Saturday, June 30, 2007

Intolerance and Tolerance

Hello again folks,

There's been a lot of talk about tolerance and intolerance and what with me being impaled by a sword and brought back to life by the "devil" (ha ha ha ha ha, LOL, ROTFOL etc...) I thought perhaps it would be a neat idea to explore this concept.

As you know I taught contemporary theology and spirituality at Villanoce, a wonderful Midwestern college. We saw things change and if it was something I learned is that this idea of tolerance worked well for us in the more broad minded community for quite some time. It [tolerance] and academic freedom were the lever arms by which we were able to pry open the jaws of intransigent backwardness. Not that this effort was too difficult as we received increasingly favorable attention from the administration. Around the late nineties we had pretty well firmly established ourselves in the dominant position within academia.

Tolerance remains a very key value, a fundamental value of a University. But we have moved beyond that to inclusion. That means we can not simply put up with alternative viewpoints but we must actively work to bestow upon these the same recognition as traditional viewpoints where the traditional viewpoints are not actively antagonistic to either inclusiveness or tolerance itself. This shift in approach has "stirred the pot" and we see, bubbling up the expected knee-jerk reaction of the "traditionalists."

In the last few years at Villanoce, the "counter-revolution" became perhaps a little stronger than I expected. Somehow, the "orthodox" element managed to seep into the woodwork. Little weedy evangelical catholics were popping up here and there and every now and again some priest or professor showed a level of backward thinking which is positively Middle Ages in its outlook. How do we deal with this?

Well, let me say that tolerance even extends to these poor sad creatures. That is we can tolerate someone whose spirituality is on such a low level that he needs memorize certain prayers and hopes that through repetition he will somehow receive favors from "old man god." We can tolerate someone who feels the need to say the liturgy of the hours or give lip service to "pro-life" issues. In fact I would say there is a definite need to "go out like sheep among the wolves" and participate in some of their ceremonial activities if for no other reason than to educate them and help them see the "other side of the coin" as it were. And if we can subvert their activities and modernize them so much the better.

What can not be tolerated are those practices and ideas which serve to undermine our progress itself. Active resistance must be maintained, yet we can not get into a situation of direct confrontation. It is far better to combat traditionalism indirectly. That is why theology is such a crucial area to work in. Here we raise "thinkers" who think like us and understand the difference between a manualistic laborious faith and a free and open faith of adventure. The first is concerned with rules and regulations, the second with feeling and experience. The first is hollow, the second is living. Here there is also a role for like-minded priests to play. They must stand before the common people and protect them from the dangerous ideas.

Our most important method is the "pastoral approach." This approach, akin to humanism, basically consists of two things.

First we must consider, first and foremost, the health of our people. Pain and discomfort shall always be avoided. Was it not said of the Pharisees that they burdened the people with unnecessary loads. The flock must do the absolute minimum. One must always take the circumstances of a situation as of primary importance. We must reassure the people, pacify their consciences, and distract them from what they used to call "the final things."

Second we must consider the reorientation of the church and society to reflect this proper attitude. We must not become bogged down in considerations of "is this fair or not" on an individual or local level. Our concern is with whole and the entirety.

I have much more to say on this score but I think I have said enough. Let us understand that tolerance is indeed one of our most dearly held values but it can not extend without limits. Other values lie deeper still. The shattering of the old regime of absolutism is key. As long as a vestige remains, the horizon has not been leveled and until it is leveled it is not open and until it is open we are not truly free. No rule, no law, no thought must stand between me and the open horizon.

H Robert

Thursday, June 28, 2007

Todd's New Hymn


Hey! Well, boy, am I worked up about this whole Motu Proprio business. But we can't let this distract us from being church! Let those Vatican Stormtroopers try to push some funny language down our throats! It won't stop us from making a joyful noise! To prove it, Todd has allowed me to publish the lyrics to his new hymn, which will be played for the first time at our Ecumenical Picnic with the peoples of SSLI faith community. As a matter of fact, Todd wrote Verse 3 specifically as an ecumenical welcome to the peoples of SSLI. Can't wait for the picnic!

CALL US OUT
Todd Turk, Good Intentions Publications, Copyright 2007

[Verse 1]
I watch Mother Dawn arise
with my happy pilgrim's eyes
and my eyes well up with tears of happy joy
For the Spirit has begun
descend on each and every one
make a priest of every little girl and boy

[Refrain]
Call us up, call us in!
We were born without sin!
We all want a little piece of the Lord.
Call us in, call us out!
Let us gather 'round and shout:
We are Church! Let us sing the Happy Word

[Verse 2]
We are blind and cannot see
but no matter: Church are we!
We will lead each other through the spirit maze
Like those pots and kettles black
we will call each other back
And we'll raise the roof with rolling rounds of praise

[Refrain]

[Verse 3]
Let us all be like to sheep
Wolves for pets we will not keep
And the sun will knit our tablecloths anew
You can keep your latin mass
We've bags of tea (it's tea not grass)
To be Church, we've got to have tea in our brew

[Refrain]
[Refrain]

MOTU PROPRIO, NO, NO, NO!


HEY! YOU CAN HAVE MY OREGON PRESS MISSAL WHEN YOU PRY IT FROM MY COLD, DEAD HANDS!

IT'S TIME TO RISE UP AND RESIST THIS MOTU PROPRIO MONSTER! NO INNOVATION EXCEPT FROM THE TRADITION OF THE SPIRIT OF VATICAN 2!

NO!


HEY! THIS WILL NOT STAND! THERE IS NO GOING BACK TO THE PAST.

WE CANNOT ALLOW THE GAINS OF THE LAST FORTY YEARS TO BE BRUSHED ASIDE!

THE ENGLISH PEOPLE-FACING MASS IS OUR TRADITION! YOU CANNOT GO CHANGING TRADITION WILLY-NILLY!

IF THE ENGLISH MASS IS GOOD ENOUGH FOR TEDDY KENNEDY, THEN IT'S GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME!

FIRST THEY CAME FOR THE LITURGISTS, AND I WAS NOT A LITURGIST, SO I HELD MY PEACE
THEN THEY CAME FOR THE HERETICS, AND I WAS NOT A HERETIC
THEN THEY CAME FOR THE APOSTATES, AND I WAS NOT AN APOSTATE
THEN THEY CAME FOR THE BANNER-MAKERS, AND I WAS NOT A BANNER-MAKER
THEN THEY CAME FOR THE PANTSUIT WEARING EX NUNS, AND I WAS NOT A PANTSUIT WEARING EX NUN
THEN THEY CAME FOR THE LITURGICAL DANCERS, AND I WAS NOT A LITURGICAL DANCER, SO I HELD MY PEACE.
THEN THEY CAME FOR ME, AND THERE WAS NO ONE LEFT TO DEFEND ME

Very disturbing news!

I am embarassed to admit I actually went to the web-site fox news and saw this story:
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,287107,00.html
I tried to find it on more reliable sites such as CNN and the BBC but I could not verify it. So (hopefully!) it is some sort of mistake.

Yet, I can not say I am surprised that the present Pope Benedict XVI has once again decided to take a step backwards. From a bright young star of the progressive element he has fallen so low. I can't tell you how upset we were at Villanoce when he was "elected" through some of the most nefarious schemes in church history as the previous Pope stacked the college of Cardinals with "conservatives" and the changed the rules to simple majority. Sister Mary Kate was in hysterical tears and it took us all night to comfort her. She had her hopes set so high on a more enlightened church.

Now we see that the Bishop of Vatican City (as he should rightly be called) has gone back to a dead language and a middle ages liturgy which is designed to exclude far more than it includes. Mark my words a chill wind is blowing not just through Hollywood (as Tim Robbins noted) but through the entire world community. How fortunate we are that there are still some people courageous enough to stand up to this extreme and unhistorical papal despotism. I think we can find more than a few right here at SOV2.

This is why I am suggesting to Father Tim that he immediately set up a Society of Saint John XXIII (SSJXXIII) to counteract some of these atrocious tendencies within the modern church.

On second thought that seems rather exlcusive to use "Roman" numerals instead of the Arabic and to drop little words like "of" while including big ones like "saint." Let's call it SOSJ23.

H Robert

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Contemporary Issues

Hey! Wow! What a great retreat! After that whole debate thing with Christopher Hitchens, I really needed a couple of days to regroup and get my head screwed back on. Let me tell you! Maggie Valley was all abuzz with the various things going on. Sister Fairah did a great free-form Liturgical Dance at the Monday Night bread-breaking. And afterwards we had a long discussion about some contemporary issues, notably discussing gays, abortion, gay men, gay women, lesbians, homosexuals, sex, gays, gay people, transgendered people and their sex, abortion, gays, homosexuals, Idi Amin, gays, Ann Coulter, Nikki Giovanni, homosexuals, gays, sex, sex change operations, Madonna, Al Gore's underwear, Nikki Giovanni's codpiece, Richard Dawkins, Nancy Pelosi, and more.

I can't wait to discuss these topics with that new professor dude that's hanging around the old exploded rectory. But for now, if you need me, I'll be in the hot tub.

Also, as of this post, this 'blog is now rated...

Online Dating

Mingle2 - Online Dating

Draft of Mission Statement

Hey SOViers! H Robert and I stayed up all last night working on our mission statement. Here's how it goes:

As a flowering faith community, guided by the progressive spirit of the Second Vatican Council, we reach out to the diverse community from which we come. Respecting the dynamic tradition of the past we embrace change, foster and encourage each other to look beyond self and work for social justice and environmental stewardship, in solidarity with the marginalized in our society. Taking feminism as a framework for a equitable society and with conscience as our creed we confidently step out into the dawn of the third millenium.

How's that? Do you think we left anything out?

Che'

Our 'Blog Rated!

Hey everybody! Well, our 'blog (that's you & me, folks!) has gotten a rating, and frankly, I'm not pleased...

Online Dating

Mingle2 - Online Dating

Monday, June 25, 2007

I Excoriate These Blogs


Hello. In the name of your Reverend Timothy Plarvik, I join you and your Faith Community in Excoriating and declaring Jihad upon the following blogs, which, in the name of your so-called Catholic Church of malignant and perfidious history, spit in the face of the peace loving peoples.

Totus Pius: PH,C+,T+,F,EM,RC,RT,O
Pope Benedict Fan Club: PH,C++,T,F,NC
Dyspeptic Mutterings: PH,C,EM,RT,R,F
Ad Dominum: PH,C,T
Adrienne's Catholic Corner: PH,O,C,T,R,EM
Vivificat: PH,F,T,O+,C,EM

Your Revererend Timothy Plarvik has encouraged me to be calm and peaceful, so I will not take that course of action which I feel would be most necessary to remove your offensive imperialist dog-monkey blogs from this peace-loving and worshipful faith community of the Spirit of Vatican II, may Allah be praised.

Hello Folks

I'm H Robert Williams. Most of my friends call me H Robert, many of my students called me "Doc H", but you can call me whatever you feel most comfortable with.

I am a recently retired professor from Villanoce College. I moved down here from the midwest to a place on Norris Lake with my wife Alice and my daughter Camille and her partner. We were so excited to find this loving community! It reminded me so much of "Happy Chapel" at Villanoce, but without the ivy and statues, the old silver maples, and the crumbling brick that gives colleges that special charm (and unfortunately a certain danger of getting trapped in the past or complacent in the present).

I had lunch with Father Tim last week and we were talking about how spirit-filled this community is and how there was a place for everybody to use their special and diverse talents in a spirited fellowship. I asked him if my background in contemporary theology and spirituality would be of use; so he told me about this "blog" and invited me to participate. Now, I'm a bit of a dinosaur when it comes to computers and the internet so I hope you will be patient with me; but more than that I hope that my "vintage" wisdom will provide a little impetus to helping SOV2 overcome some of the resistance of our sisters and brothers who are just a little afraid of change.

I plan to take it easy for a little while and look for some opportunities to put my two of three cents in where appropriate. There's a few projects I hope to bring up to Father Tim. First of all the lack of a mission statement for SOV2 which is a situation which needs to be addressed sooner rather than later. Also, a vision statement may be helpful. Another thing I would love to help with is a community outreach program. There are some excellent plays that the students at Villanoce put on that would work well in our own setting. I am thinking especially of a few by Ibsen which are still quite fresh and lively.

H Robert

Sunday, June 24, 2007

What does it mean to be a Faith Community

Hey how's it going!

For those of you who don't know me I'm Che' Lovell and I run the EcoChurch and ChurchOftheWorld Ministries. We have a lot of fun in our ministries because we eat vegan pizza and drink a lot of environmentally friendly water and think up stuff we can do to support this crazy world where we all live. Because you know there's just this one world and we all have to share it! And I don't just mean us crazy, bare-skinned, two-legged primates, but I mean all those little crawly things that you step on when your not paying attention and big elephants and fish and bats and turtles and the electric eel and termites and squid and dolphins. A lot of people think that dolphins are actually smarter than people and have psychic powers. Oh Yah! And body thetans too. We're all part of a big world community.

But you'll notice that my ministries EcoChurch and ChurchOftheWorld both have that funny word church in them. Sometimes republicans come by SOV2 and say "Hey what's with this faith community stuff" and "why are you afraid of using the word church?" and things like that. And after I yell at them for killing people all over the world with their stupid wars and stealing and stuff I usually tell them this:

You know church is something you do. Like "I'm church to you" or "let's be church together." its not about some white guy in Rome with a funny hat. That's the way you should understand it when I say Ecochurch I mean let's be church to the ecosystem. And its an action verb thing like EcoChurch = Protest against chicken killers or ChurchOftheWorld = Go tell republicans there stupid. That kind of thing.

Another question republicans often ask me is then what is a "faith community" And after I yell at them and tell them to stop opressing womyn by limitting choice and to get behind China's awesome One Child policy I usually say to them something like this.

A faith community is like all these people who get together and experience the lifeforce in the god-spirit through corporate meditation and celebrate in an open free-flowing environment not held down by the heavy chains of the past to soar upward being impelled by the dynamics of primacy of self-actuated conscience to reach a higher pinacle of consciousness that grows into a revelation of the inner connection that connects and unifies each of us through our diversity into the one great mystery that is EarthMother.

Anyway last night at the debate you could really feel the faith community stand up together. It was great! I'm sure that Father Tim and Maryann are extra-proud of us today as we come together to all be church together and stuff. And so let's get started and bring up the muffins that the twins made for us and let's all let our positive energy flow and stuff.

Oh YAH! and stick around afterwards because I brought my Collector's edition of Purple Rain on DVD and we're going to be showing that.

Saturday, June 23, 2007

Transcript of Debate


MODERATOR: Welcome to the debate! It’s great to see so many of you show up, especially on a Saturday. I’m going to get started right away because the management has a meeting of the East Tennessee Libertarian party scheduled in two hours and they need this room. First, some ground rules. The East Tennessee Rationalist’s Support & Therapy Club recognizes the male honorifics “Mister”, “Doctor,” and “Professor,” Since Dr. Hitchens has a PhD, he will be referred to as Dr. Hitchens. However, the Catholic Priest Timothy Plarvik does not have a doctorate and is not a professor, so he will be referred to as “Mr. Plarvik.” Secondly, there will be no interruptions. I say this particularly with regard to the beret-wearing gentlemen and his obese friend, who had been chanting “Fr. Tim! Fr. Tim!” a few minutes ago. Finally, the debate will be in the form of a series of questions posed by me, the moderator. If I choose, I will ask clarifying questions. But the point of this debate is to allow the debaters to freely explore rational differences in their viewpoints. So, without further ado, I will pose the first question, beginning with you, Mr. Plarvik… Does God exist?

PLARVIK: If by “God” you mean “the Life Spirit,” then, yes, it is easy to show that…

HITCHENS: Oh, shut the hell up, you addled hippy!

PLARVIK: I beg your pardon?

HITCHENS: You lovey-dovey christians with your hand-holding and prayers! You make me sick. You really believe that some white-robed old deity is going to rain fire and brimstone on you if you don’t do what he says?

PLARVIK: Of course not! I don’t believe anything like that at all. You seem to have me mistaken for…

[CHANTING FROM THE AUDIENCE: FR TIM! FR TIM! FR TIM!]

MODERATOR: This is the first warning to the audience to settle down and respect the rational debate that is occurring. Mr. Plarvik, please continue.

PLARVIK: Hey! I’m cool. Ché & Keith – settle down now. As I was saying, that old notion of a white…

HITCHENS: You see how this “loving” priest silences his own flock?

PLARVIK: Excuse me?

HITCHENS: Just now. You told your own supporters to be quiet and hold their tongues. That’s what you priests are all about. All you can do is stifle free speech and respectful dissent. Because any ideas… any science threatens to upset your fantasy world. You – you’re a little Torquemada, aren’t you? You’re a little Inquisitor – you can’t wait for the first chance you get to start putting people in their places. I bet you’re going to take your friends back to your Church and put them on a rack.

PLARVIK: Actually, I was just trying to get them to stop interrupting. The moderator said…

[CHANTING FROM THE AUDIENCE: FR TIM! FR TIM!]

MODERATOR: OK – that’s the second warning. I believe you still have the question, Mr. Plarvik, and do try to hurry along.

PLARVIK: OK, OK, Anyway, I agree with you completely that the old traditional picture of a personal god who gets upset when people make valid life-choices is a bunch of hooey, but that doesn’t mean that there isn’t an overall LifeSpirit who fills us with love much as empty cups are filled with…

HITCHENS: Shut up! Shut up! I can’t stand it! You rotten bastards with your [expletive deleted] and your [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted] sacred cows! If there were a hell, you’d be in it you [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted]. Look what you did to Darwin! Look what you did to Galileo and Copernicus and Tycho Brahe! Where’s your LifeSpirit then? Huh? You think you can just pass off your two thousand years of oppression by making some felt banners and distributing copies of I’m OK, You’re OK to your parishes? Look what you did to the freethinkers! Your whole Church is a charade perpetuated upon a simple population that you kept simple. What… what are you doing… sit down young lady…

MODERATOR: Please return to your seat.

PLARVIK: Ché – can you please keep Taheetee under control? Keith – sit down!

MODERATOR: OK – who threw that?

HITCHENS: I will not be intimidated!

MODERATOR: Stop it! Now! Hey! Let go!

HITCHENS: Owww! Owww! Oh God! Help!

PLARVIK: Hey everybody, settle down now…

HITCHENS: [unintelligible sounds]

Ecumenical Faith Community Picnic!

Hey! This is cool! I'm 'blogging from Maggie Valley on Sister Fairah's new iPhone! Anyway, great news everybody! Kate Po has finally gotten the plans together for the "parish" picnic, which will be held right here on the grounds of SOV2 on July 4th. Since most people get Imperialism Day off from work, this should be a great chance for fellowship and community. That's why I'm really excited to be able to honor the request of Fr. Chad over at SSLI Faith Community. You see, they've got a really small chapel and no parish grounds at all, so Fr. Chad asked if he could use SOV2 for their faith community picnic. I told him "No Way! But you're welcome to commune with us at our faith community picnic". I'm really jazzed about this. This will be our first ecumenical picnic. Please be extra-welcoming to the peoples of SSLI Faith Community so that they can see our Spirit and say "See how these SOViers love one another!" (that's a Bible quote).

Friday, June 22, 2007

going away too

Hey everyone
I've decided to meet Fr. Tim over at Maggie Valley for a mini-retreat myself. I was in a coffee shop recently, and someone started piping in some horrible Latin chant garbage. Ever since, I've not been able to concentrate or keep things straight. So a retreat is definitely needed. I'll be back mid-week.

MaryAnn, keep an eye on the blog for me, and let me know if anyone suggests any topnotch colleges!

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Worship Space Modification


Hello. Your Reverend Timothy Plarvik asked me to place a post on this Blog. I will do so and then comment. The post he asked me to make for you is in reference to the website Everything You Knew is Wrong which he has banned as PH, C, T, O, NC. But he noticed on this website that there was a picture of a very liberated altar with a beautiful coffee-pot. As the author of that website did not know where to obtain such a coffee pot, your Reverend Timothy Plarvik would like to ask all members of the Faith Community to search the internet and any stores that they may know of. The picture of the coffee pot can be seen at This Posting.

My comment is this. Did you know that Mormons do not drink coffee? I am offended on their behalf by the idea that your Reverend Timothy Plarvik would bring a discriminatory fluid onto the Spirit of Vatican II Catholic Faith Community grounds. Also this coffee pot has a cross on top. The Cross is offensive to moslems, and also to Jews and others. But I am not the Imam of this place. So you must do as your leader instructs.

What a Pope should be about!

Hey, we finally had our EcoChurch/ChurchoftheWorld meeting and it was really great. Having the TEAM back was great. We talked about all the hollywood stuff that's been happening and then we had a craft where we all made our own Berets. We're going to design badges for our berets that represent what it means to be church to each other next time so make sure you swing by. I'm thinking my bade is going to be either a rainbow or a fist, or maybe a rainbow fist. I'm not sure but something like that.

Anyway, our discussion was about what a Pope should be about. I mean, a lot of people think you don;t need to have a pope but what they don't realize is that there's nothing wrong with that as long as the pope can be anyone or anybody. So here are my criteria.

1. The pope should be a democrat or a green party candidate. I'm thinking maybe Kennedy or Bill Bradley but Ralph Nader might be good too. I've had enough of these republican popes there so judgemental. And republicans are stupid.

2. The pope should be all about listening to people. He shouldn't be telling people what to do all the time that's just stupid. Did Jesus tell people what to do? I don't think so.

3. The pope should be humble. He should like move out of vatican castle and live in an apartment someplace.

4. The pope should stop lecturing people all the time. What makes him so special that he thinks his version the bible is right?

5. I think the pope should probably be a unitarian or something if possible. Or a scientologist.

6. The pope should be in a commited relationship. I'm not saying he has to be married, but he needs to know what its like to struggle like regular people. And he probably should be a woman at least half the time.

7. He should be pastoral. I'm not sure what that means actually but one of the Bouvet twins suggested that and I think their probably right.

8. The pope should dress more like a regular person. I'm thinking ditch the white robes and stuff and put on some jeans and a tee-shirt once in a while. I mean, things are way too up tight.

9. The pope should have abssolute power to tell people to stop fighting and stuff and to clean up the environment. If he says something about war or polution or immigration everybody should stop what their doing and do what he or she said but only if he says something like "STOP FIGHTING" or "STOP POLUTING" or "OPEN YOUR BORDERS" and "REDISTRIBUTE WEALTH NOW!" if he said something like "FIGHT" or "ITS OKAY TO DESTROY THE ENVIRONMENT" or something like that you don't have to listen to him

10. The pope should have a cool name that makes sense! No more of these Pius's or Johns or Pauls or Benedicts. I mean look at all those numbers. What there's been 200 pope john's or something and about eighteen paul's and a half a dozen benedicts? Can't we just get something original like Pope Earthchild or Pope Skyspirit.

Anyway that's my list.

Che'

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Good news!

I saw Keith at Fort Sanders hospital and he looked good. I know a couple people asked me whatsup with Keith being back and all because wasn't he #1 supposed to go to Canada and then #2 arrested by the Karns police and then #3 sent to Guantanamo and then #4 abducted by aliens and then #5 reappeared falling from a black hellicopter, and then #6 suddenly shows up in the hospital? Well yah all that is true and everything but except for #3, #4, and #5 which wasn't true because as we can see somebody mistook a much thinner person for him and then he never really went to GITMO and then also that wasn't him falling out of the hellicopter as agent smith told me but just the moonlight passing through swamp gas or something.

Anyway, what happened was Keith thought there was a draft coming and so was trying to escape to Canada but then was arrested for something I don't understand. Anyway he posted bail and was hanging out in his mom's basement and e-mailing us and stuff. He's supposed to go back to court but because of this surgery thing its been held off.

Anyway Father Tim is heading back on retreat again at Maggie Valley and wanted me to let people know that either Maryann's going to be covering for him or Al-Fakkir but I'm not supposed to give a sermon "no matter what!" But I was thinking you know I'm CHURCH TOO and so I'm starting to write one up just in case. I think I'm going to do one on my "ideal Pope" which is going to be really great. A lot of people think I'm against having Popes and stuff but not at all. We just need the right kind of Pope. Anyway it looks like things are finally getting back to normal (finally!)

Che'

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

New Rectory


Hey! Just thought all my 'blog readers would like to see a picture of the New Rectory. It's right down Cunningham Road, but please be aware that the gates are normally closed. See you soon!

coming soon to a blog near you....

Hey
Since my last post is now on a "previous post" page, which NEVER get looked at, I wanted to let everyone who commented know that I LOVE all the suggestions, and I'm drafting a set of criteria for good and (separately) bad Catholic colleges. However, the research is taking a little while. Please keep adding ideas, if you have any. Use the combox. Thanks. I especially need names of other GOOD CATHOLIC SPIRITED colleges.

Matt Johnson You are a SELLOUT

Okay, I don't usually post two manifestos on the same day but my blood is really boiling. People who know me know that I don't like TV very much because of stuff like FoxNews but I do like a lot of shows like Dharma and Greg and Will and Grace and The View and stuff like that plus I watch CNN sometimes but it is so much IN THE TANK to republicans its sick.

Oh and I watch SURVIVOR and DANCING WITH THE STARS and AMERICAN IDLE and a few other shows like all the CSIs and the SOPRANOS and all the Law and Order shows and I watch the OSCARS if they're on.

Oh YAH! I forgot I also watch Buffy the Vampire slayer reruns and STARGATE and I watch just about everything on Animal Planet especially Meercat manner and I watch a lot of TLC shows too. And sometimes I watch some of the cartoons like Kim Possible and I like the Disney channel and I pretty much keep E! going non-stop because I need to stay in touch. But TV is the opiate of the people and almost everything else is just on to teach you to serve the CAPITALIST WAR-MONGERING BUSH ADMINISTRATION.

But I happened to be watching it when a comercial for M&Ms came on and you know what they were playing as theme music? They were playing "This is the Day" by The The. MATT JOHNSON YOU ARE A LOSER! Where is the guy who made a recording with Sinead O'Connor? Where is the guy who came up with the phrase "This is the 51st State of the USA" Where is the hero who stood up to corporate greed, american imperialism, and consumerism? HE SOLD OUT TO A CANDY COMPANY!

Don't you know that M&Ms are making little kids FAT. Have you considered the health costs? Do you know how many packets of M&Ms Keith ate a day? He ate ten king sized bags A DAY. Matt Johnson, you made Keith fat and that's why he is in the hospital right now getting stomach stapling surgery. I thought you were COOL but you are bad and so I am DISINVITING YOU TO MY JULIA ROBERTS FILM FESTIVAL. I'm also burning all my The The CD's. Except of course for Mind Bomb because that's awesome.

CHE#

Hack Job from Republicans at Fox News

Oooooooooh! I am so MAD.

Those STUPID republicans at Fox News are slandering my namesake Che Guevara calling him a murderer who wanted to nuke New York City and other stuff (see http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,284118,00.html) Well what do you expect from LYING people like Shawn Hannity who claims to be a "Catholic" but is all anti-choice and anti-indigenous peoples. Then he's all like Angelina Jolie has a tattoo of him as if that were a bad thing. Well next to Julia Roberts I think Angelina Jolie is COOL.

I mean I don't think he's dead or anything but remember he was "allegedly" killed by the CIA even before Vatican 2. I'm pretty sure which makes him like a prophet and a martyr to the CAUSE. Che' was awesome and he was all about the peoples and if he said maybe a couple things which weren't so great he was AHEAD of HIS TIME and we need to respect the SPIRIT of CHE. Che' liberated literally billions of people all over the world!

Che' can't be some murderer because people like Madonna and Bellafonte and Carlos Santana all like him. They do research and stuff and their not about agendas like Ruport Murdoch but their all about peoples. I mean do these people at FoxNews actually think all these awesome people would support a MURDERER?

So whose next on your hit list FoXNews! Is it the other great revolutionaries like Robert Mugabe or Hugo Chavez or Fidel Castro? FOXNEWS you've gone to far this time! Its time to take to the streets people. This can't stand! The STATE must shut down FoxNEWS NOW!

CHE!

Monday, June 18, 2007

Upcoming Debate!

Another Great Banner!


Hey! Wow! Emily is really cranking out a whole lot of new banners to replace the ones that got messed up during the stuff that happened at the beginning of June. This one is really neat, because it has that whole "new day in the Church" motif and it also uses the text of one of my favorite Marty Haugen songs. Keep up the great work, Emily!

To Show You The Way


Hello. I was most pleased to discover the following excellent news on the internet:

Episcopalian Priestess is also Muslim

This news came to me by the Curt Jester who is a very bad man and who will soon have a fatwah issued against him.

But the article is very good and shows that it is possible to evolve as a faithful person. I encourage you to study this article and understand how it is possible to be both Christian and Muslim. This is part of the great dialectic of history. Just as economics has a dialectic, so too does faith. There was first the dialectic of Jew and Pagan. In this tension, Judaism emerged victorious in the form of Christianism. Then there was the great dialectic of Christian and Muslim. In this dialectic, Islam will emerge victorious, but with parts of Christianity.

I have spoken many times with your Reverend Timothy, and he is in full agreement. He has authorized the construction of a minaret at the Spirit of Vatican II Catholic Faith Community.

Peace be upon you.

Sunday, June 17, 2007

Homily, Sunday June 17

What a joyful noise you have been making! This is certainly a spirit filled celebration! I don't want to damp down your enthusiasm, but I've got an extra-long homily planned for today [wait for laughter]. Seriously, there are just a few things I'd like to touch on.

First of all, Maryann talked me into reading this book called "The Lord of the Rings." At first I thought it was a book about telemarketers [wait for laughter] but it turns out it's a book about these people called "Hobbits" who live in this place called "the Shire." And boy! Is it a neat book! I've only just started it, but let me tell you something. Those Hobbits are Church! You can see it in the way they live in common with nature and the environment. It's really cool. I can't wait to read more about them. So far, all I can tell is that there's this really bad wizard named Gandalf, who kind of represents the Pope. You know, all the Hobbits are happy and being church together, and then this tall guy with a pointed hat shows up and starts telling them what to do. I hope that this Gandalf guy isn't in the book too much, because it would really wreck it for me.

On a related note, my campaign to be the next Bishop of Knoxville is going really well. Ché has designed a neat poster, which you can see all around the walls of the church here. We'll be selling the posters and bumperstickers after mass, or you can purchase one during the offeratory. The suggested price is $25 per bumpersticker, but we'll take more if you're willing to give. Let's remember that I'm not running to be Bishop for myself, but for you, so that I can bring the Spirit of Vatican 2 to the rest of the diocese.

Also, I'd like to thank you for your warm reception of Dr. Thomas, who has been making a real impact here at SOV2. He seems to have taken an especial liking to Ché, but I really think that the biggest impact will come from the many discussions he has been having with Maryann. Look forward to some new and innovative things in the liturgy!

And speaking of the liturgy, I was reading all about the Dark Ages before Vatican 2, and I found out that priests used to celebrate the mass with their backs to the congregation, sort of shutting them out from the whole mass. Well, the Spirit got that turned around, and now the priest and the congregation face each other. Here at SOV2, we've got it even better, because with a "Church-in-the-round" design, the body of the congregation also "faces itself." But I realized that we're not all the way there! The parishioners in the front row have their backs to the parishioners in the second row. The parishioners in the second row have their backs to the parishioners in the third row. And so on. Do you see what I'm saying? We're still turning our backs on each other.

So I've asked Clyde to help out with a new project. I'm going to turn the first row of seats so that it faces the second row of seats, and the third row so that it faces the fourth row. And so on. That way, while we're having mass, we can really all look at each other, which is super-important to having a really good mass and focusing on the real meaning. We should have all the seats rearranged by next Sunday.

Whew! I'm just getting started [wait for laughter]. There's also another issue of all the people we've had to ban and kick out of the parish. As you might expect, a lot of them are really desiring to get back in. Some have suggested that we have a special "re-entry" procedure whereby someone can get prayed on and can be church with us again. I'm going to put this to a vote. All in favor of such a procedure say "aye." [wait for ayes] All opposed say neigh [wait for neighs]. OK, the ayes have it. we'll set up something in the next week or so.

Before I wrap this up, I'd like to encourage you all to join us in the special prayer service this Monday. As you know, one of our faithful communitarians, Keith, is going under the knife for stomach-stapling surgery. Please join us for a prayer vigil so that we can send warm thoughts his way.

Also, I would like to let you know about something really scary that happened this week on my 'blog. We've been getting a lot of attention for our Spirit and our Churchiness, but sometimes this interest is not very good. Just this week, we've drawn the attention of a group of Pre-Vatican II terrorists who call themselves Totus Pius and all take the names of Popes. They're making some sort of threats to blow up our beautiful Church building. I would like you to keep an eye out for anyone wearing priest clothes or looking really stern, and let the parish office know immediately. So that you don't feel unsafe, I should let you know that Dr. Thomas Al-Fakkir has offered to get some of his friends to stand guard on the parish. They will be the ones with the white robes and hats, or with the checkered head scarfs, or the black cloths over their faces. Anyway, they have asked that during the hours that they are present, that no womyn show their faces. Frankly, I'm a little upset about this and to protest this blatant discrimination, I would like all womyn and myn to wear full "burkas" while they are on parish grounds. That will show these necessary bodyguards that while they may discriminate between myn and womyn, we do not! The burkas are available in the vestibule for $75 each. To economize, I ordered special "Plarvik for Bishop" burkas that have the same logo as on the posters. I would also like to say please don't complain to Dr. Thomas' friends about this discrimination, because they are just being Church in their own way - we can't judge them. It's not like they are Christians or something civilized - they just don't know any better. Anyway, this should be a temporary measure, since I've asked Fr. Kane if he can send down a couple of vans of the Brothers of Love to help protect the faith community.

Oh - I almost forgot. Dr. Thomas's friends also asked us to take down any crosses or crucifixes we might have on the grounds. Fortunately we don't have any, but please be considerate and if you do have one of those pre-Vatican II necklaces or rosaries or something, make sure it stays hidden.

Hopefully this threat will pass without serious incident, like the threats we've faced over the last couple of months. In the meantime, thanks for all your help on my campaign, and let's all relax and get ready for the Faith Community Picnic!

Finally, and I mean finally [wait for laughter], I'm happy to announce that we've acquired a new rectory to replace the one that got exploded. This one is off of the parish grounds. We wouldn't have been able to afford it if it were not for an anonymous donation by Dr. and Mizz Argot. How about a round of applause for Dr. & Mizz Argot? [wait for applause and probably standing ovation]. Thanks! You guys are the best! Since Me and Maryann and Todd and a few others will be moving off of the F.C. grounds, we won't be quite so available as we have been in the past. I hope this doesn't cause too much inconvenience, but we think it will have the added benefit of giving us time to start the practice of eastern meditation, which Maryann is all into.

Now let's get on with this mass! [wait for applause]

I'm back from the labyrinth!

It's been a great week, everyone!

Last weekend's concert with Marty Haugen, David Haas, and Don Schulte was incredible. I stayed up hanging out with the Sisters of St. Joseph, learned about Reiki, Healing Touch, and spending time in the Labyrinth with Starhawk!

I even got her autograph!

Anyway, now that I'm a Healing Touch practitioner, and I have a full array of crystals, I'll be taking appointments for anyone interested. We can work on healing auras, diseases, blemishes, all those things. I'll also be giving a class on Centering Prayer, and through that, we'll be working on conversing with the divinity within so that we can self-actualize and become the deities we are!

Next weekend, I should be well versed enough in Tarot and will be holding a seminar in Astrology, Enneagram, and Tarot in the Spirit Maze at 9 pm. We will be surrounded by the torches to represent the divine masters who have gone before us, and after that, if someone has interest, I think I can get that guy from "Crossing Over" to hold a seance for us. We might have to schedule that for a different weekend, though.

It's going to be a really exciting summer here at SOV2!

Equality in Scripture and Study

In my recent travels, I was ASTONISHED to find there are still faith communities that use an anti-womyn translation of the bible. So, as spiritual advisor, I think it’s only appropriate I let everyone know there is the most awesome translation of the bible: http://www.quixote.org/pfe/books.html. It’s all about equality. I hope EVERYONE at SOV2 will order a copy. The priest who translated it (Priests for Equity) seem pretty cool too. Fr. Tim, maybe you could get one of them to be your assistant?

And an unrelated topic: We, like every community, lately had a group of seniors graduate from high school. As spiritual advisor, I was asked more than once to suggest a GOOD Catholic College. Well, I’ve had a hard time knowing what to say. There are some Catholic colleges that are Catholic in name only, and don’t really have the SPIRIT of the body of Christ. Stubville (in Ohio, I think) and some College in Florida with a Latin Name (I tend to block out all things Latin) being the most notable. I know of a few REALLY GOOD Catholic colleges, such as Loyola in Chicago, Notre Dame and Gonzaga. But other than those, I was at a loss. I’d really like input from the community: What would be some TRUE Spirited Catholic Colleges & Universities? What would we include as criteria? Please reply via the combox. Thanks for your help!

Saturday, June 16, 2007

Banned 'Blog

Hey! In getting ready to be Bishop, I realized that while I'm pretty good with words, I'm maybe not so good at sounding all official, which is something that you've just gotta do if you're gonna be Bishop. So I'm practicing around the rectory (and it's driving Maryann crazy!). Anyway, here's a little housekeeping done in my new Bishop-Style

I, Reverend Tim Plarvik, future Bishop of Knoxville, in consulation with the Motherly Essence and acting with all due priviledge accorded to me by my status as the pastor of SOV2, the leader of my flock, and the watchwarden of a particular province of the Great Earth, hereby ban the following 'blog and declare it to be an Offense Against the Spirit of Vatican 2 for any faith community member to visit it:

Bonfire of the Vanities: PH, C+,T,F,UM,POD

Thank you all for your willful cooperation with the Spirit of Vatican 2.

New 'Blog Rating Codes

Hey! A few readers have "posted" that there are not enough 'blog rating codes, so I'm releasing the following new codes to help you discriminate amongst the various 'blogs that are on the internet:

UM = Ultramontanism
RT = Radical Traditionalism (RadTrad)
POD = Pious, Overly-Devotional
NC = Neocatholic
CF = Cathlofascist
BS = Bells & Smells
IT = Intolerant

In order to avoid an extreme proliferation of 'blog codes, there is also: "NLU", which encompasses all of the above and should be your clearest warning against a 'blog.

NLU = Not Like Us

Feeling kind of glum, oh yah, Nat

Hey SOV2ers.

A while ago Nat wrote me and asked about everybody being sinners and stuff and since we were all sinners how that meant that we didn't have any right to tell anybody else how to live and stuff. I guess that's all true because I think if you really want to do something that means your supposed to do it because otherwise your just LYING to yourself and anyway you can't help it. I'm just glad I don't want to do anything really gross like eating cows or something because I don't think I could stand that.

Well, I don't know if he ever heard of the song "Spirit in the Sky" which is one of my favorite hymns that we used to sing together at church before Todd came and messed everything up but there's a line in that which goes like "Never been a sinner I never sinned" and that kind of sums up how I feel but I know that people with Body Thetans like everybody else can't help it really.

Father Tim tells me not to talk about Body Thetans because he wasn't sure if there were such things. And though its always good to be open minded there were a few things like FRED THOMPSON and NUCLEAR POWER and things that you should be CLOSE-MINDED about. But I WAS hooked up to the machine and everything and in fact it did say ZERO so I'm pretty sure that they do exist otherwise why would so many people be going out and becoming scientologists and paying all that money and things. And when I asked Father Tim he didn't say anything but kind of looked at me and shook his head and said to keep working on his campaign for Biship.

Just wanted everybody to know that I'm really sorry for being mad at you all. I know you can't help it that you're always laughing at me. Sometimes I think your all really just Catholofascists who are pretending to be nice especially that Winnie person who I'm almost sure is actually a REPUBLICAN because he wants us to vote for Ron Paul who is majorly anti-womyn and anti-INDIGENEOUS people and anti-SOCIALISM. I bet he's against nationalizing health care which means he just wants poor people to die. But then I think well at least Britnee isn't a Catholofascist so there's something to be happy about maybe.

Well, it's late and me and my Julia Roberts plushie are going up to bed.

Che'

Friday, June 15, 2007

Ecumenism


Greetings. I am Dr. Thomas Al-Fakkir. You may call me Thomas, Thom, Dr. Al-Fakkir, or just Doctor. But please do not call me Dr. Thomas. I find that to be an offensive term of address.

Your Reverend Timothy Plarvik has given me the job of Director of Ecumenical Outreach at Spirit of Vatican II Catholic Faith Community. But I did not accept this job. The job I accepted is the Director of Ecumenical inreach! What is the difference, you ask?

Outreach is a means of changing others - making them more like us. The Catholic Church has a long and sordid history of Outreach. First the Church Outreached to the pagans, and killed them in great numbers. Then the Chuch outreached to the Jews, and slew them as well. Then the Church outreached to the Moslem Peoples, and drove them from their lands. If this was not enough, the Church even outreached to other Christian Faiths, imprisoning, torturing, and depriving them of life.

No. It is not Outreach we need, but Inreach. For this is what Ecumenism is. This is what your Spirit of Vatican II calls us to do. To reach in. To reach in to ourselves, to our faith community, and to ask: "What is it that makes us repulsive? What is it that causes us to shun others, to close our doors?"

You may be aware of a Great Crusade being carried forth in the name of the Church by the warmonger George Bush? We must ask ourselves "How have we made this war happen?" and "Why are we killing so many Moslems?"

Yes my friends, we must Inreach. So that is who and what I am. I am the Director of Ecumenical Inreach. If you must shorten this, as you have with the name of your faith community, then you may call me the D.E.I. or DEI.

As your Reverend Timothy Plarvik has said, you will find me in all corners of your faith community. Inreaching. When I see something I do not like, I will challenge you.

I will not however be always here at S.O.V.2. I have a very busy schedule, which follows:

Monday: Knoxville Rotarians Banquet Night
Tuesday: Potluck Night at the Knoxville Unitarian Universalist Temple
Wednesday: Worship Service at Gay Street United Methodist
Thursday: Meeting of the East Tennessee Rationalists
Friday: Evening Prayer at Al-Hasqa Mosque
Saturday: Morning Shibboleth at Ben Stiller Synagogue
Sunday: Sunrise Service at First Church of the Nazarene, 10am Mass at SOV2

Peace Be Upon You

Campaign Poster


Hey! Ché helped design this really neat Campaign Poster for my Campaign to be the new Bishop of Knoxville. I'm also using this poster to unveil my new Campaign Slogan: "A Magisterium of One". Pretty neat, huh? I'll be making some Campaign Appearances over the next couple of weeks. Since most of the local "Parishes" are sort of off limits, I'll be speaking from the stage at Market Square. Maryann also has me booked to debate someone called Christopher Hitchins. Apparently he is really excited to debate me. I look forward to seeing you all at the various events. You can be my entourage!

More Banned 'Blogs

Hey! Since I've announced that I'm in the race for Bishop, I've been getting a lot of HATE EMAIL from all sorts of Neocathlofascist RadTrad BellSmellers. Here are some more 'blogs that I've had to put off-limits:

Called By Name: C+,T,F
Pro Ecclesia: PH, R, C, T, O
The Digital Hairshirt: PH, T, C, O, F
Quo Vadis?: PH, T+, F, C
Overheard in the Sacristy: PH, T, C+, F
St. Fiacre's Garden: PH, O, T
Back To Catholicism: PH, T, C
The Provincial Emails: PH, R, C, O
Tom & Jerry: PH, C, R
Simon-Peter Says: PH, C, T, F

Note that that last one is a papist site (Simon-Peter refers to the pope). Keep those campaign contributions coming! Just to let you all know, Dr. and Mizz Argot made an anonymous donation of $150,000 to my campaign, so we're off and running!

Campaign Announcement

Hey! You know, Winnie the Catholic has been making some great "posts" here, and after a lot of personal inventories and searching, I realized that one of the things she's trying to tell me is that we've got to get involved. So, after having rejected the idea before, I have decided to throw my towel in the ring in the race to be the new Knoxville Bishop. Ché Lovell will be my campaign manager, and has already made some great bumper stickers, which will be on sale in the vestibule on Sunday.


I appreciate all of your support. If I actually get to be Bishop, then I can do alot of really neat things, like make SOV2 one of the "parishes" of the diocese, ordain Maryann, and lots of stuff like that.

Thursday, June 14, 2007

About Dr. Al-fakkir

Hey! Well, I guess there was some sort of unfortunate incident involving Ché and our new Director of Ecumenical Outreach, Dr. Thomas Al-fakkir. I'm sorry to hear this, particularly as during the hullaballoo, one of Maryann's back-issues of Commonweal was damaged, and boy is she upset!

But I wanted to take a moment and say that you should all give a lot of free reign to Dr. Al-fakkir. He was kind enough to join us here at SOV2. Dr. Al-fakkir is very experienced in Ecumenical Outreach, and I'm sure that he can help us see the ways in which we can not only be church to one another, but also be eucharist to people who aren't even in our faith community! Think of it like an ever expanding circle of love. Sure there's going to be tension, but Dr. Al-fakkir can help us expand our love circle until it includes everyone! So cut him a little slack and remember that he has some new, exciting, and innovative ideas that he'll be trying out around SOV2.

Another Mimi (From Adoro)

Hey! So, Adoro "tagged" me with a "mimi" for my 'blog. I'm still not sure how these things work, but here goes!

Here are the rules: Share four things that were new to you in the past four years. Four things you learned or experienced or explored for the first time in the past four years. Then share four things you want to try new in the next four years.

Things that were new to me:
  1. Math Labs
  2. Spirit-Maze Wandering
  3. Ramadan
  4. Caramel Popcorn


Things that I want to try next:
  1. Skinny Dipping
  2. Any new flavor of Ben & Jerry's
  3. The Olde Testament
  4. Pilgrimage to Anthony deMello's Tomb


Thanks for the "tag", Adoro! In turn, I tag the Cathofascists at Sterquilinium,, Adoro, and Ron Paul.

The preferred non-violent weapon

Hey peoples, as you know I am a pacifist but every now and then one must respond to situations where one is attacked in a violent manner. Yes the god-spirit has said we should turn the other cheek and I'm all about that you know but sometimes for the good of the attacker one needs to stop the attack before they hurt themselves too bad by not being careful and besides sometimes they are a republican or something and the god-spirit clearly wasn't thinking about them and your supposed to hit them (Remember all the republicans in the temple how the god-spirit drove them out!) Anyway a recent situation came up and I got a first hand comparison at two nonviolent weapons in action in a real-life life or death encounter with another person who I won't say who it is because it's someone new here and I don;t want to make them feel bad or get angry or anything.

Now I tried to defend myself using a roled up copy of commonweal. Though commonweal is really well-written and insightful and extra-glossy I found that it was not able to thwart the attack. I repeatedly hit my attacker a bunch of times and it simply didn't even draw his attention which is what it was supposed to do. The magazine kind of crumpled up and bent a lot and pages started to fall out and things and soon enough it was like I was hitting him with nothing at all which isn't good.

Fortunately Adoro was there to demonstrate another alternative weapon called First Things which is not as nice appearing because the cover looks like cardboard and stuff and it doesn't roll up so well and stuff and there's no pretty pictures or anything and way too many words and stuff. I mean it looks kind of like a pizza box but really thin. When Adoro saw my situation she hit Tom Al-fakkir once on the head with it (not even rolled up or anything but just plane flat, because she was holding it by two corners). He immediately lifted his head up and she hit him a second time and his eyes rolled into the back of his head and he was immediately passifated and things. The cool thing was that the magazine looked like it could still be used again.

I think the difference is in the weighty construction because even if they are about the same thickiness (actually First Things is maybe a little more thickier) there seems to be more stuff in First Things than in commonwael and I think it also maybe is made of tougher stuff because of how easily commonwael just flew apart when I tried to defend myself with it. So I recomend that we all go out and buy copies of First Things and keep it with us at all times. I'm sure it also works awesome with evangelical protestants and republicans. BUT DON'T READ IT! Because if Adoro likes it its probably not very church and stuff.

Che'

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

What's with the new guy?

I was out in the spirit garden planting more SOV2 trees when all of a sudden I hear this scream and this guy jumps down on me and starts wrestling me. But I'm not too upset because I think it's probably Todd or something because Todd's kind of mad because of the peace bell thing with all the SOV2 trees and the fact that I borrowed the money from the collection to buy a big screen TV for the Fidel room for our team meetings (Erin Brokovich is AWESOME when the screen is 48"!) which was supposed to get new instruments for his ministry. But why they need anything more than some garbage cans and sticks and a couple of pots I don't know because their always just LOUD.

But it wasn't Todd it was this new guy Tom or Thomas or whatever and he was really just going nuts or something because I had apparently shown him the Soul of my Shoe at our pastoral council meeting. And if Adoro hadn't happened to be walking by and pulled him off me I think he may have actually done something worse or something.

Anyway Father Tim could you talk to him because its bad enough worrying about what Todd's going to do and now I have to look out for this guy.

Che'

Mimi

Hey! Someone named Paramedic Girl "tagged" me with a "mimi". I don't know what this is supposed to mean, but Ché tells me that I'm supposed to write about "Things that (or People who) don't bother me", with some sort of list, and then go "tag" other people. So here goes!

  1. Charles Curran
  2. Dorothy Day's Undergarments
  3. Pet Dander
  4. Flying Solo
  5. Being thought gay
  6. Grave Sins
  7. Lou Reed
  8. Women Priests
  9. The 1970's
  10. Unusually Shaped Churches
  11. Madonna (hubba, hubba!)
  12. Getting lost in the Spirit-Maze
  13. Frostbite
  14. When there are missing pages in America magazine
  15. Youth in Asia
  16. Ex-nuns in pantsuits (hubba, hubba!)
  17. Bostonians


There you go! Now I tag Fr. LeJanvier, Fidel Castro, and Cardinal Mahoney.

Terrible Mistake!


Hey! Well, I'm human... and I can make mistakes. And boy! Did I make a big one! I'm sure glad I didn't speak "Ex Sterquilinium" as that would have made my pronouncement an infallible utterance of the Spirit of Vatican II. But anyway, I finally looked into that Ron Paul guy, and boy! What was I thinking? He's Anti-Choice, Anti-Poor, and all-in-all, just a Republican! I knew that I should have trusted Ché's instincts on this one, but when I saw that he was Bill Maher's hero, I thought "he must be super!" I mean, that's like getting Michael Moore's endorsement, or even Rosie O'Donnell! But I guess Maher hasn't done his research on this one. The only thing that Paul has going for him is that he's Pro-not-war. But he's Anti-United Nations, Anti-no-property-rights, and Anti-no-high-taxes. Doesn't this guy realize that we are all Citizens of the World? He's also Anti-Undocumented Guest Worker. Big Time. As far as I can tell, this guy is just a Pseudo-Con.

Anyways, I ask the forgiveness of the Spirit and of the faith community. I will not lead you astray again!

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Announcement!


I want you all to extend a warm welcome to SOV2's new Director of Ecumenical Outreach, Dr. Thomas Al-fakkir. As you know, we've been looking for a DEO for some time. I really don't feel that we're plugged in enough to all the other faith traditions in the area. Tom comes with an impressive background of gentle understanding - he's a master of comparitive theology and is really able to break down the barriers between peoples. You'll see him around the grounds in the next few days. He's going to be leading some tours with people from other faith communities. Make sure you give him a big hi-ho!

Great Idea!


Hey! One of the people "commenting" on this 'blog mentioned a name I hadn't heard of... Ron Paul! I went and did some research (well, Maryann really did the research), and it turns out this Ron Paul guy is really neat, and is running to be the next president! To be honest, I was really up in the air about who to vote for. There are so many good choices. I was really thinking of voting for Rudy, but he's so into war and crime and whatnot. Also, Hillary is very pro-war. But Ron Paul is pro-peace, pro-choice, and really attractive. The only down side is that he is a Republican, but I think that he's kind of like John Mccain - you know, just pretending to be Republican. One thing I'm not sure about is whether he has a preferential option for the poor, and it's not real clear if he really, really loves the environment.

Monday, June 11, 2007

The Six Gifts of the Spirit of Vatican II

Hey! Well, Maryann just got done with a lecture series on the Spirit of Vatican II, and I thought I'd summarize some of the stuff we all learned with a quick index of the Gifts of the Spirit of Vatican II.


  1. Conscience: Considered by some to be the greatest gift, the gift of Conscience was imparted by the Spirit of Vatican II so that Catholics didn't have to listen to somebody else to know what was right.

  2. Freethinking: Second only to Conscience, the gift of Freethinking means that instead of having to rely on tedious research or reading smelly old books, you can use your mind to come up with alternative ways of making decisions about things

  3. Change: Considered by some to be the greatest gift, the gift of change means that we can never be stuck in a rut - everything is new, every day! As a matter of fact, that's one of the ways you can sin against the Spirit of Vatican II - by trying to "turn back the clock" or "do it old-school"

  4. Meat on Fridays: Hey! This one is obvious! Who doesn't enjoy a nice hamburger on Friday?

  5. Pride: Before Vatican II, Catholics weren't proud of their Church. Now pride is everywhere. You can see it in the beautiful rainbow sashes every pentecost!

  6. Doubt: This is a great gift - it keeps us from become Clericalists. What a beautiful thing it is to doubt everything. Combined with the gift of freethinking, it really keeps us on our toes! Of course, this doesn't mean that you can doubt the Spirit of Vatican II, but everything else is OK!



Thanks, Maryann!

Double 'Blog Banning!

Hey! Well, it seems like my old nemesis from the seminary, a certain Fr. Chad LeJanvier, has resurfaced in Knoxville and is setting up shop right down the street in the Old City. This really sucks. Fr. Chad was one of those goody-goodies back in the seminary, and he was completely opposed to Vatican II! Forget rad-trad... Chad is a grand-dad-trad! He runs around in one of those old priest dresses and the weird square beret, and he's always going on about "dogma-this" and "doctrine-that." I'll never forget the time he tried to turn me in to the prefect for throwing an altar-wine tasting party. And then there was the time I tried to get him kicked out of the Ancient Order of Hibernians. I mean, come on! LeJanvier? That's a Spanish name if I ever heard one... and he tries to pass himself off a some sort of Scot. Anyway, I already put his 'blog on the banned 'blog list, but now I'm double-banning it, and his "church." Any parishioners who visit the SSLI parish will have to atone by spending an hour in the labarynth contemplating the Six Gifts of the Spirit of Vatican II. Which leads me to my next post...

How you can reduce your carbon footprint

Peoples of SOV2. I just wanted to tell you that you are not helpless in your fight against Carbon Dioxide. I mean just because Big Tobacco and Big Oil and Big Nuclear Power want you to think there's nothing you can do they are all LYING.


There are these things called carbon offsets that you can buy that will actually REDUCE THE AMOUNT OF CO2! But even more awesome I want to tell you about one of these carbon offsets which I am getting. It's called SPIRIT OF VATICAN 2 TREES. Me and Keith came up with the idea and I'll tell you how they work. What you do is send us a check for $2,000 and we will either send you your very own SOV2 tree seed pod or we'll plant one for you in the spirit maze/contemplation labyrinth (depends on if you live too far away for us to hand it to you at the faith community assembly).
The way these work is that plants breathe in CO2 and release out Oxygen. Really! Anyway one of these little trees can grow a whole lot. My own SOV2 tree has already spread out across nearly half an acre this spring. And the other neat thing is that they are really leafy and stuff. So send us your check and we'll help you become a Carbon Sink not a carbon source.
Che'

Sunday, June 10, 2007

A Whole Mess of Anti-Spirit 'Blogs

Hey! What's going on out there? It seems like everytime I check out a new 'blog, it's one of those Rad-Trad Neocath Traddie 'blogs. Honestly, I know how Manny Kant felt when he said "ein kinder ist ins das wasser gerfallen!" Anyhow, here are the latest batch of 'blogs that shouldn't be patronized by peoples who are in communion with the Spirit of Vatican II:

The Cafeteria is Closed: PH,T,C,F,EM,O,R
Jimmy Akin: PH,T,C,F
Dad29: R+,O,T
Ad Majorem Dei Gloriam: PH,R,C,F
SSLI: PH,C+,T,F,EM
The Troglodyte: PH,C,R,O
Roman Sacristan: C,T,F,M
Absolutely No Spin: T,F,C

The following "links" have just been updated by me!

Chironomo's Podium: PH,F,T+,O,EM,C
Adam's Ale: C+,T,EM

Note that this is the WORST batch of 'blogs yet! Visiting any of these 'blogs might cause an otherwise spirit-filled person to start questioning things. And there's more Latin on these 'blogs than at a Ricky Martin concert! Parishioners are warned to stay away at peril to their link to the Lifespirit.

In Solidarity


Hey! You won't believe the horrible, horrible oppression that's going on at this Australian parish:

St. Vincent's Redfern

This is a really neat parish with lots of aboriginal things and such, and it's pretty clear that they know how to be church. They even used to have a priest named Ted Kennedy! As Britnee would say, OMG! Unfortunately Ted Kennedy died and Cardinal Pell sent in a bunch of head-knockers from Bolivia or something, who really aren't church and who tried to remove a statue of an aboriginal womyn giving birth from the altar. One of the parishioners saw this blasphemy and prevented it from being removed. No clericalism at this parish, I'll tell you! There's also a really cool flag hanging from the altar which I think I'm going to get copied to hang in SOV2 as a sign of solidarity.

Also, in solidarity with the indigent peoples of Australia, I'm going to start including the indigent peoples of America in our liturgical celebrations. I've asked Maryann to see how we can work in a prayer to the Great Manitee, and I've decided to start using tobacco instead of incense in that incense-burning thing I have to wave around sometimes.

Homily, Sunday June 10

You know, this is one of my favorite feast days. Corpus Christi. I mean, first we have a feast day for the chair of St. peter, and then we have a feast day for a town in Texas. You've gotta love this church! But seriously, today is a very special day, because it's the day that we celebrate that we are all the body of the church. That's what Corpus Christi means! it means you, me, everybody... we're all priests. There was something in one of the readings about Mel Keezadeck, who was the first priest. We're all called to be like him (if it was a him - there's a whole school of thought that says that Mel was short for Melissa, and that the patriarchs of the early church pretended that Mel was a boy's name).

But that's not what I really want to talk about today. Instead, I want to talk about Vatican II. How many of you remember the movie Breakin'? Not many, I see. And that's not a surprise. Breakin', like Vatican I, was not a very good movie. But the important thing was that Breakin' was just good enough so that there was a sequel - Breakin' II, Electric Boogaloo. And that is what Vatican II for me. It's the sequel to Vatican I, but a sequel that was so good that everybody forgot about the original. Which was good, because Vatican I, just like Breakin', just wasn't all that cool. There was some stuff in it about the Pope, and some other things, but frankly, nobody knows what it was about. Just like Breakin'. But Vatican II - well... we all know what that was about! It was about "opening wide the doors," airing things out, doing a spring cleaning. Over the course of a couple of thousand years, all sorts of crazy things were going on in the church. And what did that mean? It meant that we were so busy going to church that we didn't have time to be church! We didn't have time to be eucharist! But, just like in Breakin' II, things got shaken up - no one expected Ozone and Turbo to come out on top - there were evil developers trying to take over their community center. Remind you of anything? It reminds me of the evil "developers" trying to take over our faith community! And we need to hang in there, just like Ozone and Turbo did, and we'll come out on top!

Finally, I'd like to touch on a more theological concept. But I won't. Ha ha! Have a super Sunday everybody!

Saturday, June 9, 2007

We're all cool inside

You know I feel pretty bad because I yelled at everybody just then about being mad at Father Tim. You know ever since I found out I was sans Body Thetans and got to touch L. Ron Hubbard's Brain (IN YOUR RICH KID FACE TOM CRUISE YOU BIG LOSER!) I've been extra-clear. You know from what they told me all of you are mixed up because of the clusters which got stuck to you but even though I probably am better than everyone else, I really don't feel like that because that would be mean and I don't want to use all these powers to make people feel bad even really fat people like Keith because if he had touched LRH's brain too he'd be skinny by now. But he would have had to pay a lot of money and stand in line like John Travolta and the girl from Dharma and Greg and the rest of those guys so I guess that's beside the point.

So even though you are all messed up and stuff because of your body thetans and stuff I just want to let you know that you're probably really cool ON THE INSIDE and it just doesn't come across like that all the time. And I don't mean Britnee or Taheeteee because their both really cool on the inside AND on the outside. But for everybody else you know, don't feel bad because you can't really help it.

Oh yah! and Julia Roberts is cool inside and out but that's about it.

Che'

Why say Father Tim and not just Tim or Something

Hey Peoples, Why are so many of you giving father tim grief over being called father. You sound like a bunch of fundies. I mean aren't we all a bit over this? You know when i dropped out of UT after my freshman year to devote myself to poetry and stuff i was pretty unsuccessful until I met Father Tim down in the old city at Planet Earth which as you know isn't there anymore but shows you how long its been and you know i didn't even think he was a priest he was so cool. Because right away he bought me a beer and I wasn't even 19 and he helped sneak me in. And he's been awesome to me and introduced me to all the great thinkers like Andrew Greeley, Harry Belafonte, Hugo Chavez and Nikki Giovanni. So Father Tim is like my own Mother and Father combined and you should think of him as like the big parent whose looking out for all us other peoples because he's really smart and has it figured out.

I mean if he was a woman I'd call him Mother Tim wouldn't I? Wouldn't you? So to all you people who keep on rassing him you know get off your horses and stuff because I'm not sure you have that SOV spirit which tells you that people like Father Tim are ALWAYS RIGHT and you should just do what they say all the time because if your not careful and stop being church you might end up going to latin mass and voting for people like Cheney who is half-alien and then you'll just be part of the machine.

So say it loud with me I'm not afraid to say FATHER TIM YOU ARE AWESOME!

Che'

Super neat Banner!


Hey! Britt sent along this awesome photo of his/her banner which he/she made as a love offering to the faith community. That's just plain church! I had to "post" a picture to the 'blog right away! I'm so excited about hanging this right over the baptismal font, next to the mother & child statue thing that's hanging there now (thank the spirit that wasn't damaged during the siege! THANKS BE TO BRITT FOR THE NEAT BANNER!

Friday, June 8, 2007

Another Banner


Hey! Emily Larson is cranking out the banners now! She did this one for Todd. She said she's working on a couple for Ché and Eugene next. Also, Emily can use some help, because after an hour cutting felt, her hands get tired and covered with Elmer's glue. Volunteers are needed for the banner construction. Anyone helping out Emily will get one hundred years' indigents (whatever that means - Maryann told me to say that!)

Thursday, June 7, 2007

New Banners


Hey! With all the banners getting exploded or ripped up while I was off on retreat, I had to issue an emergency plea to the parish to get some new ones made. Emily Larson came through, and made a beauty! I think this beat any banner that we've had before! Emily worked really hard on this, so when you see her, make sure you tell her how this banner makes you proud to be Church.

PILGRIMAGE!

You guys, I am NOT. MAKING. THIS. UP!

Now that we got rid of those psycho-spaz militants, it's time to get back to normal. I suggest we take a pilgrimage to Minnesota for the final opportunity to see Marty Haugen, David Haas, and Michael Joncas in concert! (And I'll see if they can come here....Turk, are you down with that?)

You can read about it here, but I'll quote a section:

On Sunday, June 10, Haas, Haugen and Father Joncas will play one of the final two concerts they have scheduled. The 7:30 p.m. program at Guardian Angels in Oakdale is a benefit for “Music Ministry Alive!” — the summer program at the College of St. Catherine that trains young Catholic liturgical musicians. Last year’s concert wassold out.

That's my Alma Mater, St. Cate's! I just LOVE the Sisters of St. Joseph, almost became a consociate, but then I moved down here to Knoxville. You should check out their Wisdom Ways Center, and we can do that when we go up there, too!

Sister Fairah, aren't you an SJC?

Anyway, I think Turk would LOVE this trip especially. I'll have a sign up after liturgical dance practice tomorrow night.

And maybe we can get ideas for our Labyrinth there, too!

Who's with me! Sign up now, we leave on Saturday!

And for those who can't go for this weekend, we can do church with Minnesota and hit the Labyrinth. I'll be up there all week so you can also come as you will, but it's better if we roadtrip it.

Wednesday, June 6, 2007

Catholic People's Bill of Rights

Hey! I was "surfing" around the internet today and looking for stuff to 'blog about, and I came across a great organization called Association for the Rights of Catholics in the Church.

Man! These guys (and gals) have got their act together! They're talking about a constitution for catholics! Including a Bill of Rights! Far Out! I tried to contact them to see if they would take on SOV2 as a sort of poster child of oppression, but I kept getting put on hold. Guess what! They've got Marty Haugen music playing for people on hold! I called back four times just so I could hear the end of "Gather Us In". I've got to get one of those on-hold music things for SOV2!

Anyway, I got to thinking about the Catholic Bill of Rights, and so, just like William Jefferson and the other founding patriarchs, I just whipped one up:


  1. The Right of the People to Make a Joyful Noise Shall Not Be Infringed

  2. The Right of Womyn to terminate unwanted, uncomfortable, or inconvenient pregnancies Shall Not Be Infringed

  3. The Right of Myn to breast-feed Shall Not Be Infringed

  4. The Right of the People to declare themselves Theologians Shall Not Be Infringed

  5. The Right of Pastors to Be Creative in the Liturgy Shall Not Be Infringed

  6. The Right of Dissident Magazine Editors to remain at Their Posts In Perpetuity Shall Not Be Infringed

  7. The Right of Jesuits to Run as Democrats for Congress Shall Not Be Infringed

  8. It is Perfectly OK to Solicit Applause At any point During the Liturgy

  9. The Vatican Shall Make No Law concerning Sin

  10. Any Right Not Explicitly Stated Above is assumed to be retained by The Peoples

Hey Everybody!

Hey! Well, I had a really nice week over in Maggie Valley - I really needed to get my head back together after that whole "real new parish" thing a week ago. It was really cool. They had a seminar on whether Marty Haugen or David Haas was the best musician ever (we all had a good laugh about that one - it's like asking if grape kool-ade is better than strawberry kool-ade!) There were a lot of really neat exercises that I can't wait to bring to SOV2. And just wait until you hear my homily for Sunday! I've got a doozy in the works!

Now, for some unpleasant topics. I see there has been quite a hullabaloo here while I've been gone. Someone exploded the rectory, and I have been told that was Keith's friends who had some sort of "Math Lab" that went wrong. I'll say this just once - I don't want anyone doing math on the SOV2 campus grounds!!!!

In addition to the exploded rectory, I found the following note from my good friend Fr. Curt:

Timbo,

Well, I stuck it out here as long as I could, but I have to tell you that the parishioners here at Spirit of Vatican II are not the most welcoming bunch. No sooner had I arrived than they started bickering and fighting, and they were very unhelfpul on all the programs I tried to run. I hope I didn't cause any trouble by leaving early, but I had to get back to my mission parish at Molly's Butt.

-Curt

PS: I found a bunch of gold cups and things under your bed. I could really use these to feed the Appallachian Poor, so I left you some clay cups that some of our indiginous peoples made. Also, we didn't have a stereo system or lounge chairs - I knew you wouldn't mind if we took these also. And we had a sort of tacit agreement that in exchange for covering for you in your absence, I could have all the available parish funds - I hope you don't mind but before I left we emptied out the bank account. There were a couple of bounced checks you should look into. As we were leaving we also noticed a really nice green-power mower that our parishioners will just love! Thanks again for your generosity to the poor. See you at the next conference!


Well, I have to say that I'm very disappointed in you parishioners. Fr. Curt was here to help out while I was out, and it looks like you were very mean to him. Was that being church? I don't think so!

But hey! Let's not get all hung up on negative vibes! After all, I could go on for days being mad about the explosion in the rectory ruining my collection of signed Marty Haugen LP's. But I won't! I'll just rejoice that Che, Keith, Todd, Eugene, Sister Fairah, and Maryann are back and we can all be church together!

Monday, June 4, 2007

Confusion Reins!

Todd Turk Here... Fr. Tim left his computer on. I am in his office. For anyone who may be reading this... are we the only ones left? I do not know, for all seems unclear now. Maryann is here. It was her who held us together during the final charge. And yet... I am not sure that there was anyone to fight.

Teh ride back from Alabama with Sister Fairah was uneventful, until we got to the Kingston exit, when our van broke down. I think it was from too much weight in the back, what with the heavy suitcases that Sister Fairah brought with her. Fortunately Eugene was able to flag down a passing motorist who let us use his mobile phone. But the only number I could remember off the top of my head was Fr. Juno's cell phone. Thank the spirit! Fr. Juno answered his phone and got some friends of his to come pick us up in their van. With everything going on, I just had to take a break, and what luck! The Indigo Girls were performing in Market Square for "Sundown in the City." Although Fr. Juno wanted to go to some sort of prayer thing, we talked him into driving us to Market Square. No sooner did we pull into the parking lot than we recognized Maryann there with a sinister-looking woman I've seen skulking around the parish. She said her name was "Adora" or something like that. So this was the Adora that Fr. Tim warned me to look out for.

Long story short, I had to miss out on the Indigo Girls, because Maryann & Adora said that there was an evil fascist republican who had taken over SOV2. Was this the same Fr. Kane who was there when I left? I couldn't believe it. And where was Fr. Tim? And where were Che and Britnee? And where was that fat bastard Keith?

So we piled back in the van and Fr. Juno said he was going to have a talk to Fr. Kane. Or at least I think that's what he said. It's kinda hard to understand him sometimes.

We pulled up to the church about 15 minutes ago, and it was crazy! Teh amplifiers at the top of the Church were blaring "Here I Am Lord" at about 500,000 decibels, and the whole place was covered wth incense smoke. The rectory was partially burnt down, and people were running around like crazy. Worst of all, there were a bunch of guys in armor all kneeling in a circle saying the rosary. That's when I knew I had to find Fr. Tim.

We had to cut through the Spirit Maze because there were a bunch of women in pantsuits waving pointed sticks near the Old Che Trench, and as we emerged from the hedge row the incense cleared. We saw four black SUV's go tearing out of the Southeast parking lot and down the road. I thought maybe Fr. Tim had gotten away, but Maryann said that we better check out the Contemplation Temple.

So here we are. No sign of Fr. Tim. No sign of Fr. Kane. All of the really great lounge chairs and stuff that we had in here is gone - all that's left is a note that says "These chairs were Liberated by the Appalachian Peace Alliance." There are empty bags of Funyuns everywhere, and barrels of bean curd in every corner. What's worse, Sister Fairah was exploring the basement, and she found Dr & Mizz Argot in a makeshift dungeon. They said that Fr. Kane went crazy. And now that I can see the website has been completely re=done. Man oh man! I wish Fr. Tim was here!

-Todd Turk, Music Minister, on behalf of himself, Maryann McGronk (liturgist), Sister Fairah, and Eugene Kramer

EMERGENCY DEPLOYMENTS

9:30 PM. SOV2CFC COMMAND CENTER:

THE YOUTH GROUP BRIGADE REPORTS MOVEMENT IN THE FOREST NORTH OF THE PARISH. KATE PO REPORTS SEEING A BUSLOAD OF ARMORED MEN HEADED IN THIS DIRECTION WHILE SHE WAS SHOPPING FOR SIEGE SUPPLIES AT FOOD CITY. IN ORDER TO COUNTER THIS THREAT, I HAVE ISSUED AN EVACUATION ORDER OF THE SPIRIT MAZE. ALL WOMYN WANDERERS ARE TO IMMEDIATELY FORM UP WITH THE PANTSUIT POSSE MANNING THE OLD CHE TRENCH ON THE WESTERN FACING.

BEGINNING AT 9:50 PM, THE PARISH CARRILON WILL BEGAN PLAYING THE BEST OF MARTY HAUGEN, AND ALL INCENSE WILL BE BURNT IN THE FAITHFIRE PIT TO CREATE A SMOKE SCREEN.

STAY AT YOUR POSTS.

-FR. CURT KANE

FALSE ALARM, BUT STAY VIGILENT!

8:00 PM. SOV2CFC COMMAND CENTER:

THERE HAVE BEEN REPORTS THAT THE PARISH WAS UNDER ATTACK AFTER A LARGE EXPLOSION AND SUBSEQUENT CLOUD EMANATED FROM THE RECTORY. I HAVE BEEN INFORMED BY BROTHER DANZIG THAT THIS WAS THE RESULT OF THE EXPLOSION OF SOME SORT OF "APPARATUS" THAT "KEITH'S FRIENDS" HAD CONSTRUCTED.

AS A FURTHER NOTE, ALL PARISHIONERS ARE INSTRUCTED TO IGNORE THE FOUR BLACK SUV'S IN THE SOUTHEAST PARKING LOT. THESE ARE PRESENT ON BROTHERS OF LOVE BUSINESS AND WILL BE USED IN THE DEFENSE OF THE PARISH. ALL PARISHIONERS ARE INSTRUCTED TO STAY CLEAR OF THE SOUTHEAST PARKING LOT DURING THE COMING BATTLE.

FR. CURT KANE

ALL PARISHIONERS TO YOUR BATTLE-STATIONS!



ATTENTION PARISHIONERS OF SOV2CFC,

THIS IS FATHER CURT KANE. IMPORTANT INTELLIGENCE HAS COME TO THE BROTHERS IN LOVE TO INDICATE THAT AN ASSAULT ON THE CAMPUS IS PLANNED FOR THIS EVENING AT APPROXIMATELY 10 PM E.S.T. THE ASSAULT IS TO BE LED BY FR. JUNO AROYMBA WITH ASSISTANCE FROM THE KNIGHTS OF COLUMBUS.

YOU WILL HEAR RUMORS THAT FR. JUNO HAS BEEN JOINED BY MARYANN MCGRONK, THE SPY ADORO, SISTER FAIRAH, TODD TURK, AND EUGENE KRAMER. THIS RUMORS ARE LIES AND AGITPROP. ALL OF THE ABOVE ARE ENGAGED IN A SPECIAL PRAYER SESSION AND ASKED ME TO TELL YOU THAT THEY KNOW YOU WILL DO YOUR DUTY.

AS YOU CAN SEE ON THE BATTLE PLAN, THE HUGO CHAVEZ BATTALLION IS TO BARRICADE THE NORTHWEST PORTAL. THEY WILL BE BACKED UP BY THE YOUTH GROUP, WHO WILL HOLD THE LINE BETWEEN THE RECTORY AND THE CONTEMPLATION TEMPLE. SISTER FAIRAH'S PANTSUIT POSSE WILL COVER THE LAWN NORTH OF THE SPIRIT MAZE, WHILE THE JOYFUL NOISE CHOIR WILL HANDLE THE DEFENSE SOUTH OF THE SPIRIT MAZE. MARYANN'S MARAUDER'S WILL COVER THE SOUTHWEST GREEN, AND THE BROTHERS OF LOVE WILL COVER THE ALL-IMPORTANT SOUTHEAST EXIT.

THE ASSAULT IS EXPECTED TO COME FROM THE NORTHWEST PORTAL, SO THE HUGO CHAVEZ BATTALLION WILL BEAR THE INITIAL BRUNT OF THE ATTACK.

I WILL BE COORDINATING THE DEFENSE FROM AN UNSPECIFIED LOCATION.

EMERGENCY MANDATE #57

Parishioners of SOV2 CFC:

It has come to my attention that some of you recited the Dorothean Creed with less enthusiasm than was required, and have obtained your ID papers and grounds passes with false or improper attention. In response, I am issuing this emergency mandate:

ALL PARISHIONERS OF SOV2CFC ARE TO BE THINKING CATHOLICS.

The mark of a Thinking Catholic is rigid and absolute conformance to the fundamental principles of the Spirit of Vatican II. YOU ARE NOT A THINKING CATHOLIC UNLESS YOU THINK EXACTLY LIKE OTHER THINKING CATHOLICS!

In order that you may locate the non-Thinking Catholics among you, and report them to the Brothers of Love for re-education, following is a list of the signs of a Thinking Catholic:

1. Love of the Environment
2. Opposition to the Death Penalty
3. Opposition to Capital Punishment
4. Opposition to Execution
5. Opposition to Nuclear War
6. Promotion of Contraception
7. Opposition to Natural Family Planning
8. Frequence use of "Rhythm Method" as a derogatory term
9. Opposition to Global Warming
10. A Liberal Democrat Voting Record
11. Membership in Call to Action, Voice of the Faithful, or an equivilent progressive catholic organization
12. Subscription to American, Commonweal, or an equivilent publication
13. Promotion of women priests
14. Promotion of gay priests
15. Promotion of gay women priests
16. Promotion of married priests
17. Promotion of gay women married priests
18. Support of Planned Parenthood
19. Opposition to the speaking or reading of Latin
20. Complete obedience to Fr. Richard McBrien, Charles Curran, and Hans Kung
21. Possession of a Liberated Name such as Keen, Curt, Rhodan, Avril, or Frosty
22. Opposition to wars against non-Catholics
23. A library that includes Earth in the Balance, the Assault on Reason, or any other Al Gore book

Any parishioner who does not meet every one of the above criteria is NOT A THINKING CATHOLIC. They are a NONTHINKING CATHOLIC. However, there are worse things than Non-Thinking Catholics; there are ANTI-THINKING CATHOLICS: Anti-Thinking Catholics can be identified by the following criteria:

1. Excessive devotion to the Pope
2. Excessive devotion to the Rosary
3. Excessive devotion to prayer
4. Participation in Eucharistic Adoration, Liturgy of the Hours, or Benediction
5. Polite and civil dress
6. Regular charitable giving
7. Regular attendence at "mass"
8. Subscription to First Things, Our Sunday Visitor, Magnificat, National Catholic Register or the equivilent
9. Possession of a "Christian Name" such as Thomas, Catherine, Theresa, or Peter
10. Reluctance to hold hands during the Our Father
11. Failure to kiss during the Exchange of Peace
12. Global Warming Agnosticism

Any one of the above is a mark of an Anti-Thinking Catholic.

Please report any Anti-Thinking Catholics immediately by contacting the Contemplation Temple.