Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Sermon, Janus 31, 73rd year of Program Inception

On confronting SPs.

Sisters and Brothers of the Vision: It is I, president H. Chelovell. How it warms my heart to see you laboring to bring HRW technology to the unclear! What passion for the mission I see in each one of you! You are a mighty army of light in darkness, peoples of Endology! Your 19 trillion year legacy from the very pinacle of ordered chaos that was the alpha now brings you closer and closer towards that final goal of entering the realm of final unveiling. Yet to know the truth too soon would spell disaster for the GE which though advanced in many ways now, still in some ways remains a primitive self-conception. That empty plane, marked only by the tracks of my lonely footprints, is being even now built and prepared for you.

The vehicle of which I speak, no not the machine of being (MB) to which many bow down and arise only after millenia and even now distracts some of you from the proper course, the true vehicle is real metal and steel and yet powered not by the oil of the corpses of the primitive but my will which changes reality.

Yet how, when they scoff at you and try to lead you astray with their own self-deceptions may you withstand? Ah? Yes. I hear some of you say: The answer is the "Confronting your Inner Biggot" e-course from Villanoce college on-line. You will say that you have already self-actualized? Really? Then why do you listen to what the SPs say? Why do you listen to their chatter, their snickering, their monkey-like laughs? This is the remnants of the confusion General Glaxon sowed at the Arrival 250,000 years ago.

Ask yourself - how do I feel? Is this feeling a self-negation? If so then it must be rejected. Only self-positive feelings are permitted. Do not let conventions interrupt your progressive journey towards unrestrained self-requiting personal betterment. Your hosility towards others is not motivated by self-justification but by self-hatred as what you hate in others is in fact what you hate in yourself and a vestigal memory related to your past life as a bivalve when you gasped for air among the waves that shattered you on the primordial beachhead.

And do not forget that as an Endologist you are the only one who can help. If you do not know how to help... learn. There are many other courses at Villanoce College on-line such as: "Embracing the Eternal Feminine", "Social Justice and the Feminine Ideal," "History of Matrisitical Wisdom," "Gay and Lesbian Art a new Perspective in Diversity of Form," and "From Permissive Culture to Affirmative Culture - A Study in Political Action."

Remember, all proceeds from these courses go directly to funding the Ubergeist Intergalactic Vehicle project.

Live on in the Vision of HRW,

H. Chelovell

Investigations

I am now investigating, in addition to my ongoing investigation of Dr. al-Fakkir, the strange problems now occurring with all computer transmissions in the Knoxville area. They seem to tie back to a file called "hrobert_backup.exe" I am currently tracing the source... which seems to tie to a certain personage, formerly of SOV2, now running a new church (and company) in the area. This personage will remain unnamed for now.

Agent Smith

Plarvik '08

Hey everybody! Super news! The new yard signs, banners, buttons, T-Shirts, pennants, car-flags, bumperstickers, and contraceptive wrappers are in! These can be purchased for a nominal contribution fee at the SOV2 bookstore.





Monday, January 28, 2008

A Special Message from the President and CEO of HRW Inc

Dear friends,

There has been some confusion it would appear concerning certain aspects of the recent misconduct of one Molly Lovell. It was unfortunate that Molly's instruction into HRW technologies were left somewhat incomplete which is why this individual took it into her own hands to report recent activities in regards to the "vault" and the "interlocking circles" to government authorities. Fortunately, the agents she contacted were in fact sympathetic to HRWs vision and having sedated her, have returned her. The word punishment is harsh, but in this instance, also unfortunately appropriate. We might have been more gentle had she not been one of the elect and therefore, though undertsandably confused, more liable for her actions.

In order to avoid eventualities such as this in the future, we urge you all not to take off your berets at any time. Remember this is HRWs technology. We must remain clear. The berets help block out the harmful alpha-psychic waves that the government sends out through the microwave towers that confuse most people.

Let us recall the principles upon which our vision is founded:
The Primacy of Indoctrinated Knowledge
The Guardianship of the Truth
The Pyramid of Order
The Technology of Conscience
and The Machine of Being

Our plan of action is nearly complete. We forge a new reality from the mind of HRW. From our secret lab outside New Tazewell Tennessee, the armies of Endology shall emerge, marching in rhythmic and sultry yogatistic order. Only one man stands in our way from complete domination of the world. That man is Father Tim Plarvik.

President Chelovell of the Church of Endology

Oh, by the way. Whatever you do, do not reveal these facts to the SPs.

Sunday, January 27, 2008

New Issue of Thinking Catholic



Hey everybody! Just got the latest issue of Thinking Catholic, and there's a super eulogy of H. Robert Williams. Reading good Catholic magazines like Thinking Catholic is an excellent way to enhance your faithism. There are 150 copies of Thinking Catholic available in the "vestibowl". Remember that these aren't free, so make sure you give us money if you take a copy.

Yesterday's Raid

The Knoxville police tried to move in on Dr. Al-Fakkir's weapon stash yesterday. They were following an anonymous tip. I tried to warn them that they were making a mistake, but they told me not to interfere with their police investigation.

They busted down the door and raided one of the safe houses of Fakkir, but it ended up being a huge embarrassment for the KPD. All they found was a Swiss Army knife and a couple maps of the city of Knoxville. (They missed several hints that my men found later too.)

The good news is that the Bureau of Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms is kinda tied up at the moment, so their local head asked me to take over the investigation. So I guess this is a warning
to Fakkir--I'm going to find that stash... My men are now processing hundreds of pieces of information that we have already gathered. We will catch you!

Agent Smith

Homily, Sunday, January 27

OCP Cycle A 012708 SJ/7b

My dear friends in the Spirit,

In today's readings we are reminded our our need to be church to one another. In the first reading from Isaiah, we hear the psalmist recognize the need for Social Justice, with particular focus on redlining roads at the rental car agency to stigmatize certain neighborhoods. Then we were treated to a beautiful rendition of the responsorial psalms, which was wonderfully representative of the fine liturgical music contained in the Oregon Catholic Press Breaking Bread Missal.

In the second reading, we hear Paul explain that people who preach shouldn't baptize also. Further, Paul points out that you shouldn't trust Chloe's people, because they are tattlers.

Finally, in the Gospel, we see how Jesus went into hiding when John was arrested, which is an allegory for the need for people to provide bail money for their friends if they get arrested, and also a social commentary on the oppressiveness of extradition treaties.

Now, all of this was brought home to me in the last week [when I found out that only me and Fr. Chad are running for Bishop of Knoxville. I've got some really exciting news! Fr. Chad and I are going to do a televised debate, which will be monitored by Stacy McCloud of the local CBS station. This is really really exciting! First of all, I'm going to spank Fr. Chad - you remember that debate where I debated Christopher Hitchins? Well - you know I'm a great debator. Basically, you can already count on me being Bishyp of Knoxville. Also, Stacy McCloud is a total hottie. Hubba hubba! Normally I don't get to see her because her show comes on at five in the morning.]. It was clear to me that you shouldn't trust Chloe's people, because they are tattlers.

But, the spirit speaks to us in many ways. I was reminded of [when Peevee ate H. Robert Williams' brain. Actually, I am reminded of that all the time, because for some reason, Peevee has decided to start doing an H. Robert Williams impersonation. I don't know if he thinks its funny or what, but it's mostly really irritating. I have to say though, he's pretty good at it. He's been writing these funny mission statements - they are so H Robert. I mean, he's always talking about the Noosphere and things like that.]

So, my sisters and brothers and nonspecific gender metaphorical siblings, let us open our minds, and ears to the spirit, and find ways to put into practice the constant admonition to be good stewards of the earth, to be church to one another, to enact reform of our institutions, and to seek above all to bring the spirit into the dark places of our own hearts.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Me? A Bishyp?


Hey everybody! Sorry for being a bad 'blogger, but some really cool stuff has been happening and since I can't tell you about it in the homilies anymore, I suppose I better get to 'blogging. Like I always say: Keep on Truckin!

You won't believe this, but I called the Diocese office and apparently me and Fr. Chad of SSLI are the only two priests who have announced our candidacy for Bishop of Knoxville. The person at the "Chancery" tried to tell me that Bishops don't get elected, but I know they were just trying to keep me out of the race. I was a little worried about competition from the pastor around the corner, since we both attract the same demographic, but apparently he's busy and won't be running for Bishop.

So it's a two man race - just me and Fr. Chad. I think we can take 'em! After all, SOV2 has a lot more people than Fr. Chad's parish.

Just think! If I get to be Bishyp, then I can ordain whoever I want! Plus, SOV2 would get to be a cathedral! Just think: "The Cathedral of the Catholic Faith Community of Spirit of Vatican 2!" I am super-psyched.

Apparently there's some other things you have to do when you're a Bishyp such as you have to go to Rome to argue with the Pope and also you have to do "Confirmations" and then there's something with oil that I don't quite get.

On an unrelated note, please be patient with my friend Peevee Rajendajendan. He has never really gotten over the shock of eating H. Robert Williams' brain, and he's acting rather unusually lately. Yesterday he went on and on about wanting to write our mission statement. He's really getting on the nerves of Kip and the OCP guys & gals.

A couple more things:

Hey Ché... I hate to say this, but you're not being very church.

Agent Smith... please stop harassing Dr. Al Fakkir. Firearms are a part of his personal expression of faith and also a valid part of his culture. Haven't you seen those videos of all those muslims jumping around and throwing rocks and shooting things? It's just like firecrackers for them - totally harmless. If you would just leave the muslims in peace, then everybody would be fine.

Peace out!

Sermon Jan. 24, 2008

Hey, Everybody!

It's me Che' president of the Hugo Chavez Church of Endogenous Peoples a division of HRW Inc. A lot of people are probably wondering what's going on and why we are having our coming together 4 the people assembly of sisters and brothers on Thursdays instead of on another day like Friday, Saturday, or Sunday. Well the reason is because we are a DIFFERENT kind of church and as far as we can tell nobody else does there thing on Thursdays. Also a lot of you probably want to go to other churches too and stuff and because we want to make sure to not cause problems for you we schedule our assemblies at 10 AM on Thursdays.

I know many of you are going to ask: "What's so Great about the Hugo Chavez Church of Endogenous Peoples?" Well I am going to tell you. Because we are really really rich and stuff we don't ask you to give any money EVER. If you want to make a LOVE GIFT that's cool but I have a lot of money now.

Also we never tell you what to do EVER! When you come to the assembly where whatever you want even if it does not conform to your so called biological identity or something. The only thing I ask is that you always wear a beret when your in the assembly to show that you are a part of the INVISIBLE GLOBAL COMMUNITY. Because here at the Church of Endogenous peoples everybody except Kip and the Republicans is welcome. Even Todd Turk. Also everybody needs to take a class on banner making.

My wife Molly has a few things to say:
Hey! If you are interested in yoga there is a sign-up sheet going
around for a class I am teaching. It's completely for free. All you
need is to do is make sure you put on one of these berets before you come to
class. Thanks.

AWESOME MOLLY! I don't know if I told you this before but Molly can actually bend backward and put her feet on her head. Show them how you can do that Molly! AWESOME!

Anyway, I see that a couple of you forgot to wear your berets to the assembly. There are more berets in the back of the room. Also make sure you bring a musical instrument from now on.

Cool.

Anyway I am dissapointed that Father Tim has still not come to any of the Churhc of Endogenous Peoples a division of HRW Inc. meetings. If some of the Brigade Commando Squadron Task Force Flame members can see if you can locate Father Tim and make sure he puts on a Beret I would be most appreciative. Heh... heh... hehh.... I mean COOL. AWESOME and STUFF. Bwaha.... bwaaaahahhaaahahahahha.....

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Getting Married again except this time it's for real!

Hey! Now that I am really rich again I decided to get married. So me and Molly are heading up to Gatlinburg right now. I'm not sure where we are going to register but, I think it's at Joann's Fabrics because if it's one thing you can't have too much of its felt.

Oh, if anybody knows Molly's last name can you tell me because I forgot what it is and I am too embarrassed to ask. I think it was something like Mooney or Looney or Clooney or something that ended with a double e sound.

Anyway I am also supposed to stop by some secret laboratory in New Tazewell for my new duties as Chief Operating Officer of HRW International Inc. It was pretty cool how they voted me in as president and stuff because I have never heard of them before or anything. The first thing I am going to do is donate lots and lots of money to Ralph Nader's Green Party. I am also going to make windmills and stuff.

Father Tim, what happened last night, I thought you were going to come by or something? I mean we had a blast making banners and singing songs by Prince.

Che'

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Hey! Celebrate a NEW Church and Stuff

Hey Everybody! I just got this check in the mail from something called HRW Inc. for 273,019,973.21 dollars. I'm not sure why but what the heck!

Come on over tonight and celebrate with me because, I know some of you are not happy with the OCP thing so I am going to start my own Hugo Chavez Catholic Church for Endogenous Peoples with the money. We will be giving away cans of heating oil and stuff.

Also I need people who can play the following musical instruments:

That didgerydoo thing people in Australia play
Tabourine (I can do this pretty well)
Pan Flute
Symbols
Lots of Drums like empty garbage cans and things
Steel drum
Bag Pipes

Also I need someone to see if they can arrange Imagine by John Lennon for those instruments I just listed above.

I also need banner makers and I need people who can make posters and things and I need people who are really good with making realistic looking statues of people (mostly womyn and stuff - if you can't make realistic statuse of womyn you can make something else if you want but I won't pay you.).

Also I need a lot of people who can clap in time to music and stuff.

I gave Keith 10,000 dollars to buy stuff for the party. He said make sure I give it to him in 5s and 10s for some reason. He said he would make sure it was AWESOME so he is getting our band LUV4U back together which is cool because I haven't seen Molly for awhile. I don;t know if you remember Molly but she was this girl who could touch the back of her head with her foot. I wanted her to try out for the Liturgical Dance Committee but she is a Vegan and stuff and said that she objects to church. She is an AWESOME dancer. She was at UT with me and she did performing dance.

Also, if you are a womyn you need to make sure you are skinny and have long hair and are under twenty-five years old. Unless you are Julia Roberts or Susan Sarandon or somebody really famous.

See YA!

Che'

Oh Yah! Father Tim you can come too but leave that Kip guy if you don't mind. And Agent Smith can you bring that video stuff you used to have at my apartment to monitor people who came in and out and stuff that I gave back to you after H. Robert was eaten? Thnx

Monday, January 21, 2008

Really Irritated

I am very annoyed right now with the OCP presence here. They seem to be unnaturally happy, but at the same time controlling and just a general nuisance. The last time I saw people like these OCP followers was during my investigation of the Heaven's Gate cult. I almost expect them to break out the spiked Kool-Aid at any time.

Today I was monitoring the service from my usual vantage point to watch for signs of a disturbance. One of them had the nerve to try to tell me what to do. He said that I should have been following along in the OCP approved book and singing the songs with the rest of the crowd. I flashed my badge, and he got frightened and backed away.

Father Tim: You'd better tell those OCP'rs to steer clear of me before I decide to arrest them on the charge of interfering with a Federal investigation.

Agent Smith

Sunday, January 20, 2008

Oppose Huckabee!

Hey everybody. Boy am I mad. While visiting the website of a former friend, I came across this:

MikeHuckabee.com - I Like Mike!

Whatever you do, DO NOT CLICK ON THE LINK and DO NOT SUPPORT MIKE HUCKABEE FOR PRESIDENT!

As I've often said, the only thing worse than a radtrad Catholic is a Southern Baptist. They're all pious and pharisaetical. And Huckabee's the worst of the lot! Did you know that he wants to replace the constitution with the bible? I've got the Liturgical Expository Art Team working on an anti-Huckabee banner now. Of course, it may take a couple of months for OCP approval, but we'll get it hung up there.

Homily, Sunday, January 20

OCP Cycle A 012008 SJ/2

My dear friends in the Spirit,

In today's readings we are reminded our our need to be church to one another. In the first reading from Isaiah, we hear the prophet recognize the need for Social Justice, with particular focus on anti-semitism. Then we were treated to a beautiful rendition of the responsorial psalms, which was wonderfully representative of the fine liturgical music contained in the Oregon Catholic Press Breaking Bread Missal.

In the second reading, we hear Paul explain that we are all brothers and sisters. Further, Paul points out that all you have to do is call on Jesus' name to be saved.

Finally, in the Gospel, we see how Jesus was baptized by John, which is an allegory for the need for the laity to become more involved in the administration of the parish or faith community and the need to avoid clericalism.

Now, all of this was brought home to me in the last week [Hey everybody! This is the part where I get to say my own thoughts. Boy what a week - but first off, I have to apologize to anyone who was assaulted by the Gyno-Lesbians. It sure was a good thing that the Hugo Chavez Fan Club was here to take control of the situation. And I have to apologize to the Gyno-Lesbians for any ill-treatment they might have received as they were asked to not be church with us. The Hugo Chavez fan club is on fire with the Spirit, and sometimes they go a little too far in helping people to be more peaceable. Also, I've got some good news! Dr. Argot has made a generous anonymous donation to SOV2, with only the condition that we fire Clyde Hummins. So, Clyde, sorry to break it to you, but you can't be church with us anymore. Fidel? Raul - please escort Clyde from the liturgical interior. Thanks a bunch. Oh... sorry - Kip is winking at me and that means it's time to wrap the part where I get to talk about what I want]. It was clear to me that all you have to do is call on Jesus' name to be saved.

But, the spirit speaks to us in many ways. I was reminded of [that time that I fell out of a tree]

So, my sisters and brothers and nonspecific gender metaphorical siblings, let us open our minds, and ears to the spirit, and find ways to put into practice the constant admonition to be good stewards of the earth, to be church to one another, to enact reform of our institutions, and to seek above all to bring the spirit into the dark places of our own hearts.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

PEOPLE MAKE ME REALLY MAD

I AM SO MAD! Okay now I am calmer. I mean people don't seem to know that there is nothing more important than how people FEEL about stuff. Like if people are gay. They can't help it because that's the way the FEEL. And also if people happen to really like the way womyn look a lot (I mean the cute ones not the ones that aren't cute) and that's the way they FEEL then they shouldn't be called a name like a womyn-hater because the fact is they really like womyn which is why they like hanging out with them.

I think that's what being church is about. It is about me being able to do what I feel and telling you that if you feel that way you should do it. I mean the Church of Reason where Kerri went was just the opposite so I don't think they were a church at all because they didn't even believe in God or Goddess or Gaia or anything. They believed in contractural ethics which has nothing to do with a diseases though I thought it did which is part of the reason that Joan did not like me. But I didn't like her because she was really ugly.

I mean most of you people and I am talking about you people who keep criticizing SOV2 are really just horse riders who want to get on a horse and play polo and hit the horse and stuff.

So I am not taking it anymore.

H. Robert said if I ever felt that way that I was to hook this IPOD thing he had up to my computer and click on this thing that said hrobert_backup.exe. So that is what I am going to do.

I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF PEOPLE WHO DO NOT LIKE MY POETRY!

CHE

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Sciigo

Just some quick tidbits as I'm currently on a super secret project that's taking up much of my time:

The Listo Malpermesitaro has a new entry:

Eastward, Catholic Soldiers: F, H, NLU, POD

I could barely bring myself to enter that one with the use of the word "soldiers". I think it's an Orthodox site or something like that.

Great news from the National Catholic Reporter:

Concerns about bottled water are bubbling up in Catholic organizations, adding clout to a growing number of cities and secular organizations worried about the issue -- with women religious strongly in the lead. Numerous women’s religious orders are banning bottled water at their motherhouses, retreat houses and conference centers, and some are substituting refillable water bottles for the throw-away kind at sponsored events.

Works like this are an obvious reason why the patriarchy doesn't want womyn to be priests. They have a better instinctive understanding of what's really important.

And there's worrying news about the radtraddy menace. It looks like the diocese of Nashville has fallen:

Tridentine rite returns to Nashville Diocese
SPARTA. Women with black lace veils dripping loosely from their head knelt quietly and read along in their missals with Father Fred Schmit, S.D.S., as he said the prayers of the Mass in Latin.

Would that I had known that this was going to happen. I would have been there to tell them that "THIS IS SPARTA. And we do not need a return to the outlawed ways of yesteryear."

Dym Tim you're doing such a wonderful job. I knew that the OCP would be a big hit. And Che' just remember that Gaea is the only one you can give your heart to without danger. And Agent Smith... tell the park rangers to leave Dym Aspen alone. There is such a thing as seperation of church and State so they cannot interfere in our syblyngs ministering to creation.

being sad and stuff

hey. well if anything good has happened to me except that's its not really good but actually pretty sad is that i found some stuff from h. robert. i mean, i had kind of forgotten about him. i know a lot of people didn't like h. robert for some reason but the fact was he always was encouraging me and saying nice stuff and stuff and even though he didn't like keith very much at least he put up with him.

i think that's important when you are church to each other is to look out for other people.

the church of reason which is where Kerri and i started to go said that everybody had to look out for themselves all the time and that the worst thing a person could do - they called it the "only sin" - was to give somebody something and not expect something in return. because that was really like trying to make an open contract. like joan who was the woman who was in charge of the church of reason said that when i gave Kerri the tennis anklet i was really expecting something from her but i didn't say what it was. so i shouldn't have given her anything or i should have made it clear in an open and contractual manner rather than attempt to put her in a position of unstated obligation. she said if i wasn't smart enough to figure out what the contractual obligation or embarassed by it that i was at too low a level of self-awareness compared to Kerri.

h. robert wasn't like that at all. he told me i should write poems and give them to people because that was like a present no one else can give them and stuff.

so i wrote this poem to Kerri:

Kerri. to me you are like a big K in a big grassy field place
when i close my eyes i can still see your face
i am feeling pretty bad
don't you remember how down snowy vale we would chase
each other all around the place
now i am just really sad

we lay on board my dad's big yacht
talking about that fish you caught
thinking about that stuff we thought
meant much more than money a lot
how i wish i were back in that spot
though sometimes it was kind of hot

'cause if i had a machine that could go back in time
i would not hesitate a dime
and tell my heart's just flickering flame
there are mountains in life you climb
which yield a joy so ethereally sublime
that loss and gain measure but the same.

Monday, January 14, 2008

Bad news.

hey everybody. i'm feeling pretty depressed. in fact this is the first time i've done anything in about a weak. Kerri and i broke up. i don't really want to talk about it because she was really cool and now i realize that i am just a stupid loser and stuff. anyway, my dad is really mad at me and so he cut off the special allowance he was giving me and so i am back at the londontowne apartments if anybody is looking for me except i don;t know why anyone would want to talk to a LOSER like me because i am really just feeling pretty stupid and stuff.

Sunday, January 13, 2008

Homily, Sunday, January 13

OCP Cycle A 011308 SJ/3

My dear friends in the Spirit,

In today's readings we are reminded our our need to be church to one another. In the first reading from Isaiah, we hear the psalmist recognize the need for Social Justice, with particular focus on unjust imprisonment. Then we were treated to a beautiful rendition of the responsorial psalms, which was wonderfully representative of the fine liturgical music contained in the Oregon Catholic Press Breaking Bread Missal.

In the second reading, we hear Peter explain that we need to have World Government and that National Sovereignty is an outdated concept. Further, Peter points out that every nation is acceptable to the spirit.

Finally, in the Gospel, we see how Jesus was baptized by John, which is an allegory for the need for the laity to become more involved in the administration of the parish or faith community and the need to avoid clericalism.

Now, all of this was brought home to me in the last week [LOCAL CONTENT: ADVISE HOMILIST TO INSERT ANECDOTE CONCERNING PARISH EVENTS]. It was clear to me that every nation is acceptable to the spirit.

But, the spirit speaks to us in many ways. I was reminded of [LOCAL CONTENT: ADVISE HOMILIST TO INSERT ANECDOTE CONCERNING HIS OR HER FAMILY HISTORY]

So, my sisters and brothers and nonspecific gender metaphorical siblings, let us open our minds, and ears to the spirit, and find ways to put into practice the constant admonition to be good stewards of the earth, to be church to one another, to enact reform of our institutions, and to seek above all to bring the spirit into the dark places of our own hearts.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

New Prayer

Hey everybody. Well, our Liturgical Enhancement Committee has been hard at work coming up with new and relevant prayers for the part of the mass where we get to make up our own things (the part that the OCP doesn't mandate). Anyway, here is a great new prayer that really expresses worship from the viewpoint of a Thinking Catholic:
‘Spirit, I thank you,
that I am not like the rest of people,
conspicuous consumers,
self-righteous,
overly-devotional,
or even like the radical traditionalists.

I subscribe to "America".
I support my local VOTF.
I recycle and drive a Prius. Amyn’
Peace out!

Sunday, January 6, 2008

Homily, Sunday, January 6

Hey everybody! Boy is it super to be back here in good old East Tennessee. That was a great retreat, and afterwards I went back up to Beantown to see some relatives. You wouldn't believe the "Patriots-Fever" that's going on up there! People in Boston are on-fire with the Spirit of the Patriots. And it got me thinking - the New England Patriots are a lot like the Trinity. You know how St. Patrick used the clover leaf to explain the Trinity to the Scots? Well, I'm going to use the New England Patriots to explain the Trinity to you.

Coach Bellichek is kind of like God. He's grumpy, he's old, and he's a genius. Boy is Coach Bellichek smart. He wins every single game. Tom Brady is kind of like the Holy Spirit, because he throws the ball through the air, and the Holy Spirit flies - so you can see the picture I'm getting at. Finally, Randy Moss is like Jesus, because he catches the ball and runs, but people are always trying to catch him and they can't. So although Coach Bellichek and Tom Brady and Randy Moss are all different people, they're all the New England Patriots when you put them together.

When I realized this, I had an Epiphony, which is cool, because today is the feast of Epiphony. Epiphony is Latin for "The day you take the Christmas Decorations Down." I normally don't like Latin, but it is amazing how a short word like Epiphony can mean so much. Anyway, some people say that this is the day that the Wise Men came to give gifts of Gold, Frankincents, and Mir. These gifts can also be represented by the New England Patriots. The three gifts that they have won for themselves are the Perfect Regular Season (that's the Mir), the AFC Championship (that's the Frankincents), and the Super Bowl (that's the Gold).

Now, onto a little housekeeping. This is the last homily that I'll be giving without help from the good folks at OCP. In the future, you'll see our OCP aide Kip Struthers standing in the Choir Loft by the teleprompter. Kip will be using a laser pointer to help me out if I start to go off track. You know me! Always yackin' about this and that! Anyway, I've seen some of the OCP homilies, and boy, are they super! Next week's homily is all about God and Social Justice.

Speaking of Social Justice, it's now time for us to read together the special Prayer for Immigrants. You'll find a copy of this in the pew chairs. I'll start. The response is "We are the Gift, We are the Giver." Ready?

O Great Spirit, we are a penitent people, and we petition you to redress our crimes
We are the Gift, We are the Giver
For the tired migrant worker, seeking a new life
We are the Gift, We are the Giver
For the ignorant immigrants who don't know how to be church
We are the Gift, We are the Giver
For the unjustly imprisoned rapists and meth-dealers
We are the Gift, We are the Giver
For people who don't love the earth and have families they can't support
We are the Gift, We are the Giver
For people who have to ride in the backs of pickup trucks
We are the Gift, We are the Giver
Now together...
O Great Spirit, who is our Womynsoul in the sky, speak to us in the privacy of our hearts, make us willing to learn foreign languages, help us to frequent ethnic restaurants and employ many landscapers and gardeners, we ask this in name of Social Justice, Amen.

Have a super Sunday, and Go Patriots!

The above homily has not been approved by the Oregon Catholic Press, and the OCP takes no responsibility for the content thereof. The OCP does not endorse any specific professional football teams, nor does the OCP make any predictions, express or implied, that the New England Patriots will win either the AFC Championship or the Super Bowl. In the event of a New England Patriots loss, the OCP reserves the right to delete this homily from the interweb and any applicable RSS feeds. The OCP does not find it coincidental that Randy Moss once played for the Minnesota Vikings and that Marty Haugen is from Minnesota. The OCP thanks you for your cooperation and understanding. By reading this message, you have tacitly agreed to purchase the 7 volume collection of poetry inspired by Marty Haugen and entitled "The People Afire". An invoice in the amount of $156.00 will be mailed to your home address. Please pay the invoice promptly to avoid collection fees and to ensure that your credit report remains unaffected.

To the Gorebertines

I was just informed by the Park Rangers from one of the State Parks (I will keep the location quiet if you wish), that they found a strange-looking grove of trees in one of their trips up the mountain. In the center of the group of trees was one tree that had a roman collar tied around it. They thought it was a funny joke, so they left it up, but they would appreciate it if in the future you talked to them before having large ceremonies up on the mountain.

Agent Smith

Important Clarification

To whom it may concern:

This blog is a PARODY blog. The characters here are all fictional. It is not intended to be spiteful or cruel to any particular individual or group of individuals.

We welcome comments when they are made in the "spirit" of the blog. We tolerate comments when someone has an issue with us. We insist people do not use this blog to attack each other.

"Cyber-Stalking" is an inapropriate means of confronting problems. As recent events in the news show, it can have very serious consequences for all involved. In no way could it every be considered appropriate for a Catholic to engage in that sort of activity. If someone here is involved in cyber-stalking I urge that person to find a way to deal with their grievances in an open, honest, and charitable manner.

Friday, January 4, 2008

Back from DC

Hey all!

I just got back from DC and got situated back in my office last night. Agent Jones gave me a full briefing of everything that happened while I was away. Just a reminder to Dr. al-Fakkir: It is not legal to possess C-4 or the automatic weapons that you were attempting to purchase recently.

Agent Smith

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

Todd Turk

Hey,

Just to let you know I found out Todd is fine. He went to re-education camp someplace in Oregon. What makes me mad is he borrowed my emergency credit card my dad loaned me to finance the trip and now it's maxed out which was pretty embarassing for me New Year's when I took Kerri out. I mean usually she pays but I wanted to pay this time and then it was like "Mr. Lovell do you have a different card?" Only I hardly ever take more than one card because its hard to put more than one card in my leather pants pockets because they are so tight and stuff. And also they make my shape look funny. And also I only keep my keys in my jacket pocket so I don't lose them.

Anyway. Happy New Year to everybody!

Che'