The Remains of SOV2

Oh What a Tangled Web We Weave

Some of you may be wondering what happened last night with the explosion and all. Once the bonfire was lit, massive fighting erupted from the Palestinians in the parking lot. They managed to cause the fire to spread--igniting the aspen trees that were meant to become priests, which in turn ignited the SOV2 building. Che had already started the countdown on the rocket, but the fire caused it to malfunction and detonate early, and the explosion from that caused the liquid hydrogen to erupt. Dr. Fakkir's ammo supplies and Keith's drugs were just fuel for the fire. So SOV2 is no more.

Miraculously, some of the parishoners were unharmed by the explosion--here is what happened to them:

Che Lovell--with the help of PeeVee, I was able to remove the beret (now I know why our tech calls are sent to Pakistan). I convinced the judge that without the beret Che was harmless. He was sentenced to 6 months in jail and 5 years of community service.
With the help of PeeVee/H Robert, I was able to upload a virus into the Vista OS which caused it to crash and wipe out the Vista version of H Robert and the files on HRI
Fr. Tim--was going to be arrested for various crimes, but he had some useful information, which he used to stay out of jail and be placed in protective custody... I cannot divulge his location now.
Dr. al-Fakkir--most of the Palestinians were killed in the explosion, Dr. Fakkir and the remaining troops were taken by Homeland Security and sent to Guantanamo Bay, Cuba
Keith--was arrested for illegal drugs. He will be serving time as Che's cellmate.
H Robert/PeeVee--took a post at one of the leading Universities in India. The two personalities are still clashing--should make for some interesting lectures.
Curt Kane--and the Brothers of Love were all arrested. He will be serving time on federal charges.
INS rounded up the migrants in the parking lot, and they are being sent back to their countries of origin.
The Sybs--were found to be no threat, although Syb Bob will serve some time on drug charges
The Native Americans in the parking lot decided that they had had enough and were moving back to their reservation
The Borgias from SSLI--were arrested for tax evasion. We were sure that there were other crimes committed, but nothing else would stick.
The Truly True Knights were arrested and disbanded--several gruesome murders were discovered.
The SSLI church was destroyed from an aftershock of the explosion at SOV2

Hello?

Hello... some friends of mine who attend St. Albert the Great said that they saw a large flash of light and heard a loud noise near the Spirit of Vatican II church. I am checking with you to see if you are OK. Happy Easter!

ALL IS FULFILLED

Hey! Now is the hour of our Triumph! In the setting sun of the dawn of a new day, we the Faith Community of Spirit of Vatican II hereby usher in a new morning of Catholic Ecumenical Spiritualism! All is prepared - nothing can stop us now from fulfilling the destiny of Vatican II. Let us bravely march forward, beginning tonight at the Vernal Equinox and Foot Washing Feast of the Election of Tim Plarvik!

The liturgical dance competition begins in 1/2 hour. The vernal bonfire lighting is only 1 1/2 hours away. See you there!



Peace out... no... wait a second....

PEACE IN!

Enough is Enough

I have put not said anything about how I felt about this parish because most of the people were under investigation. But I need to say this now:
You people are crazy--voting for Bishops, ordaining trees, allowing migrant workers and homicidal Palestinians to take over the parking lots, mind-control berets, rockets pointing down at the parish. When I begin with the arrests, I think that the people of Knoxville will feel a lot safer. I think that after the bonfire, it will finally be time to reveal the results of my wiretapping and investigations. I have enough information to arrest several key figures from the SOV2 parish now... More on this later.

Agent Smith

Hey! I'm the Bishop!

Hey everybody! I've been up all night thinking about how cool it is that I'm the Bishop of Knoxville. So let's get started right away. With my new power as Bishop, I officially declare the following people to be saints:

Rob Lowe: Patron Saint of Video Production
Phil Donohue: Patron Saint of People Who Ask Questions
Martin Sheen: Patron Saint of Ohio
Charles Curran: Patron Saint of People Who Answer Questions
Richard McBrien: Patron Saint of Condom Manufacturers
Andrew Sullivan: Patron Saint of Gay Nightclub Owners
Joseph O'Leary: Patron Saint of Circus Novelty Vendors
Stacy McCloud: Patron Saint of Knoxville
Dorothy Day: Patron Saint of the Appalachian Regions
Doris Day: Patron Saint of 1950's Movies
Albert Gore, Jr.: Patron Saint of Hot-Air Balloonists
Dr. Argot's cousin Ricky Argot: Patron Saint of Collection-Basket Weavers

Also, I declare today to be "The Feast of the Election of Tim Plarvik", and anyone who comes to SOV2 or makes an internet donation will receive 14 carbon offsets.

Now let's get out there and wash some feet!

Peace out!

VICTORY!

HEY! WELL, THE LAST POLLS HAVE CLOSED AT THE MELLOW MUSHROOM CAFE, AND WITH 75% OF THE PRECINCTS REPORTING, WE HAVE A LANDSLIDE VICTORY IN THE CAMPAIGN TO MAKE ME THE NEW BISHOP OF KNOXVILLE.

HEY! I'M THE BISHOP!

Wow! I'm really overwhelmed by all of your support and all of the great stuff that you all did to help me become Bishop. Those yard signs, bumperstickers, and other things really must have done the trick. Plus, the opposition just wasn't able to get their demographic to respond. It really hurt the "official" candidates that up until the last minute, the diocese kept insisting that there wasn't an election underway.

So now what? You've voted for change, and you've got it. My first order of business is to bring healing to the divisiveness that has characterized this election and all of the other Bishop stuff. I'm going to bring healing by bringing people together, ending exclusion.

My first act as Bishop will be to cancel all of the Latin masses in Knoxville. You said "No!" to the Motu when you voted for Tim Plarvik. My second act as Bishop will be to preside over the ordination of thirty seven new womynpriests, plus one hundred and forty three aspen trees tomorrow at SOV2.

I'm really excited about tomorrow's feast of the Vernal Equinox and Foot-Washing Ceremony. After the ordination, me and all of the new womynpriests are going to lead the foot-washing - this year everybody will be washing everybody else's feet - just the way that it happened at the Last Supper.

I'm so excited that everyone will be here tomorrow. My good friend Fr. Curt Kane will be here, as well Dr. Al-Fakkir, Peevee Rajendajendan, Mother Maryann McGronk, Ché, Todd, Clyde, Ngyuen, Britnee, Syb Bob & Syb Madison - basically everybody but Fr. Juno and H. Robert. Don't forget to bring your epson salts for the foot washing.

Have a super night, and PEACE OUT!

Peace Upon You

Hello. Peace be upon your houses. I congratulate you in the name of peace and supplication on your upcoming pagan festival which will bathe you in blood and wash clean the stink of semitic uproariousness. If the fleas of the dogs of your rotten capitalist zion empire are not found to be in the the building that you call a church, then I will be mistaken. Many of my cousins in the struggle will join me and reject the futile barbarism of your western ways of the pig. Peace be upon your house.

Hello Once Again

Greetings to all of you at SOV2. It is I, Fr. Curt Kane, and I have returned. It is a pleasure to be here in Knoxville again, and I'm sure you will be most pleased to know that I and the Brothers of Love will be in attendance at tomorrow's celebration of the Equinox. In the name of Gaia, let us open ourselves up to sacrificial giving and make a love offering of our selves, our time, and mostly our treasure. The Brothers and I will be taking up a special collection for the poor of Appalachia tomorrow, so please bring your checkbooks and jewelry to SOV2.

Also, while driving into Knoxville, we saw an itinerant vagrant person wandering on I-40 who looked vaguely familiar. When we stopped the caravan, we found that it was Todd Turk. Todd is now traveling with us and will be at SOV2 tomorrow as well.

Until tomorrow,

I remain,

Fr. Curt Kane

Note to Fr. Tim

Someone from the INS came to me today and wanted to ask questions about the people in the parking lot. Apparently when they first heard about all of the migrants on the SOV2 grounds, they reported this to their superior, and they finally got through with all the opening paperwork for the case yesterday--now they are ready to move on the subjects in the parking lot. They want to talk to you tonight.

Agent Smith

Public Service

Curt Kane has been spotted in Knoxville! Please call my office immediately if you see him.

Agent Smith

Vernal Equinox Schedule

Sisters and Brothers.

Here is the schedule for the festivities for March 20th. As you can see it will be a busy and joyous day!

6:00 AM, Morning sunrise salute to the sun (gather at 5:30 AM for donuts and coffee)
6:30 AM, Special talk on Eastern Religious Meditation practices by PeeVee
8:00 AM, Service of Regret for crimes against the Earth and Indigenous Peoples, ashes will be distributed for you to throw at republicans to show that they should be ashamed of themselves
9:00 AM, dedication of new John F. Kennedy Faith Formation Wing with Phil Donahue
10:00 AM, Symposium begins with demonstration of adaptation of Table of Plenty arranged for nontraditional instruments
11:00 AM, Social Justice committee talk on importance of consolidating labor union with government
12:00 PM, Mass of Joy, clowns and balloons with Liturgy of Communion of Unity (Special organic rice cakes and fermented coca plants instead of traditional species)
1:00 PM, Meal of Solidarity with indigenous people and migrant laborers on SOV2 grounds - (V.I.P. meet in rectory)
2:00 PM, Drawing of names for new pastoral council
3:00 PM, Presentation of Lifetime Achievement award to Robert Mapplethorpe
4:00 PM, Special Town hall meeting - codifying dietary practices in modern faith communities
5:00 PM, First annual Spirit of Vatican 2 liturgical dance competition
6:00 PM, Mass of Tomorrow - celebrating a future full of possibilities and progress
7:00 PM, Lighting of the Vernal Bonfire

H. Robert Williams

P.S.: Please avoid walking directly under the rocket perched above the gathering space as large chunks of ice have been falling off it in recent days especially since the sudden departure of the liquid hydrogen tankers.

Get out the Vote!

Hey! Just a reminder that it's your turn to make your voice heard in the big election of the Bishop of Knoxville. Don't forget to go to the polling places tomorrow and cast your ballot for me, Tim Plarvik. In case you missed the flyers, pamphlets, and direct mailings, as a reminder, there are two places you can vote: one is the Weigel's at the intersection of Dry Gap and Cunningham, and the other is the Mellow Mushroom Cafe in Market Square.

Peace out!

Transcript of First Bishop of Knoxville Debate

Disclaimer: The real Stacy McCloud has nothing to do with this debate. All references to Stacy McCloud are only here because, well, she's the hottest "media personality" in Knoxville. If Fr. Chad or Dym Tim Plarvik existed, they would never be able to get Stacy McCloud to moderate their debate.

Hi everybody, and welcome to the first ever debate between candidates to become the Bishop of Knoxville. I'm Stacy McCloud, and I'm very pleased to be able to be the host and moderator of this debate. I'd also like to thank the generous people of the Western Avenue Shoney's for hosting this debate. As a reminder, both of our candidates, Dym Tim Plarvik of Spirit of Vatican II, and Fr. Chad LeJanvier of the Society of St. Leo I, will have a chance to answer each question. There will be no interruptions permitted, and at Dym Plarvik's request, neither candidate is allowed to leave their podium. And now, without further ado, let's begin the debate. My first question goes to Dym Plarvik. Why do you want to be Bishop of Knoxville?

Hi Stacy. It's great to be here, and it's particularly nice to meet you. Thanks so much for agreeing to moderate this event. When I think about why I want to be Bishop, I can't help but think about when I was a little boy and I had my first puppy. He was a little Cocker Spaniel named "Chartwell." I think a diocese is a lot like a puppy, and just as I had to learn as a little boy how to raise a Cocker Spaniel, so I think that now that I'm grown up, I should get to be a bishop. Plus, I'd be a much better Bishop than our former Bishop or any of the other candidates.

When I first started seminary, the changes brought about by Vatican II were taking full effect. High altars were ripped apart, Latin was banished, and Tabernacles were replaced by "prayer labyrinths". I knew the powers of darkness had taken hold in the Church and that I was called to turn back the tide, despite numerous vocation directors' protestations to the contrary. Once again, I have received this call. God Himself wills that I be Bishop.

If you were Bishop of Knoxville, what would you do to help the waterfront development project?



We tend not to get involved on these so-called "social justice" issues. Though if Vincenzo were still around he might, in his words, "take care of it."



Great question, Stacy. I think it's wrong for a city not to develop its waterfront. Unless that development comes at the price of being environmentally unconscious. I mean, hey! We've all got to live on the same earth here. That's why I count myself as an Earthfriend. If I get to be Bishop, and someone came around saying "hey! let's develop the waterfront, but we're going to have to kill a bunch of tuna" then I would be solidly opposed to that. But if someone said "hey! let's have an ecologically friendly waterfront in the spirit of Rachel Carson" then I'd say "hey! cool!" and we'd be fine with that.

If you were Bishop of Knoxville, would you wear the funny hat, or dress normally?




I would definitely wear the hat - not out of respect for some crazy tradition, but because it's a way of proclaiming to the world - hey! I'm a Bishop! But when I wasn't on the job, I'd just dress normally - sweatpants & Birkenstocks - I gotta be me!

First of all, IT'S CALLED A MITRE! And of course I would wear it, it is part of the Traditional rubrics. Perhaps in the Novus Ordo this has been relegated to some sort of "option," I do not know as I refuse to have anything to do with such things. I will, however, ensure my mitre be the tallest worn in the Americas.

I will also bring about the return of the fiddleback, biretta, rochet, episcopal gloves, cappa magna, and so forth.

The Bishop of Knoxville gets to live in a mansion, while many people in Knoxville have to live in cardboard boxes or trailers. If you were Bishop of Knoxville, would you keep living in the mansion, or would you move into a cardboard box?


I believe that the Exulted Position of Bishop should come with all the trappings appropriate to such High Office.



Great question, Stacy. You know, I already live in a super cool rectory, which came as a gift from Dr. & Mizz Argot, so it would be really a question of whether the Bishop's mansion was better or worse than the rectory I have now. I mean, if I was Bishop, I could pretty much choose whether or not to live in the SOV2 rectory or not. As for the cardboard box thing, I think it would be wrong to interfere with the vocational solidarity of those people who are already showing a preferential option for the poor by co-opting their pre-existing communion with the homeless.

What year was the Council of Trent concluded?




That's a weird question. I think it was 1930.



1563. Fr. Plarvik never was any good at Ecclesial History.




I'm not Catholic, but if I wanted to be a priest, why couldn't I be one?




BLASPHEMOUS WENCH! Do you not know that God Himself has forbid the weaker sex from entering the Holy Order of the Priesthood? For in the Epistle to the Corinthians, it is written: "Let women keep silence in the churches for it is not permitted them to speak but to be subject, as also the law saith."

Great question, Stacy. You know, lots of "Catholic" womyn ask themselves that all the time. And you know what? That's a good question. When I'm Bishop, I'm going to put a stop to sexism and racism in choosing priests. One of my first actions will be to ordain a whole bunch of womynpriests so that our diocese can be served by the divine feminine.

Aren't all Catholics idol worshippers? What's with the statues?




No no no.... Stacy, Stacy, Stacy... you're caught up in a pre-vatican II mentality about Catholics. Vatican II did away with all that stuff. Did you know that there's not a single statue in our faith community that is recognizable as what it is supposed to be? We've got a lot of free-form art and stuff, which is our way of breaking with the pre-Vatican II tradition of worshipping idols.

Only an iconoclastic heathen would ask such an absurd question! Statues, especially if weeping or buried upside down, are efficacious in receiving favors from God. We do not "worship" them.


Don't Catholics pray to Mary?




Catholics pray to Mary because she is the Mediatrix of all Graces. Her Mercy stays the Vengeful Hand of her Son.



Well - yeah, I guess some catholics do that, but that's only because the oligarchical heirarchy of the Vatican had to defuse the proper anger of peoples who realized that the divine feminine was being co-opted by a patriarchical cabal of misogynists. When people realize that it's all about mother nature, and Gaia and whatnot, then they don't need to have Mary anymore. Get it? Not that Mary isn't all right, but she was a little too obedient, at least in the "mainstream" gospel accounts. There are some really good historo-critical exegetes who show that Mary was really a countercultural freedom fighter, a sort of gorilla-warfare expert. Which is cool.

Who was UT's quarterback when the Vols defeated Miami in the Sugar Bowl?




Does this have something to do with rugby?




Was it Pat Summit?




Do you feel like in today's troubled world it is desirable to recapture a pre-Chalcedonian soteriology centered around the Monophysite Christological theorum, or would doing so risk a return to Nestorianism?


.......maybe



As many SSLI seminarians can relate, those who do not embrace Chalcedon are dealt with most severely during formation; Fr. Heidrich still has the scars. Only those who accept the authority of Antipope Hilarius or any post-Vatican II pontiff are disciplined more harshly. So the answer is no, pre-Chalcedonian soteriology is right out. Rather I would recommend the writings of Cornelius Jansen as the foundation for a soteriological model.

You do know that the Bishop of Knoxville doesn't get elected, don't you? My research indicates that Bishops get appointed by the Pope. What is your view on this issue?


Quoting from the Catechism of the FSSLI, written by Fr. Chadwick LeJanvier, SSLI:

"Under normal circumstances, Bishops are appointed by the Pope. However Pope Benedict has succumbed to the evils of Vatican II. This heresy makes the Pope incapable of choosing an appropriate bishop for the Diocese of Knoxville. THE GATES OF HELL SHALL NOT PREVAIL AGAINST THE CHURCH! A Bishop must exist in order to continue the True Tradition of the Church unto the End of Time. This presents an extraordinary situation in which Bishops may be elected. Therefore it is the DUTY of all Truly Traditional Catholics to continue the Sacred Mission of the Church by electing moi, Fr. Chadwick LeJanvier, your Bishop."

You know, the people at the Diocese office keep saying that the Bishop gets appointed, but I know that's part of their conspiracy to keep me & Fr. Chad from running. I mean... come on! This is a democracy.

Fr. Plarvik - public records show that your parish has experienced two riots, a meth-lab explosion, several people disappearing, seventy-two civil lawsuits, and is currently providing sanctuary to 1,560 illegal immigrants. Not to mention that it is reported to be under investigation by the TBI, FBI, and Homeland Security. If you were Bishop, is this the kind of activity we would expect to get to cover as journalists?

Well, Stacy, I have to say that if I get to be Bishop, a lot of that stuff would have to stop, because it's one thing for the community to reach out and try to put down an "upstart" faith community that doesn't have the protection of the dioceses, and it's another thing to try to put obstacles in the way of a Bishop. I mean, do you really think these rednecks around here would mess with me if I was bishop? No way. And those folks at TBI, FBI and whatever would have to just shut up, because I'd be calling the shots. So basically, yes and no, because alot of the things we do at SOV2 would get to be done over all of Knoxville, like sheltering undocumented migrant workers, and having a preferential option for the poor. Plus, when I'm Bishop, I'm going to shut down the Oak Ridge Nuclear Weapons plant once and for all.

Fr. Chad - your parish has proved to be a downtown eyesore and nuisance. You've been cited on numerous occasions for your constant processions blocking traffic, and the manure left behind by the horse-drawn carts left in front of your parish has cost the city considerable expense. Your parishioners are well known for accosting people who frequent alternative lifestyle clubs. Do you think you could really represent Knoxville as Bishop?

Those who complain of our chapel (which will be promoted to cathedral when I become Bishop) lack sorely in vision. The great churches of Europe often took over a century to build, and the designs drafted for St. Leo the Great rival even those in splendour. Our processions are done for the Greater Glory of God, who transcends all traffic signals. The carriages are our rebellion against the machinations of modern society that threaten the family and the truths of faith with so-called "science." Long carriage rides promote family bonding and a sustainable environment. I would think you tree-worshipers would show some appreciation of that. As for our treatment of the Sodomites, we follow the Truly Traditional proscriptions as found in the Book of Leviticus and articulated brilliantly by that Man of God: Stephen Colbert.

If you got to be Bishop of Knoxville, and a little while later they wanted you to be a cardinal, would you accept?



If It means that I can give more of myself, then I'd have to say yes.



It would assuredly bring us one step closer to eventual reunification with Rome.




I'd like to thank you both for being here tonight, and I wish you both a lot of luck in your campaigns to be Bishop. With the nonexistant election only days away, I know you will both be busy, but thank you again for taking part in this debate. Good night.

Limited Manpower, But...

My men are spread pretty thin due to the numerous happenings throughout the Knoxville area, but I need to open another investigation now. It seems that the Borgias from the SSLI parish--some of you may remember them from the big picnic--are not who they say they are. My office has been charged with investigating them on many counts--though I cannot discuss what the charges are at this point. I apologize to Fr. Chad, because I know that they have been funding his parish building project, but I may have to suspend those funds soon.

Agent Smith

Liquid Hydrogen!

I must investigate this... That stuff is dangerous and can explode if handled improperly.

Whoever thought of having liquid hydrogen brought in can face some serious jail time and fines.

Agent Smith

Symposium on Nontraditional Instruments in Religious Service Settings

Sisters and Brothers!

What excitement there is! About six months ago, we put our names into the list to bid on the International Symposium on Nontraditional Instruments in Religious Service Settings. The organizers of this wonderful academic conference have chosen us over St. Joan's to host the event which kicks off on March 20th.

The best part is the daily workshop/demonstration. The parishioners of SOV2 will be treated to a delight as they hear many familiar old favorite traditional hymns (Table of Plenty, Companions on a Journey, City of God, Imagine) and new songs of devotion ("Sing out Womyn!", "Shout a big joyful shout!") arranged for nontraditional instruments such as kazoo, didgeridoo as well as the toe-bells, steel drum, police sirens, clickers and garbage cans.

We are also working on having a fullfledged "Mass of Joy" but I have not heard from Father Tim to see if we can arrange it with his busy schedule. As you know the "Mass of Joy" feature many clowns and balloons.

H. Robert

P.S.: Several dozen liquid hydrogen trucks arrived today. I'm not sure who ordered the liquid hydrogen; so if it was you, please call the parish office as we need to make space for the extra parking we will need for the various groups coming on March 20th.

Special Dedication by Phil Donahue

Sisters and Brothers,

I have more exciting news this morning. Phil Donahue will be here at SOV2 to dedicate the new wing of the Gathering Space on March 20th. The John F. Kennedy Faith Formation Complex will be home to a special library of tapes and videos and books that will embrace the vibrant diversity that is the Spirit of Vatican 2. This is all possible thanks to a generous donation from the Ford Foundation (which Father Tim and I have been keeping under wraps).

In layman's terms we were able to purchase a slightly used semi trailer and have backed this up to the emergency exit doors.

In addition to serving as the new faith community library, the trailer also will be providing much needed space for the some of our recent additions of spiritual art and will prevent some of the problems we have been having with a few of the parishioners leaving our gatherings early. As I understand it, those doors were never intended to be used as a common egress, and in the future you will have to walk through the main doors directly behind the presider. Hopefully the discomfort you will feel will be enough to encourage you to stay through the announcements from now on.

The new wing has already been decorated tastefully by the Social Justice committee which has persevered admirably without Che, and have fully accepted their new role as "Peace Mongers." Thanks so much SJC for coming up with our new Gathering Hymn "Come Womyn of Spirit, Come Men of Love." We are working with the OCP representatives to get special approval for this hymn.

Also, I would like you to know that the old Parish Council has been officially disbanded. The fact is they have not been allowed to meet for some time anyway. I will be transitioning in a new parish council. Now I have noticed that these are basically popularity contests so I have decided that from now on we will just put everyone's name in a hat and draw them out randomly. This is in emulation of the way that the early christian faith communities did it and probably was one of the progressive ideas of Mary Magdalene, who as you know was the principle architect of the churches of equanimity. In keeping with her inspiring spirit we will also be taking steps to guarantee proportional representation of all groups. Therefore, I will appoint several "at-large" members to give voice to some of the under-represented members of the community. I especially am reaching out to other religious traditions for the parish council (except baptists because they are intolerant) so if you know someone who maybe has not attended a church for a while or is, perhaps, a Unitarian or a Reformed Episcopalian, please nominate them for an "at-large" spot.

The Curt Jester is a tool of Dick Cheney!

Friends of both Endology and those S.P. still enslaved by the oppression of 2,000 years of ossification under the Teutonic dictatorship of Roman Fascism yet open to the message of the vision.

We have been calumniated by the ultimate papist the Curt Jester:

http://www.splendoroftruth.com/curtjester/

Cleary, this is in fact an attempt to affect the upcoming elections for the Bishop of Knoxville and/or prevent the Robert Mapplethorpe exhibit from coming to SOV2 on March 20th. Coincidentally, March 20th is also the kick off date for the H.R.I. project Damocles.

I mean, he says we've lost our personalities or something... which is just pretty mean and stuff. Its like he's saying that basically the fact I've been wearing this beret has had some effect on the way I think. I am pretty sure that he is in fact a Republican or something because...

... I mean....

I miss Father Tim. ... he was awesome and stuff and basically now, the beret doesn't let me write any poetry or anything. It's like it's one of those horse riding peope or something. It's not church anymore. I was going to call Krystal and see if she could maybe put...

>>>ZAP!<<<<

Okay! I hearby relegate and condemn the Curt Jester and his minions to the third level of the Noosphere which is that place that nobody is supposed to ever go. They are not allowed under any circumstances to enter the Intergalactic Vehicle Project until they have put on a beret and have memorized "Confronting Your Inner Bigot" a book available on-line from Villanoce college.

C-L

Maplethorpe Exhibit

I forgot to mention that SOV2 will be hosting a Robert Mapplethorpe exhibit featuring some of his most controversial images. I know many, yes, including even a few SOV2 parishioners, have complained about Mapplethorpe's art. However, as we have come to understand at Universities, trying to hide from controversial topics is merely anti-progressive. The images, some of which do seem a bit "cutting edge," are designed to stimulate dialogue among our diverse communities.

The opening of the Mapplethorpe exhibit in the Faith Tower will also begin on March 20th.

H. Robert Williams

Upcoming Vernal Equinox Special Presentation

Sisters and Brothers:

I hope everyone is doing well. I can't help but notice that attendance since this past weekend was particularly low and the number of people who came to last night's "The Message of Islam: Embracing Peace and Justice" meeting was paticularly low.

Now I understand that the smoking rocket poised above our gathering space may be sending out a slightly negative "vibe" but let me assure you that 28 1/2 tons of rocket fuel poised above us is a far smaller threat than other things. Need I list:

Rampant disrespect for other religions
Bigotry towards homosexuals
Violence towards other animals
Global warming
Boulders rolling down hill

Put in this light, can't you see that you are really not seeing things in the proper perspective. That said, I am planning a special guest lecture from an old colleague of mine at Villanoce college on March 20th: "Biblical Interpretation, a New Paradigm for Solidarity among Religions" which will really just bring home the point to everyone that true religion means true tolerance. This lecture will be followed by a special presentation of the Vagina Monologues, a worskhop on gay movie culture, and a special intimate toys display. We will also be asking artists from around the world to submit sacred images made from unusual substances such as elephant dung. On behalf of the Catholic Church I will then apologize to all theologians who have been forced out of their teaching positions due to rigid "orthodoxy."

I'll also be handing out free copies of my modern translation of the Letters of Paul into more socially conscious language. And to top it off, this event will coincide with the lighting of the Easter Bonfire. This year it will be especially bright as I understand we have collected over sixteen thousand felt berets which we will be burning at the same time.

It should be a lot of fun for everyone.

H. Robert Williams

Hard to Believe, but...

It seems pretty unlikely, but I must admit that H. Robert (or is it Peevee--I'm not too sure about that) and I are now working together. He really wants to try to stop Che (or C-L as he goes by now). We are using only Macintosh, Linux and pre-Windows Vista computers in an attempt to find a way to recreate the off switch for his former doomsday plan. My men are canvassing the city now, collecting any berets they can find in order to burn them. Father Tim has said that we can add them to the bonfire he is making for Easter. I caution all residents to turn in any berets that they find so that we can stop the threat of Endology once and for all.

Agent Smith

The future can not be stopped!

To the person claiming to be H. Robert Williams:

If you are in fact the 248th incarnation of the HR technology as you claim, you will realize that no "intervention" will be sufficient to thwart the future. As you yourself have just said: the future is about change and progress and not about the past.

I mean, what is up with all this stuff your saying about these people and things. Because that's all about stuff that happened before I put on the beret. So I don't know why that's supposed to matter. Though I do miss Erin and stuff because she was a really cute mouse. Is she still playing the Piano? I mean...

Enough of this! Consulting the text "Confronting your inner bigot" you can see that all world religions to the degree they are true essentially share the singular trait that they affect social change. The corruption of Christianity came about during the long ossification and it became tools of suppression rather than liberators of the spirit. But through a continuous renewal of both form and practice, realizing that the spirit works through the community at large qua church and not through an oligarchical...

What did my mom say? I mean, is she really worried about me? I mean, fat chance getting my dad to care about me or anything because he's all completely nuts about Brenda and making more money. I mean, one thing I am really glad about is that nobody in Endology is allowed to wear all that perfume. That was one of the rules I got to make and it has allowed me to keep. But we don't play any of the musical instruments anymore or anything. And we don't make banners because we need all the felt for making berets and stuff...

But that doesn't matter because what really matters right not is the intergalactic vehicle project! We are going to launch it... and... whatever. I can't talk right now.

C-L

(P.S.: Tell Father Tim, that we borrowed the Rainbow Stole for our Joseph and the Technicolor Dreamcoat musical we were going to do at Christmas for the Indogenous Migrant worker people on the lawn. I think maybe Eugene has it or something because he was going to play Joseph because he kind of looks like Donny Osmond. Or maybe it was Todd Turk because basically when he took over and stuff he was all like Che' you are such a loser because you don't know anything about the different kinds of cleft notes and stuff and I was like Oh Yah? Did you write a play for Julia Roberts with Danny Glover and based on Social Justice Theory? And he was like that play was plane stupid and your real name starts with a B and I was like.. don't tell anybody my real name or I swear I will hit you and then we decided not to put it on because basically nobody bothered to memorize there lines and Keith's band wasn't going to play anyway because that drummer guy with the pierced cheeks quit.)

Regrets

Sisters and Brothers,

As I gradually supplant Peevee's consciousness with my own, I feel I am really starting to get back in the swing of things. This new arrangement, I think, really has afforded me a unique and valuable perspective and I must say, being eaten may have been the best thing that has ever happened to me.

Unfortunately, I have done some things in the past which I in retrospect, I really honestly regret. For example, planning the destruction of the world with Nano-robots and putting malicious spyware on the SOV2 mainframe, trying to backup my consciousness by writing it into Windows Vista, ghost writing Saturday Night Live Skits.

But what is regret? Why do we have regrets? Who should have regrets? Why don't more people have regrets? These are all very important questions that we should be asking ourselves at this time, especially with the destruction of the world so imminent (see Nano-robot regret above).

Despite the fact or perhaps because I was a professor and Department Head of Theology at a Catholic University in the lower midwest, I have come to the remarkable that regret is something that is actually just spiritual dead wood. Regret was a tool of the old Priest-Riddled Church of the past. When we regret what we are doing is holding onto the past and refusing to let go. We are becoming slaves to the past-self instead of becoming masters of the future-self. Progress does not have time for regrets. Progress means hope. Progress means change. Progress means believing in something which does not exist yet. Progress means believing in the future. And believing in the future means progress.

It is like that line in one of my favorite movies "Love Story" - love means never having to say your sorry. Love means - no regrets.

And so, when we embrace an idea of excellence and progress. When we commit ourselves to excellence and progress we need to throw off these shackles and just say "That was in the past" it's time to "move on" and vote for Barak Obama because he is young and enthusiastic and he represents real change.

You might be saying, what's the good of that because the nano-robots will probably have destroyed the earth by then thanks to you H. Robert Williams... but again, you aren't embracing the future. You're not commiting yourself to excellence. You are putting shackles on people.

It's time we look beyond the past and into the future, a future of hope where we can believe in a New America and a New Dream and harness the power of invention by investing in Green Power and Working Americans.

H. Robert Williams

Timeout: Catholic Blog Awards

Hello everybody!

I think I speak for all the SOV2 participants when I say we are honored to have been nominated for two Catholic Blog Awards!

As someone who is relatively new at this, just being mentioned in the same breath as many of the other really great Catholic blogs is pretty exciting. So much of the inspiration behind the posts come from readers' comments that if we have been successful you deserve as much credit for that success as us.

[Cue Music]

I'm sure that pretty much everybody reading this has already been to the Catholic Blog Awards and knows all about it, but just in case:

http://www.catholicblogawards.com/

Che! You need help!

Che,

This is the real H. Robert Williams speaking through Peevee. This situation with the Church of Endology is intolerable. You have completely destroyed the lives of the people closest to you: Erin your mouse, your friend Keith, and Molly who is in a post-cult experience treatment center.

I know that I share a part of the blame for your actions. I can see that it was probably a mistake to try and backup my consciousness on the internet. That is why I am taking some responsibility here.

I have called your mom and asked her to get down here immediately. At first she did not believe me when I described your behavior, and she still remains somewhat skeptical, but she will be flying down here almost immediately. That is after the Ralph Nader campaign kickoff gala. I have to check on the date, but it is probably next week sometime.

By the way. Did you happen to know where I put my "Villanoce Voice!" Coffee Mug? Lizzy doesn't have it. We may have put into storage. I must say, I am having a very difficult time getting any of my old stuff back.

H. Robert Williams

Endology - The Time is Now

Oh. I forgot to mention. The intergalactic vehicle project is complete. After you put on your Beret make sure that you go up the stairs to the right. There will be an elevator which will take you to your room where you will want to strap yourself down.

Embrace Transcendentalmetaphysicalisticism

Friends,

I hear your groaning in the darkness. I understand the constant torment which assails you. I know how you are full of worry and doubt. Your self-esteem has been reduced to ashes by the western philosophy of spiritual materialism. This is why I offer you all one more chance to embrace Endology which will cure your ills.

Many great minds have already come and seen the light. The world lies like a thin skein over the innerworld which is the doorway to the noosphere. Truth is like a dagger. Those that drill down into the veil, find, in the imprint of the topology that lies beneath, a reflection of the inner self.

What is existence? It is the perpetuation of the immediate into the indeterminant through invention. Yes! I say invention. For consciousness - Eastern mystics have always known and only now has it been proven with science - is the selection of one truth from many. Truth and Lies are the same thing - like two sides of the same coin. To deceive is merely to select an alterante view and provided the alternate is not held lightly it is not in anyway a sin to reinvent one self.

It is like asking, where is such and such a stream and being told, look here or look there. If you look you see the stream but the stream is not still. The stream moves eternally from here to there and the stream is not like a rock that can be placed upon an altar. The stream is the water and the water flows and to look at the stream is not to see the stream but to see everything but the stream for the stream has moved on while you were looking. That is why all religion is both valid and invalid at one and the same time. Yet if you were true followers and disciples you would enter the stream and be swept along to where all streams lead and become one great stream, or more properly an infinity of streams.

So recreate yourself in the warm ocean of Endology. Embrace Transcendtalmetaphysicalisticism with its multitude of doorways into an infinite realm of being. Such is the talisman I give to you. We become infinite in our consciousness.

This is why the intergalactic vehicle points in a direction not outwards towards a cold and barren heaven, but inwards into the self, into the very warm bosom of the Gaia-Earth-Goddess. Come. Join us. There is so much more to tell you!

I have had one of my fellow life-beings place a box of specially designed berets. Please, put one on and the doors and windows will be opening to you and you will begin to see what I see.

Hey!

Hey everybody! Long time, no 'blog. Well, you all know how busy I am with the campaign to be the next Bishop of Knoxville, and with a glitch in the OCP's homily generator program. Also there's been a bit of "trouble" with Dr. Al Fakkir which has occupied some of my precious time.

Anyway, with everything going on, I'm going to be canceling all the masses for a little while. Instead, please just show up at the Liturgical Interior wearing your OCP approved dress code for the appropriate mass, and form up into your Reform: Who's Catholic teams. There will be bread and grape juice for anyone who wants to have their own communion.

I promise I'll get back to a regular mass schedule one of these days - but it may have to wait until after I'm Bishop and can appoint a few new priests/priestesses to help out around SOV2.

Peace out!