test and send us the results so that we can tell you if you're allowed to get hitched. So here's our test:

Section 1. Beliefs:

Many peoples believe there's some sort of supernatural spirit that runs things. Circle the one you most agree with:

I believe in God - he has a white beard and is a male
I believe in the Spirit
I believe in one Darwin, the discoverer of Truth, the finder of Evolution. I believe in one Dawkins, only son of the Darwin, eternally begotten of the meme. I believe in the Hitchens, who proceeds from the Darwin and the Dawkins. With the Darwin and the Dawkins he is worshiped and glorified.
I don't believe in anything
I don't believe in anything except that whatever you believe is wrong

Section 2. Values:

We live in a pluralistic world with many cultures and valid life choices. Circle the statements that you agree with, and cross a line through those you disagree with:

Everybody's got to do their own thing
People have to do what I tell them to do
Womyn have the right to terminated unwanted pregnancies
Men should be able to tell Women what to do with their bodies
This country would be better off run by Womyn
A Woman's place is in the home
Children should be raised by the civil authorities, if at all
I want my children to refuse medical treatment and die
It is fun to have lots of anonymous sexual partners
You go to hell if you have sex
Same-sex attraction should be encouraged
I want to kill all queers

Section 3. Faith:

We live in a pluralistic world with many faiths and valid faith choices. Circle the statements that you agree with, and cross a line through those you disagree with:

The Catholic Church is an evil oligarchical patriarchical institution of oppression
If you're not Catholic, you're going to hell
I want my children to be altar boys/girls
The only good thing about my kids being altar servers is that they would get a chance to validly explore their sexuality with a Womynpriest
I believe in transubstantiation (the thing about body & blood & bread & wine)
I'm partial to crackers and grape juice served in clay goblets made by 3rd graders
A church building should look like a church, steeple & all!
Any liturgical interior is equally valid. What's important is a comfortable and welcoming community center.
I will force my family to wear suits and dresses to mass
I once attended mass in a "Free-Tibet" thong

Congratulations Che!

2007-12-10T22:30:00.001-05:00

I'm so happy that you, too, have found your soul mate! I hope you & Kerri are as happy as BD & I.

Also, please let me extend an apology to all SOV2iers. I've been so devastated by the oppression happening to the WomynPrysts in St. Louis (of course, they are holding strong & refusing to accept such unilateral, misogynist treatment, but still, it's distressing), and so caught up in my prison ministry and, well, my own personal happiness that I haven't been around much. Please be assured that I will not neglect my duties in future!

Dym Tym, BD has mentioned that he & his brothers have many opportunities that could help generate cash for the Faith Community; they only need the space & privacy to pursue them, for which the rectory would be perfect. He says don't worry about them getting through the parking lots, as he & "the guys" could easily set up ramps & jump their hogs over the blockades.

Update...

2007-12-10T18:54:00.000-05:00

I talked to the Knoxville police yesterday--they don't want to come anywhere near the grounds of SOV2. The chief said that they get about 30-50 calls to dispatch daily complaining about this community--a note to the neighbors: there wont be any arrests for disturbing of the peace; at least not yet. My superiors have not given me permission yet to move in and break up the situation, so things will stand as they are for the time being.

Agent Smith

Carbon Offsets 4 Sale

2007-12-10T07:31:00.000-05:00

Hey!

I am always amazed by my fiancee's Kerri's business sense. She is really smart which is why I totally love her absolutely 100%. She is so cool. But to be honest Kerri maybe hasn't always cared about environmental stewardship as much as I have and so we've been talking and she decided that maybe we could work together and find away of combing SOCIAL CONCERN and FIRMLY SOUND ECONOMIC PRINCIPLES. So she has decided to help people who want to be GREEN.

Anyway if you remember a while back I was selling SOV2 trees? Well this is like taking SOV2 trees to a new level. Kerri has taken some of her money and founded a research lab: The Albert Gore Junior Center for Really Awesome Green Energy Research. I named part of it. Basically the way it works is that it is going to solve all the energy problems by producing energy from sunlight, wind, rain, tides, geothermal, and carbon free biofuels like methanol but NOT NUCLEAR.

Anyway as you know right now you and your SUVs are producing something like 5000 million tons of CO2 a year. Divide that by 6 billion or so people and... wait let me get my calculator... Hey Kerri! Whats 5000 million divided by 6 billion? Oh yah. Thanks! Anyway basically you produce about a ton of CO2 a year because you don't care about the environment. If you are an American multiply that by 5 because you are fat and lazy and watch too much TV. If you are canadian multiply by 2 because you store your beer in some old refridgerator. Anyway, that's your Carbon footprint.

So, the research lab is going to eliminate all that. We estimate its going to cost us something like 75 trillion dollars. Now if you take the 75 trillion dollars and divide by 5000 million you will find that... wait... okay... here it is 25,000 dolars per ton of CO2. Okay, so basically that's what it's going to cost per person on Earth too. Anyway, I know it's like really hard for a lot of you to do math because you aren't trained scientists like me and Al Gore and stuff but what I am saying is that if you are an American you owe me 125,000 and if you are Canadian you owe me 250,000.

And don't think I am thinking I am somehow above making environmental sacrifices. I am going to be CEO and pay myself a really reasonable salary of 500,000. Half of that I am going to donate to my own company. So I am only going to make 250,000 a year which is really cheep for a CEO.

Che'

Sideline Warning!

2007-12-07T22:33:00.000-05:00

This is for the groups located in the parking lots now--I am giving you a warning. Stop the rioting before something bad happens.

Agent Smith

I'm getting married!

2007-12-07T21:40:00.000-05:00

Hey! I popped the question and Kerri said yes! I am so really excited now. Basically I just came down the double black diamond on my ski board after my Dad's helicopter had dropped us off and she was right behind me so I wiped out on purpose and she landed on top of me and we were all tangled up and stuff and that's when I told her I wanted her to be my double diamond forever and so I gave her a five carat perfect diamond engaagement ring set in emeralds and stuff. I don't know much about that kind of thing but my dad wanted me to giver her that because he is so much for me settling down and stuff. She looked awesome in her pink Dior skiing miniskirt and the pink ski beret I designed. I am hoping Pucci who is awesome will pick up on the ski berets I make which have give you a South American feel ebcause thay have AWESOEM slopes in the Andes that a lot of people don't know about but I skiied as a kid on vacation with my dad when he was going to Argenina a lot.

Anyway, since she wants an outdoor wedding, my dad is going to fly everybody out to Bali on his companies private jet and write it off as a business expense. Father Tim we are hoping you will come and officiate. I also hope I meet some of the U.N. Then we are going to a private Safari honeymoon in Zimbabwe.

Che'

Support SOV2

2007-12-06T22:18:00.000-05:00

Hey everybody! Well, as you may know, SOV2 has fallen on hard financial times. While we have been saving a lot of $$$ by getting discounts from OCP for our hymnals and bulletins, some of the "ancillary" costs have really been eating into our collection. The certification training for our ushers was very expensive, and the special audits that OCP provides aren't cheap either. Also, to be compliant to the OCP's rigorous musical standards, we had to hire a number of local musicians to supplement Todd's various choirs. To cap it all off, it's very expensive to feed all those Palestinians and Undocumented Guest Workers who are living on the SOV2 campus. I wish that whole loaves & fishes thing would work for me! (I tried it earlier, but sure enough, there was still only one fish and five loaves).

The last straw is that Dr. Argot is getting a divorce from Mz. Argot, who as you may know, was one of our local TV news personalities before she hooked up with our benefactor. Apparently Mz. Argot was having some sort of affair with Clyde Hummins, our groundskeeper. But that might just be a rumor, and even if it is true, you can't blame Clyde. I mean, have you seen Mz Argot? Hubba hubba! Anyway, Dr. Argot is a little upset with SOV2 right now, even though I already approved his annulment. So I'm a little nervous about approaching him for money. So anyway, I would like you to consider starting something called "tripletithing", where you basically give 30% of your aftertax earnings to SOV2. This is an investment in your future, people!

We're going all out to save costs as well. I've retained a consultant from OCP to help us manage our finances. I had to drain the $100k out of our rainy day fund to pay the consultant fee, but I'm sure that they will be able to help us get back on a firm financial footing. Also, we're doing some fundraisers. This month, we will begin selling a line of clothes featuring famous catholics. There's an image below of the first feature, which is called "Hugoroos." Please purchase several pairs - they're only $17.99 each. Thanks for your support!

We are a Faith Community

2007-12-05T14:04:00.000-05:00

Hey! Kerri wrote this song for us after I just told her a little bit about us. She said writing it really cheered her up which I am pretty sure that means that she is starting to get the SOV2 spirit. I think it's pretty cool because she left the church a while ago.

We are a Faith Community
by Kerri Erpenblech

I am church and so are you
I am priest and priestess too
Sharing the eu-char-ist's that's me,
According to our self's ab-il-i-ty,

Around our campus community,
You'll find signs of our diversity!
With each banner that proclaims,
The great Feminist Thinkers' names!

(Refrain)
We are a Faith Community
I'll facilitate you, you'll facilitate me!
'Cause we're on a spiritual journey!
So sing a song of harmonious melody!

Let's respect other's dignity,
In a way that's sure to please,
Teaching the children to adore,
The variety of forms of love in store.

(Refrain)

We'll do our parts to steward the Earth,
Do what we can to reduce births,
Eating only granola and soy,
We'll sing our Mother's praise with joy.

(Refrain)

Parking Lot

2007-12-04T21:39:00.001-05:00

Hey everybody! I'd like to take a minute or two to give you some advance info on how to get into the worship space next Sunday, given all the problems with the parking lots.

As you know, the Southeast Parking Lot has been completely occupied by Chief Nils Larssen and his Natyve Amerycans, and Dr. Al-Fakkir's Palestinian refugee friends have completely ringed the parking lot with the burning tire fire, so basically, you can't get to SOV2 from Spirit Lane. You'll have to come up Dry Gap Pike to the Northwest Parking Lot. As you know, we still haven't repaired the trench that the Hugo Chavez battalion dug when Fr. Kane was here, so only those SOViers with SUV's will be able to make it through. Why not be church to one another and give another faith communicant a ride to SOV2 this Sunday?

Some of you may be tempted to park on the Southwest lawn. I strongly encourage you not to do this. Last weekend, we offered SOV2 to be sanctuary to some undocumented immigrants, and now they are camped on the Southwest Lawn to mount their protest to their right to live in the Parking Lot:

Meme response

2007-12-03T07:38:00.000-05:00

Hey!

Sorry I haven't been around much. Kerri and I have been looking for matching snow board outfits for our trip to Vale and there is no selection at all in Knoxville so we went up to Burlington Vermont to see what they had. Plus Kerri has had to talk to the FBI agents like fifteen times about the trust fund. Basically she's allowed to keep all the money as long as she testifies against her folks at the grand jury hearing next week. I mean, she is a bit upset and all but not so much because she didn't like them either.

Anyway, here are eight random facts about me:

1. I punched Sean Penn by accident once
2. I killed L. Ron Hubbards brain by accident with germs
3. I don't have any body thetans at all
4. My favorite movie star is Julia Roberts
5. I designed a special Beret you can wear in the shower
6. I probably know more about Economo-Socio-Political-Feminist-Ideological-Enviro-Activisim than anybody else
7. I own one of the only existing copies of Fungoids by Enoch Soames
8. In fourth grade I one my class spelling bea

Meme

2007-12-02T22:44:00.000-05:00

Hey! I got "tagged" for another "meme"... this time by Therese at Aussie Coffee Shop. Here goes...
First of all, the "rules"

....Here's what you do:~Each person starts with 8 random facts/habits about themselves and post these guidelines. ~At the end of the post, choose 8 people to be tagged and list their names.~Don't forget to leave a comment telling them that they are tagged and to read your blog. Have fun!

I performed the wedding for Art Garfunkle's cousin Clevis Garfunkle
Before I became a "priest", I was an amateur cave-bat enthusiast
I own a number of crystals & have a pewter dragon collection
I currently drive a Cadillac Escalade
I am allergic to unleavened bread
When I was 7, I was a children's underwear model for the Dayton/Hudson Department Stores
I know all the words to "Paradise by the Dashboard Lights"
I am addicted to Vegemite & Jaffas (not together!)

I now "tag" the following 'bloggers:

Adrienne at Adrienne's Catholic Corner
Eegahinc at B Movie Catechism
Paul at Thoughts of a Regular Guy
Fr Chad at SSLI
Ché
Ma Beck at Ward Wide Web
Chief Nils Larssen (wherever you are)
Stephanie at Digital Hairshirt

Most of these 'bloggers were "tagged" because I know how much the hate the word "meme" that my friend Dick Dawkins invented. Except for Ché, who loves "memes."

What's going on?

2007-12-01T21:19:00.000-05:00

Hey! Everybody chill out. I am really against all this "this is my land" stuff. Can't we just find common ground? Now, I completely support Dr. Al-fakkir's plan to use the parking lot as a refugee camp for palestinian refugees, but the tire burning was uncalled for.

It really disrupted the tour we were giving to some people from the Oregon Catholic Press. Let me tell you, they were very disappointed, and if we don't make a good impression on them, we might not get the 17% discount on the new choir they're sending us. Scenes like this aren't very helpful: